Animaniacs of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest
by avesjohn
Summary: Who needs a summary? All you have to know is this: They're BACK.
1. Cast List

_Animaniacs of the Caribbean: _Cast List

**Jack Sparrow** _Yakko_

**Elizabeth Swann** _Dot _

**Will Turner** _Wakko_

**James Norrington** _Jack Davenport_

**Governor Swann** _Dr. Otto Scratchansniff_

**Barbossa** _Ralph_

**Davy Jones** _Runt_

**Beckett** _Plotz_

**Bootstrap Bill Turner **_Stellan Skarsgard_

**Pintel** _Brain_

**Raggeti** _Pinky_

**Tia Dalma** _Rita_

**Anamaria** _Slappy Squirrel_

**Gibbs** _Kevin McNally_

**Marty** _Skippy Squirrel _

**Cotton** _The Mime_

**Cotton's "Parrot(s)"** _the Goodfeathers (Bobby, Pesto, and Squit)_

**Murtogg** _Buttons_

**Mullroy** _Mindy_

**Scarlett** _Hello Nurse_

**Giselle** _Minerva Mink_

**Sub-Lieutenant Boo** _Chicken Boo_


	2. A Marriage Interrupted

**Adapted from the screenplay by Ted Elliott & Terry Rossio**

_(Elizabeth sits alone on the beach in the rain, holding a bouquet of white flowers, while men row ashore, enter smithy, bring Will over to her, in manacles)_

**Elizabeth (_runs to him_):** Will! Why is this happening?

**Will:** I don't know. You look beautiful.

**Elizabeth:** Yeah, well, we already know _that_, smartypants. …I think it's bad luck for the groom to see the bride before the wedding.

**Will (_looking around_):** Quick! Find a four-leaf clover! We need it, and we need it fast!

_(Elizabeth starts to run off and look for one, but they are surrounded on all sides by men; she sees her father, Governor Swann, running towards them)_

**Elizabeth (_waving to Governor desperately_):** Pops! Over here!

**Governor Swann:** Make way, yeah?! Let me through! _(is blocked by crossed long axes)_ How dare you, yeah?! Stand your men down at once! Do you hear me, yeah?!

**Beckett (_as coat is removed_):** Governor Weatherby Swann, it's been too long.

**Governor Swann:** Cutler Beckett, yeah?!

**Beckett:** It's Lord now, actually.

**Elizabeth (_sarcastically_):** Well, _good for you_.

**Will (_to Beckett_):** Are you sure they didn't make a mistake? Isn't there a height requirement for Lords?

**Beckett:** I'm _not_ short! _(although he really is)_

**Will:** Well, you're definitely balding.

**Governor Swann:** Lord or not, you have no reason and no authority to arrest this man, yeah?!

**Beckett:** In fact I _do_. Mr. Mercer? _(Mercer, who is considerably taller, bends down and hands Beckett the warrant, who then hands it to the Governor)_ The warrant for the arrest of one William Turner.

**Governor Swann (_stuttering, confused_):** But…this warrant is for Elizabeth Swann, yeah…?

**Beckett:** Oh, is it? That's annoying. My mistake. Arrest her.

**Elizabeth (_as she is put in shackles_):** _On what charges?! DON'T HATE ME BECAUSE I'M BEAUTIFUL!_

**Will:** _No! I want my Mommy!_

**Beckett (_reaching up to take another document from Mercer_):** Ah-ha. Here's the one for William Turner. _(reaches up to hand it to Governor)_ And I have another one for a Mr. James Norrington. Is he present?

**Elizabeth:** _What are the charges?! Is it because we're taller than you?!_

**Governor Swann:** Commodore Norrington resigned his commission some months ago, yeah?

**Beckett:** I don't believe that's the answer to the question I asked.

**Will:** Lord Beckett! In the category of questions _not_ answered…

**Elizabeth:** We are under the jurisdiction of the King's governor of Port Royal, and you will tell us what we are charged with.

**Governor Swann:** The charge…is conspiring to set free a man convicted of crimes against the crown and empire, and condemned to death, yeah, for which the…_uh-oh._

**Beckett:** For which the punishment, regrettably, is also death. _(Pause)_

**Will (_turns to Elizabeth_):** This totally _sucks_.

**Beckett:** Perhaps you remember a certain pirate named Jack Sparrow.

**Will and Elizabeth:** _Captain!_

**Elizabeth:** _Captain_ Jack Sparrow.

**Beckett:** Captain Jack Sparrow. Yes, I thought you might.


	3. Enter Jack Sparrow, DMC Edition

**Adapted from the screenplay by Ted Elliott & Terry Rossio**

_(Onboard the Black Pearl, Gibbs is singing while drinking rum)_

**Gibbs:** Fifteen men on a dead man's chest / Yo ho ho, and a _bottle_ of rum / Drink and the devil had done for the rest / Yo ho ho, and a _bottle_ of rum. _(laughs and drinks, then hears bell tolling, looks up, sees crows flying toward Turkish prison)_

_(At Turkish prison, prisoners being dragged in, screaming, while those in cages hanging overhead are having eyes pecked out by crows)_

_(At rocky shoreline outside prison, caskets being tossed in ocean, which float out to sea)_

_(A crow lands on one casket, pecks at it, then is blown away, along with much wood, by sudden gunshot)_

_(hand and gun pops out, periscopes, then Jack himself breaks out, and puts his Captain's hat on)_

**Jack _(looking at remains of crow_):** Boy, I _really_ hope you weren't an endangered species._ (looks at skeleton in casket with him) _Sorry, mate. _(breaks skeleton's leg off)_ Mind if we take a little side trip? _(pause) _I didn't think so.

_(Onboard the Pearl, crewman is waiting for Jack)_

**Leech:** Where is he?

**Marty:** He said he'd be back by now!

**Gibbs:** Cut 'im some slack! Jack may be a smart lad, but not even _he_ can guarantee anything. _(Suddenly, a lone trumpet plays "Call to Post," the starting music from the Kentucky Derby; the crew hear this, and rush to look over the railing to see Jack; instead, all they see is fog)_ That's the signal! Where is he?! _(a skeleton's arm is thrown overhead, and lands on deck; Gibbs picks it up)_ Jack…_no._ It…can't be…. _(sounds heard climbing up ship; Gibbs rushes over to see)_ Jack? Is that you? _(looks over, sees nothing; turns to crew and shakes head and shrugs)_

_(Suddenly, Jack appears, startling everyone, dressed in a fancy white and yellow suit and white top hat, swinging a cane around and leading a marching band, which is playing "On Parade")_

**Gibbs:** _Jack!_

**Jack (_continuing to lead marching band_):** Hello.

**Gibbs:** Did everything go according to plan?

**Jack:** Shh. Don't interrupt me. I'm enjoying this.

**Gibbs:** How did things go, Jack?!

**Jack:** I intend to milk this for all it's worth, Mr. Gibbs. _(a cow moos somewhere offscreen)_ Excuse me.

_(Gibbs sighs, makes hand motions to crew, who then, on Gibbs' signal, pull out their guns and swords and aim for the marching band; the band stops in their tracks, and the music along with them)_

**Jack:** _Hey!_ What's the big idea?!

**Gibbs:** Make them go away, lad. You have _no_ idea how annoying they are.

**Jack:** And you have no idea how annoying _you_ are. _(turns to marching band)_ All right, time go, guys….

**Band Members: **_Awww... (walk off ship, seemingly right down into water, but no splashes are heard)_

**Gibbs:** Curiosity, Cap'n: where exactly do they go?

**Jack (_pulling off parade leader suit to reveal pirate's outfit_):** Trust me. You don't want to know.

**Gibbs:** Did you get what you went in there for?

**Jack:** Mm-hmm! _(pulls rolled piece of out cloth, waves it)_

**Gibbs:** Captain, I think the crew, meaning me as well, were expecting something a bit more…_shiny_. What with the Isla de Muerta _(random thunder and lightning)_ going all pear shaped, reclaimed by the sea, and the treasure with it.

**Leech:** And the Royal Navy chasing us all around the Atlantic.

**Marty:** And the hurricane!

**Anamaria:** And my menopause! _(to audience)_ That's right, I'm back for this one. Thank your lucky stars. _(Crew gives collective "Aye" to all the bad things)_

**Gibbs:** All in all, it seems some time since we did a speck of honest pirating.

**Jack:** Shiny?

**Gibbs:** Aye, shiny.

**Jack:** Is that how you're all feeling then? Perhaps dear old Jack is not serving your best interests as Captain?

**Anamaria:** Don't make me hit you.

**Squit:** _Walk the plank!_

**Jack (_points pistol at "parrots"_):** What did the bird say?!

**Pesto (_to Squit_):** You _idiot_!

**Bobby:** I think I just wet myself, fellas.

**Anamaria (_offhand, to Bobby_):** Lucky bastard.

**Leech:** Do not blame the bird. Show us, what is on that piece of cloth there?

_(Suddenly, undead monkey snarls, grabs cloth, runs off with it)_

**Jack:** _Oh!_ _(attempts to shoot it, pistol misfires, so he grabs another crewman's pistol and blasts the monkey, it's unhurt, and scurries off)_

**Gibbs:** Know that don't do no good.

**Jack:** It does me.

**Marty (_picks up cloth_):** It's a key!

**Jack:** No! Much more better! It is _draw-ring_ of a key. _(shows it to crewman)_ Oh, and on the other side somebody put their phone number. Jenny: 867-5309. …But I'll call her later. In the meantime, gentlemen, answer this question and you _just might win_ a million dollars: what do keys do? _(pause)_

**Leech:** Keys…unlock…_things_? _(bell rings, startling crewman, confetti and streamers thrown around, Jack hops into Leech's arms, kisses him on the cheek)_

**Jack:** _You win!_

**Gibbs (_wiping confetti off himself, as are other crewman_):** And whatever this key unlocks, _inside_ there's something valuable. So, we're setting out to find whatever this key unlocks!

**Jack (_hopping out of Leech's arms_):** No! If we don't have the key, we can't have whatever it is we don't have that it unlocks. So what purpose would be served in finding whatever need be unlocked, which we don't have, without first having found the key what unlocks it?

**Gibbs:** So…we're going after this key!

**Jack:** You're not making any sense at all. Any more questions?

**Marty:** So…do we have a heading?

**Jack:** Ah! A heading! _(pulls out compass)_ Set sail in a…mmm… _(as compass dial spins, he circles his finger uncertainly)_ a general…in _that_ way, direction. _(points)_

**Gibbs:** Cap'n?

**Jack:** Come on, snap to and make sail. You know how this works. Come on. _Oi, oi…oi!_

_(Marty and Gibbs gather alone by railing)_

**Marty:** Have you noticed lately…the Captain seems to be actin' a bit strange. Er?

**Gibbs:** Settin' sail without knowin' his own headin'? Something's got Jack vexed. Mark my words, what bodes ill for Jack Sparrow bodes ill for us all.


	4. Making A Deal

**Adapted from the screenplay by Ted Elliott & Terry Rossio**

_(painter is painting world map mural as Beckett and Mercer are talking in Beckett's office; a guard brings manacled Will in: "Lord Beckett. The prisoner as ordered, sir.")_

**Beckett:** Those won't be necessary. _(pours some liquor as Will's manacles are removed)_

The East India Trading Company has need of your services. _(offers Will a glass of liquor)_

**Will:** Is this on you?

**Beckett:** Why else would I be offering it to you?

_(Will takes the glass, thinks about drinking it, then pours it on Beckett's head, and giggles)_

**Beckett:** _That's not funny! (uses cloth to dry himself)_

**Will:** It is to me.

**Beckett:** Listen, Mr. Turner: we wish for you to act as our agent in a business transaction with our mutual friend: Captain Sparrow.

**Will:** More acquaintance than friend. How do you know him?

**Beckett: **We've had dealings in the past. _(picks up hot brand with "P" on it)_ And we've each left our mark on the other.

**Will:** You mean he's the reason you're so short?

**Beckett:** _I'm not short!_

**Will:** Then what mark _did_ he leave on you?

**Beckett:** By your efforts Jack Sparrow was set free. I would like you to go to him, and recover a certain property in his possession.

**Will:** Recover. At the point of a sword?

**Beckett:** _Bargain._ _(opens wooden box on table)_ Letters of Marque. You will offer what amounts to a full pardon. Jack will be free, a privateer in the employ of England.

**Will:** Somehow I doubt Jack will consider employment the same as being free.

**Beckett (_disgustedly_):** Freedom. _(closes box, steps out to look over dock)_ Jack Sparrow is a dying breed. The world is shrinking, the blank pages of the map filled in. Jack must find his place in the new world or perish. Not unlike you, Mr. Turner. You and your fiancée face the hangman's noose. _(a giant clock is being hoisted behind them)_

**Will:** That's a real big clock you got there.

**Beckett (_smiling_):** Thank you.

**Will:** But why would you want it when all it does is make you look even shorter?

**Beckett:** _I'm not short!_

**Will:** Okay, whatever helps you sleep at night.

**Beckett:** Yes, as a matter of fact, it _does_ help me sleep at night.

**Will:** So you want both Jack _and_ the _Black Pearl_.

**Beckett:** The _Black Pearl_?

**Will:** The property you want that he possesses.

**Beckett:** A ship? Hardly. The item in question's considerably smaller and far more valuable. Something Sparrow keeps on his person at all times. A compass. _(Will changes his direction of gaze to the sea)_ Ah, you know it. Bring back that compass, or there's no deal.


	5. Back From The Depths

**Adapted from the screenplay by Ted Elliott & Terry Rossio**

_(Jack is in his cabin, looking over a map using calipers; he taps the compass with his left hand; he then looks in his bottle, and a few drops spill out)_

**Jack:** Why is the rum always gone? _(Rises, swaggers over to pick up his hat off the top of a globe)_ Oh. _That's_ why. _(walks past the crew, who are sleeping, snoring on hammocks, as he carries a lantern)_ As you were, gents. _(goes downstairs to hold, hears an animal, unlocks the door, goes in, sees barnacles and mussels festooning a beam of wood, then spots a single bottle of rum)_ Ah! _(takes out the bottle, sand pours out)_

**Bootstrap Bill:** Time's run out, Jack.

**Jack (_drops the bottle, pulls out his pistol_):** Who's there?! It better not be Milton Berle! He and I do _not_ get along well! _(after not getting a response, he walks towards the voice)_

Bootstrap. Bill Turner.

**Bootstrap Bill (_looks up, crabs scuttle across his face; water drips out as he speaks_):** You look good, Jack.

**Jack (_complimented_):** Yeah, well, I… seriously, is this a dream?

**Bootstrap Bill:** No.

**Jack:** I thought not. If it were, there'd be rum. _(is immediately handed a bottle of rum by Bootstrap, which is pried from his hands with a crackling sound)_

**Bootstrap Bill:** You got the _Pearl_ back, I see.

**Jack:** I had some help retrieving the _Pearl_, by the way. _(opens bottle)_ Your son.

**Bootstrap Bill:** William? He ended up a pirate, after all.

**Jack (_after taking a drink_):** Nah, he just wanted his Gameboy back. So, to what do I owe the pleasure of your carbuncle?

**Bootstrap Bill:** He sent me. _(Pause)_

**Jack:** …Could you _be_ any less ambiguous?

**Bootstrap Bill:** Davy Jones.

**Jack:** Ah. So it's you, then. _(sits down on barrel)_ He shanghaied you into service, eh?

**Bootstrap Bill:** I chose it. I'm sorry I played for the part I played in the mutiny against you, Jack. I stood up for you. Everything went wrong after that. _(picks up a small scuttling hermit crab, eats it, while Jack pulls out paper bag and vomits into it)_ They strapped me to a cannon. I ended up on the bottom of the ocean, weight of the water crushing down on me, unable to move, unable to die, Jack. And I thought that even the tiniest hope of escaping this fate, I would take it. _(Jack drinks again)_ I would trade anything for it.

**Jack (_handing the bottle back to Bootstrap, getting up to leave_):** It's funny what a man will do to forestall the final judgment—

**Bootstrap Bill (_getting up to block Jack_):** You made a deal with him, too, Jack. He raised the _Pearl_ from the depths for you. Thirteen years you've been a captain.

**Jack:** Technically—

**Bootstrap Bill:** Jack! You won't be able to talk your way out of this. The terms what applied to me apply to you, as well. One soul, bound to crew a hundred years upon a ship,

**Jack:** Yes, but the _Flying Dutchman_ already _has_ a captain, so there's really—

**Bootstrap Bill:** Well then it's the locker for you! Jones' terrible leviathan will find you, and drag the _Pearl_ back to the depths and you along with it.

**Jack:** Any idea when Jones might release said terrible beastie?

**Bootstrap Bill:** I already told you, Jack. The time is up. _(his green hand clasps Jack's left hand)_ He comes now, drawn with ravenous hunger, to the man what bears the black spot.

_(Jack sees a block spot boil up in his palm, looks up, Bootstrap has disappeared; runs up to deck)_

**Jack:** On deck all hands! Make fast the bunt gasket! Scurry! Scurry, I want movement! _I want movement! (crew wakes up, runs on deck with Jack)_

**Gibbs:** I want the skin up!

**Jack:** All on deck! Run, and keep running! Run as if the devil himself and itself is upon us!

**Gibbs:** Do we have a heading?

**Jack (_frightened_):** Ah! Ooh! Run! Land! _(hides behind mast, then rises up and is frightened by Gibbs again)_

**Gibbs;** What port?

**Jack: **Didn't say port. I said land. Any land. _(monkey suddenly swings down, grabs his hat, and tosses it into ocean; crew rushes to railing)_

**Gibbs:** Jack's hat! Bring 'er about!

**Jack: **No! Leave it! _(crew stops in surprise)_ Run! _(runs off)_

**Gibbs (_to crew_):** Back to your stations! The lot o' ya! _(walks up to Jack, who is hiding under stairs)_ Jack?

**Jack:** _Shh!_

**Gibbs:** For the love of mother and child, Jack, what's coming after us? _(pause)_

**Jack:** Nothing.

**Gibbs:** It's something bad, isn't it?

**Jack:** Yes.

**Gibbs:** You mean Milton Berle's gone on the offensive?!

**Jack:** No. Worse.

**Gibbs:** You mean…oh _Christ_…_Paris Hilton's coming after us?!_

**Jack:** No. _Worse._

**Gibbs:** But what could be worse than…_oh my God_…_TWO_ Paris Hiltons, Jack?!

**Jack:** No, no, no. _(giggles weakly)_ The good Lord isn't _that_ cruel.

**Gibbs:** Then why do we even have _one_ Paris Hilton, damn it?!

**Jack:** On second thought, Mr. Gibbs, what's coming after us isn't _nearly_ as bad as Paris Hilton, but, unfortunately, it's still very very very bad.

**Gibbs:** Oh. Good. _(clutching his chest, breathing heavily) _I was about to kill myself for a moment there, mate.

**Jack:** Don't worry, chap. _(pats Gibbs on the shoulder)_ I'm sure they'll do that for us.

**Gibbs (_shocked_):** _That's not comforting, Jack!_

**Jack:** What? You want your security blanket now?

**Gibbs:** Okay. _(Jack hands Gibbs a blue blanket, Gibbs sits down and sucks his thumb)_

**Jack:** That's m' boy! _(exits)_

_(We watch as Jack's hat floats toward a small fishing vessel around sunrise; a Turkish crewmember pulls hat out of the water with a hook, and he tries it on, jokingly pretending to be a captain)_

_(They are speaking in their native language; the following are the subtitles below them)_

**Turkish fisherman (_laughing_): ** Look at me! I'm a captain! Ha ha! Take me to your plumber!

**Greek fisherman:** Give that to me, you son of a bitch! _(takes hat from Turkish fisherman, tries it on)_ Ah! I'm a pimp!

**Turkish fisherman:** You're not a pimp!

**Greek fisherman:** ??? _(not even our professional translators could handle that monstrosity of a sentence that he said)_

_(a large object is seen moving underwater towards their vessel, creating a disturbance on the ocean surface as it moves)_

**Turkish fisherman:** Huh? What was that?

**Greek fisherman:** I think it was your Mom. _(Turkish fisherman slaps him)_

_(a loud thumping sound occurs, and the two sailors freeze in fright; the Greek fisherman presses the hat against the Turkish fisherman's chest, because he doesn't want it anymore)_

_(they look around once more in fear, then the whole ship is instantly pulled down in a huge splash)_

**Both fisherman (_last words, screaming, reaching for sky helplessly as they are dragged below_):** _OH SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIT!!!_


	6. Looking For Jack

**Adapted from the screenplay by Ted Elliott & Terry Rossio**

_(Will and Governor Swann rapidly descend stone steps into prison, guard at bottom holds long gun with bayonette at end)_

**Carruthers:** Here now. He can't be here.

**Governor Swann:** I think you'll find that he can, yeah?

**Carruthers:** Mr. Swann—

**Governor Swann:** _Governor_ Swann, still. You think I wear this wig to my head warm, yeah?

**Carruthers:** Yeah, I do.

**Governor Swann:** Then you are an _idiot!_

**Carruthers:** Yeah, I know.

**Elizabeth (_to Will_):** Jack's compass. What does Beckett want with that?

**Will:** I don't know. Maybe he thinks it will lead him to a pair of stilts or something.

**Elizabeth (_giggles_):** He's short.

**Will (_giggles_):** I know. _(romantic tickling)_

**Governor Swann:** Oh, for _God's _sakes, you crazy kidses…you're brother and sister, yeah?!

**Will:** Oh, crap! He's right!

**Elizabeth:** _We're not rednecks!_ _(move away from each other's fingers)_

**Governor Swann:** Don't leave, either! We have a movie to make, remember?!

**Elizabeth:** Damn it all.

**Will:** What's my line again?

**Governor Swann:** "Does it matter," yeah?

**Will (_to Elizabeth_):** Does it matter, yeah?

**Governor Swann:** No, no! You don't say "yeah"! _I_ said it!

**Will:** Oh. _(to Elizabeth)_ Does it matter?

**Elizabeth:** I don't see why it should. It's just one more word.

**Governor Swann:** _NO!!!_ _Wakko!_ Tell her, "I'm to find Jack and convince him to return to Port Royal"!

**Will (_to Governor_):** Well, what are you waiting for, then? Go out there and do it! _(to Elizabeth)_ He's going to find Jack and—

**Governor Swann (_screaming, pulling at wig_):** _NOOOOOOOOO!!!_ _You're_ going to do it! That's _your_ line!

**Will:** Why didn't you say so? _(to Elizabeth)_ I'm to find Jack and convince him to return to Port Royal. _(Pause; turns to Governor)_ Now what?

_(Governor Swann is growing red with anger, teeth grinding)_

**Carruthers:** I have a gun. Want me to shoot them?

**Governor Swann:** I want to say "yes," but if they die, then we don't have a movie, and if we don't have a movie, we don't get a paycheck, yeah?

**Carruthers:** You're right.

**Will:** I've got it! I remembered my lines!

**Governor Swann:** Oh. So now there _is_ a god, yeah?

**Will:** I guess so! _(to Elizabeth)_ In exchange, the charges against us will be dropped.

**Governor Swann:** No. We must find our own avenue to secure your freedom, yeah?

**Will:** Is that lack of faith in jack, or in me?

**Governor Swann:** That you would risk your life to save Sparrow's does _not_ mean that he would do the same for anyone else, yeah? Now, where's that dog with the keys? _(whistles)_

**Elizabeth:** I have faith in you. Both of you. _(caresses Will's chin)_ Where will you find him?

**Will:** Tortuga. I'll start there, and I won't stop searching 'till I find him. Unless, of course, there just _happens_ to be a doughnut shop along the way.

**Elizabeth:** If there is, get me some bear claws.

**Will:** And some cinnamon rolls for myself…

**Elizabeth:** Oh, and that sprinkly kind, too!...

**Will:** I'd be a fool not to bring back something glazed, now that you mention it…

**Elizabeth:** Yeah, and some jelly doughnuts wouldn't hurt, either…

**Will (_writing on slip of paper_):** I'm putting all this on my to-do list. _(Pause as he writes) _Okay! _(puts pen and notepad away) _And then I intend to return here, to marry you.

**Elizabeth:** Properly?

**Will:** What, you think I'd forget the doughnuts?

**Elizabeth:** No proper wedding can't not have doughnuts, Will!

**Will: **That's a double negative, but I don't care, 'cause I _love_ you!

**Elizabeth:** You don't care about the rules of grammar. I find that to be an incredible turn-on. I love a man who can't follow the rules.

**Will:** Yeah, baby, you should see me when it comes to the laws of physics! Oh boy, those are the _really_ fun ones to break!

**Elizabeth:** You must get in a _lot_ of trouble!

**Will:** You have _no_ idea!

**Carruthers _(aims gun at them_):** _Get to the point, damn it!_

**Will:** Sorry. _(to Elizabeth) _So, what did you want at the doughnut shop, again?

**Carruthers:** No, the _other_ point!

**Elizabeth:** Right. If it weren't for these bars, I'd have you already.

**Will:** Does that mean something naughty?

**Elizabeth:** Yes.

**Will:** _Eeeeeeeewwww!_

**Elizabeth:** I can't help it! I say what the script tells me to say!

_(Governor Swann accidentally knocks candleholder off the wall, as Will did in COTBP)_

_(Everyone pauses, before bursting into tearful laughter)_

_(after several minutes)_ **Governor Swann:** Okay, okay…ha!...okay, yeah?…seriously, now…_(to Will and Elizabeth)_ _CAN WE END THIS DAMN SCENE ALREADY?!_

**Elizabeth (_wiping tears from eyes, still giggling_):** Okay. Okay. _(to Will)_ I'll wait for you.

**Will (_whispered)_:** Keep a weather eye on the horizon. _(walks back up prison steps)_

_(on Tortuga; people talking to Will)_

**Weathered sailor:** _Captain_ Jack Sparrow? Owes me four doubloons. Heard he was dead.

**Half-blind fisherman:** Singapore. That's what I heard. Drunk with a smile on his face. Sure as the tide, Jack Sparrow will turn up in Singapore.

**Giselle:** Jack Sparrow?

**Scarlett:** I haven't seen 'im in a month.

**Giselle:** When you find him, will you send him a message? _(slaps Will in the face)_

**Will (_To Giselle, as she walks off with Scarlett_):** _Damn_, woman, it was only a question! It's not like I was asking you how far you can stick a banana up your—

_(rapid scene transition to see a black man sitting on a dock, mending his nets, and we clearly see a bunch of bananas and a goat being loaded aboard a ship in the background)_

**Shrimper:** Cannot say about Jack. But there is an island, just south of de straits, where I trade spice for…mmm…delicious long pork. Cannot say about Jack. But you find a ship dere. A ship wit black sails.


	7. Arrival At Pelegosto

**Adapted from the screenplay by Ted Elliott & Terry Rossio**

_(We see the Pearl stranded on the island through a spyglass)_

**Shrimper (_to Will_):** My brother will take you ashore.

**Will:** Don't you mean your _brotha_?

_(the shrimper's brother is rowing Will towards shore; he abruptly stops rowing)_

**Will:** What's wrong? The beach is right there.

**Shrimper's brother (_in French, subtitled_):** My mommy says I'm not allowed within 20 yards of that shoreline.

**Will:** You poor soul. Why not?

**Shrimper's brother:** There are _cannibals_ on that island!

**Will:** Cannonballs?

**Shrimper's brother:** _Cannibals!_

**Will:** Aside from the fact that they can kill you, what's so bad about cannonballs?

**Shrimper's brother:** _CANNIBALS!!! CANNIBALS!!! CANNIBALS!!!_

**Will:** Calm down, sir. They're just—_oh!_ You mean it's like a metaphor? I get it! Yeah, I think I get it now! …Cannonballs, eh? I'm proud to say I've got a pair of those m'self!

**Shrimper's brother _(screaming loudly in Will's face, to make his point_):** _AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!!_

**Will:** _Oh no! You're in labor!_

**Shrimper's brother:** I'm a _man_! And there are mother_(censored)_ing _cannibals_ on that mother_(censored)_ing island, you stupid mother_(censored)_er!

**Will:** No, no, the line is, "Get these mother_(censored)_ing snakes off this mother_(censored)_ing plane!" You silly goose, everyone knows _that_. _(angrily, the shrimper's brother tosses Will off his boat and rows away)_

**Shrimper's brother (_rowing away_):** And take your _cannonballs_ with you!

**Will (_sitting alone in water_):** Like I have a choice? _(swims ashore; wades ashore by the Pearl, which is tied to stakes in the sand with ropes; shouting)_ Jack! Jack Sparrow! Marty! Cotton! Anamaria! _(pause; to himself)_ Well, as long as I'm at it…Waldo! Waldo! Where are you?! Are you here?! Waldo? ... Anybody?_ (wanders into palm jungle bordering beach; the "parrots" flutter over and land on a tree stump)_

**Squit:** _Awk!_

**Pesto:** _AWK **YOU**_, Squit!

**Bobby (_pointing_):** Look, fellas, it's Will. _(Pesto and Squit look at Will.)_

**Will:** Ah! Familiar faces!

**Pesto (_to Will_):** And _awk **you**_, too!

**Squit:** _Rawk! Don't eat me!_

**Pesto:** Maybe if you shut the heck up, I _won't_!

**Bobby:** Heh heh. Look at Will's face. He's confused!

**Will (_confused look on his face_):** I'm not going to eat you. _(exits into jungle)_

**Pesto:** You know, guys, we were lucky to get out alive.

**Squit:** You said it.

**Pesto:** I said _what_?

**Squit:** It. You made a good point.

**Pesto:** What's that supposed to mean?! Huh?!

**Squit:** Nothing. I'm just saying, you're right.

**Pesto:** What? So now you think I'm right-winged? Now you think I'm a conservative, is that it?!

**Squit:** I said nothing of the sort!

**Pesto:** _That's it! (beats up Squit)_

**Bobby:** Heh. You guys really know how to make me laugh!

_(traveling through jungle, Will finds Gibbs' canteen hanging on a plant, trailing a long string)_

**Will:** Gibbs. _(follows string toward a large tree; human eyes open in background, camouflaged against nearby tree; cannibal shouts and jumps out at Will, who is then yanked by a snare, and is soon dangling upside down from a rope; cannibals charge out of bushes from all directions; Will draws sword and swings it at them)_ Euh! Unh! Euh! Come on! Let's go! Euh! Ya! Come on! Who wants it? Unh! I could do this all day!

_(a cannibal uses a blowgun to shoot a dart into Will's neck, and Will drops his sword to the ground) _

_(an aerial flyby over mountains of island; we watch as Will is carried while hung from a bamboo pole over a rope bridge and over to Jack, who sits on a throne with the music playing; he opens his eyes and the music stops, and it is revealed that his closed eyelids were painted to look like open ones)_

**Will:** Jack? Jack Sparrow! I can honestly say I'm glad to see you!

_(Rising from his throne, Jack says nothing and walks over to Will, carrying a scepter that looks like a feather duster; he pushes one hand into Will's shoulder, as if testing to see how much meat he has on him)_

**Will:** Jack! It's me! Will Turner!

**Jack (_to white-faced cannibal_):** Wah-say kohn.

**Will:** _Hubba WHA?!_

**White-faced cannibal:** Een dah-lah. Eeseepi.

**Cannibal crowd:** Eeseepi.

**Will:** Tell 'em to let me down.

**Jack:** Kay-lay lam. Lam piki-piki. Lam meensy weensy. Lam say-say…eunuchy. Snip-snip. _(makes scissors motion with two fingers)_

**Will (_to Jack_):** Oh, _dude_, don't be like that…

**Cannibal crowd:** Ahhh…_eunuchy_!

_(Jack begins to walk away, as if disinterested; Will notices his compass dangling from his waist)_

**Will:** Jack! The compass! That's all I need, Elizabeth is in danger. We were arrested for trying to help _you_. She faces the gallows!

_(Jack pauses, then turns around casually)_

**Jack (_to green-faced cannibal_):** Say-say lam shoop-shoop sha smalay-lama shoo-koo, savvy? …Ball licky-licky.

**Green-faced cannibal:** Ball licky-licky!

**Cannibal crowd:** Ball licky-licky!

**Will (_realization; to himself_):** I _knew_ this was about my cannonballs! I just _knew_ it! Oh, _brother_, this is a nightmare…

_(cannibals begin chanting repetitiously)_

**Cannibal crowd:** Boom-shoo-boo, boom-shoo-boo, boom-shoo-boo…

**Jack (_whispered urgently to Will_):** Save me!

**Will:** Jack, what did you tell them?! No! What about Elizabeth?! _(is carried away) JACK…!!!_


	8. Escape From Prison

**Adapted from the screenplay by Ted Elliott & Terry Rossio**

_(Elizabeth sits alone in her cell; male prisoners in adjacent are whistling and beckoning her)_

**Prisoners:** …we don't bite…come on…

_(Elizabeth solemnly turns to them, and flips them off before resuming her original position of BOREDOM)_

**Elizabeth:** Well, since I got nothing better to do… _(pulls out Gameboy Advance)_ All right! Pikachu!

**Governor Swann (_appearing outside cell, unlocking it_):** Come quickly, yeah?!

**Elizabeth (_disappointed_):** But pops, I was just getting started!

**Governor Swann:** You're in _prison_!

**Elizabeth:** But I was _just getting started_!

**Governor Swann: **But you want to get out of here, yeah?! _(opens door as though he was one of his/their servants)_

**Elizabeth:** Okay, okay. Sheesh. _(resumes playing Gameboy)_ Just give me a few more minutes. I've got an important gym battle coming up and I _need_ this badge, like, _a lot_, so…

**Governor Swann:** You can do that _later_, yeah?!

**Elizabeth:** But why do it later when I can do it _now_?

**Governor Swann:** Because you can _do it later_!

**Elizabeth:** …Good point. _(turns off Gameboy, puts it in her pocket, exits prison with Governor)_

**Prisoners (_to Elizabeth; in background_):** Where you goin'?

**Elizabeth (_following Governor; to prisoners_):** If it's not a Gameboy Pokemon convention, there's going to be some seriously unhappy people around here.

**Governor Swann:** There might very well be, Elizabeth, if we run out of luck. Now, luckily, our name still has some standing with the king, yeah? So, I've arranged passage to England. The captain is a friend of mine, yeah?

**Elizabeth:** No! _I want to go to a Gameboy Pokemon convention!_ And Will has gone to find Jack!

**Governor Swann:** We cannot count on William Turner, yeah? Come!

**Elizabeth (_slightly angry_):** Pokemon Gameboy games are a lot more fun than you give them credit for.

**Governor Swann:** _This isn't about Pokemon, you crazy child!_ Please, this is no time for innocence…and stupidity. Beckett has offered one pardon and one pardon only, yeah? One. As in, three minus two. As in, Metallica's first music video. As in, the number of gonads remaining on my person since the accident--

**Elizabeth:** _OKAY! I GET IT!_ _(pause)_ And seriously, pops, Good God…too much information there…

**Governor Swann: **Look, even if Will succeeds, do not ask me to endure the sight of my daughter walking to the gallows, yeah? _Do not._

_(a horse and carriage are waiting; the Governor opens the door and lets Elizabeth in)_

**Elizabeth (_sitting down_):** Hey, pops.

**Governor Swann:** Yes?

**Elizabeth:** Want to endure the sight of your daughter walking to the gallows?

**Governor Swann (_getting teary-eyed_):** …That's…that's not funny! Anyway …yeah?...anyway, perhaps I can ensure a fair trial for Will if he returns.

**Elizabeth:** A fair trial for Will ends in a hanging.

**Governor Swann:** Then there is nothing left for you here, yeah? _(closes carriage door, and horse and carriage ride off, then arrive at dock)(to Elizabeth) _Wait inside, yeah? _(steps down, walks towards Captain Hawkins, who is standing silently on dock facing out to sea)_ Captain? Captain… _(the Captains' body soon falls, revealing Mercer, who was standing behind the body, knife in hand)_

**Mercer:** Evening, Governor. _(wipes blood off knife)_ Shame, huh? He was carrying this. It's a letter to the king. It's from _you_.

**Governor Swann (_shocked_):** Uh…uh…_nuh-uh!_ _(starts to run off, but is cut off by horses and soldiers arriving)_ Elizabeth, yeah?! _(rushes to open carriage, but Mercer beats him to it)(to Mercer)_ What are you doing, yeah?!

_(Mercer opens carriage door, but it is empty)_

**Mercer (_to Governor_):** Where is she?

**Governor Swann:** Who, yeah?

_(Mercer grabs Governor by lapels and pushes him up against side of the carriage)_

_(at East India Trading Company headquarters; the room is darkened; Beckett walks in from the balcony – still a short man – carrying a lantern and reading a document; he walks to a table, opens a wooden box, and finds the Letters of Marque missing)_

**Beckett (_assuming Elizabeth is nearby_):** No doubt you've discovered that loyalty is no longer the currency of the realm, as your father believes.

**Elizabeth (_slipping out from an interior door, hands held behind her_):** Then what is?

**Beckett:** I'm afraid _currency_ is the currency of the realm.

**Elizabeth:** Darn trick questions. I expect then that we can come to some sort of understanding. I'm here to negotiate.

**Beckett:** I'm listening.

**Elizabeth:** Good, but can you _hear_ me is the big issue. I mean, you're so short compared to me, I'm just afraid my voice won't be able to travel _all_ the way down from my mouth to your head…

**Beckett:** _I'm not short! I'm listening! State your terms, darn it! (Elizabeth points a gun down at his forehead)_ I'm listening _intently_.

**Elizabeth:** These Letters of Marque, they are signed by the King?

**Beckett:** Yes, and they're not valid until they bear my signature and my seal.

**Elizabeth:** Or else I would not still be here. You sent Will to get the compass owned by Jack Sparrow. It will do you no good.

**Beckett:** Do explain.

**Elizabeth:** Stilts haven't been invented yet.

**Beckett:** _I'm not short!_

**Elizabeth:** Ah, it doesn't lead to stilts, anyway. And if you're thinking of going to the Isla de Muerta _(random thunder and lightning)_, I'll have you know that I have seen the treasure myself, and there is something you should know.

**Beckett:** Ah, I see. _You_ think the compass leads only to the Isla de Muerta _(random thunder and lightning)_, and so you hope to _save_ me from an evil fate.

**Elizabeth:** I thought being a midget was your evil fate.

**Beckett:** _I'M NOT SHORT!!!_ _(regains composure, clears throat) _You mustn't worry. I care not for cursed Aztec gold. My desires are not so provincial. There's more than one chest of value in these waters. So perhaps you may wish to enhance your offer. _(Elizabeth cocks her pistol, and Beckett signs the document)_

**Elizabeth:** Consider into your calculations that you robbed me of my wedding night.

**Beckett:** So I did. But consider into _your_ calculations that incense is…well…how do I put this politely?..._DIIIIIIISGUSTING!!!_ _(heats a stick of wax)_ A marriage interrupted. Or fate intervenes. You make great efforts to ensure Jack Sparrow's freedom. _(presses his signet into wax seal)_

**Elizabeth:** Consider into _your_ calculations that these aren't going to Jack.

**Beckett:** Oh, really. _(tries to hold papers back as Elizabeth takes them)_ To ensure Mr. Turner's freedom, then? I'll still want that compass. Consider _that_ in your calculations.

**Elizabeth:** Fine. I will. _(starts walking off)_But before I do, consider _this _in _your_ calculations. _(flips him off with both hands, then exits)_


	9. Pintel And Raggeti

**Adapted from the screenplay by Ted Elliott & Terry Rossio**

_(Pintel & Raggeti are in a longboat, huge relative to their size – because they're laboratory mice – along with the dog with the keys, Poochie)_

**Raggeti (_apparently reading a Bible_):** Well I say it was divine providence what escaped us from jail.

**Pintel (_rowing the boat_):** And _I_ say, it was me bein' _clever_.

**Raggeti:** But you're always clever, Brain. That's why everyone calls you "Brain."

**Pintel:** It's _Pintel_! We're in a movie, Pinky! We're _actors_! We're not playing ourselves!

**Raggeti:** We're not?

**Pintel:** Next time, why don't you read the script instead of the Bible?

**Raggeti:** Wait, you mean I'm reading the Bible?

**Pintel:** Yes. Look at the front cover. _(Raggeti looks at the front cover of his book)_

**Raggeti (_gasps_):** _Zounds!_ You're _right_! I _am_ reading the Bible!

**Pintel:** Well, "reading" in the loosest sense of the word.

**Raggeti:** And here I thought this was Nancy Drew!

**Pintel:** If Nancy Drew was in the Bible, I'd _definitely_ read it. That would kick serious literary and religious arse. Ain't that right, Poochie? _(Poochie goes to the bow of the boat and looks forward)_

**Raggeti:** Hey, Brain, do you think it was divine providence that inspired you to be clever?

**Pintel (_sarcastically_):** Oh _yes_, Pinky. Jesus appeared in my toilet, and I couldn't help but listen to his words of wisdom. _(pause)_ No, Pinky. I'm a supremely intelligent albino domestic strain of _Mus musculus_ resulting from scientific experimentation. We're _laboratory mice_. Our genes have been spliced.

**Raggeti (_singing_):** We're Pinky, we're Pinky, we're Pinky and the Brain, Brain, Brain, Brain—!

**Pintel (_steals Bible, whacks Raggeti with it_):** _Stop it._ We have a ship to steal. Do you remember the plan?

**Raggeti:** Plan?

**Pintel:** That's what I was afraid of.

**Raggeti:** Stealing is against my moral code, Brain. I _won't_ do it!

**Pintel:** It's not stealing. It's _salvaging_.

**Raggeti:** But you just said it _was_ stealing.

**Pintel:** I know that. I'm simply using a different word to produce a different connotation that will make it sound like a more appealing prospect to you.

**Raggeti:** …What?

**Pintel:** Never mind. Since when do you care, anyway?

**Raggeti:** Well, we're not immortal anymore. We gotta take care of our immortal souls.

**Pintel:** Put the Bible down, Pinky. It's making you crazy.

**Raggeti:** For your information, I was _already_ crazy!

**Pintel:** No, you were _stupid_. There's a difference. Besides, I'm a strong believer in Darwin's theory of evolution. There's too much evidence to deny it.

**Raggeti (_shocked gasp_):** _Narf!_ You _didn't_ just say that! _Brain!_ The Kansans heard that! Now they're going to come get you!

**Pintel:** Kansans, Pinky? _Kansans?_

**Raggeti:** It's God's favorite state!

**Pintel (_uncertain of what to make of Raggeti's statement_):** …Seriously, now, put the Bible down. _(Poochie barks at the shore)_ Look! There it is!

**Raggeti:** Kansas?

**Pintel:** The _Black Pearl_.

_(Poochie jumps overboard and swims toward shore)_

**Raggeti:** What's got into 'im?

**Pintel:** Must've seen a siluriform. _(laughs)_

**Raggeti (_confused_):** …I don't get it.

**Pintel:** A catfish, Pinky!

**Raggeti (_still confused_):** …I still don't get it.

**Pintel:** You're hopeless.

**Raggeti:** Not with God on my side!

**Pintel:** For His sakes, would you put the Bible down already?!

_(suddenly, their boat capsizes on a wave, and they wade ashore)_

**Pintel (_running toward Pearl_):** Come on! _(laughing)_ It's ours for the taking!

**Raggeti:** Tide's coming, that should help. Well, salvaging is saving, in a manner of speaking.

**Pintel:** There's the truth of it!

_(cannibal drums sound)_

**Raggeti (_joyous gasp_):** What _luck_, Brain! There's a concert going on! Can we go, _please?_

**Pintel:** _NO._ _(inspecting ship, Raggeti following him as he circles it) _Now, before we start salvaging, let's recapitulate the basic plan. We're taking the _Black Pearl_ because he who controls this ship controls all the teenage girls in the world.

**Raggeti:** Poit. Why's that?

**Pintel:** Apparently, swashbucklers have sex appeal, and there is nothing teenage girls like more than people with sex appeal.

**Raggeti:** _Narf!_

**Pintel:** I couldn't have said it better myself. Anyway, once we've won the hearts of the female teenage populace, we will turn them into our own personal army, and with that army, we will march up the steps of Washington, D.C., and take the President's place as _rulers_ _of the world!_

**Raggeti:** Egad, Brain, _brilliant_! Oh, wait, no, no…what if they have a curfew?

**Pintel:** Once again, it's _Pintel._ And if they do, we'll just have them say that this part of a school project.

**Raggeti:** What are they being graded on?

**Pintel:** It's _not_ a school project, Pinky. Now, come, Raggeti, we have a ship to salvage.


	10. The Great Escape, Part 1

**Adapted from the screenplay by Ted Elliott & Terry Rossio**

_(cannibal drums are pounding as two cannibal women walk up to Jack and drape a necklace of human toes around his neck)_

**Jack:** Thank you. _(studies one of the toes, bites part of the nail off) _Hmm. Tastes like chicken. _Yummies!_ _(takes a BIG bite)_

_(meanwhile, two spherical bone cages of six crewman apiece hang from ropes over a deep chasm; Will is in the same cage with Gibbs, Cotton, Marty, Anamaria, and one other)_

**Will:** This is the gayest expedition-to-retrieve-a-compass-so-I-can-save-my-fiancée-and-myself-from-being-hanged _ever._

**Gibbs:** What's that, mate?

**Will:** Why would he do this to us? Why would he make himself the chief of a bunch of homosexuals and throw us in here?

**Gibbs:** They aren't homosexuals, mate, they're _cannibals_.

**Will:** Um…a _man_ said "ball licky-licky" and we're stuck inside two hanging balls. How do you _not_ see that?

**Gibbs:** Look, mate, the Pelegostos made Jack their chief, but he only remains chief as long as he _acts_ like a chief.

**Will:** I never knew homosexuals could be so cruel.

**Gibbs:** _They're not homosexuals!_

**Will:** You can't prove that.

**Gibbs:** …I guess that's true. But there are more pressing matters at hand! They believe Jack is a _god_ in human form—

**Will:** Really? That's what the majority of our audience—teenage girls—believe about Johnny Depp! That's _weird_!

**Gibbs:** --_and_ they intend to do him the honor of releasing him from his fleshy prison. _(Cotton bites Gibbs' fingers to illustrate, resulting in a crunching sound; Gibbs cries in pain and pulls his hand back)_ They'll roast him and eat him.

**Will:** A barbeque? And _we're not invited_?! First I find out my fiancée and I face the gallows, now _this_?!_ WHY GOD?!_

**Gibbs:** I think you're missing the point. They're going to _kill_ Jack.

**Will:** And _how_ can you have a barbeque without _guests_?! Where's the rest of the crew?

**Gibbs:** These cages we're in…weren't built until _after_ we got here.

**Will (_pulling hand away from the bony bars of the cage)_:** You don't _kill_ half your guests and imprison the rest! That's just _not_ good etiquette!

**Gibbs (_rolling eyes at Will's obliviousness_):** Jack's life will end when the drums stop.

**Will:** I _want_ to go to the barbeque! _(turns to others in cage with him)_ Come on, men!

**Anamaria (_coughs_):** Ahem.

**Will:** And woman. We've _got_ to get to that barbeque!

_(back at throne, drums are pounding)_

**Jack: **Oup! No no! Oi! No no! More wood! Big fire! _Big_ fire! Want big fire! Come on! _(encouraging cannibals)_ Oi! Maboogie snickel-snickel. Tout de suite! Come on! More wood! _(cannibals, looking away from Jack, pile big pieces of wood onto the fire; when they finish, they turn around to see that Jack is gone)_

_(Jack runs across a bridge, alone, runs through trees and between huts, then runs up to cliff edge and totters at the edge, looking down; he stands at the edge of a rock wall, embedded with human skulls; he examines a piece of bamboo, but then puts it down and goes into a hut, where he sees various supplies; he picks up a rope and starts to exit, but then sees a can of paprika, picks it up, sees the EITC logo and walks out, only to see the entire tribe waiting silently outside, staring at him; he halts)_

**Jack:** Oh bugger. _(drops his coil of rope and sprinkles paprika on his armpits, while still wearing his shirt, confusing the natives)_ Little seasoning, aye? _(cut to Jack tied to bamboo, cannibals lifting him up via the pole and hanging him over the pile of wood via two supports; they are dancing wildly in anticipation)_ Medium rare?

_(cages are now swinging in increasingly large arcs, and both finally come within reach of the glib; men grab vines and hang on)_

**Gibbs:** Put your legs through! Start to climb!

**Will:** That's what she said. But seriously, _we have to get to that barbeque_!

**Leech:** But I'm a vegetarian!

_(Gibbs nods)_

**Will:** Whatever. Last one there's a rotten egg! _(the two cages begin racing each other to top)_ Come on, men! Where's your motivation?!

**Marty:** Come on! Give it all you've got! _(a cannibal is crossing the bridge)_

**Will:** Wait! I know! _(reaches behind back as others keep pulling on vines; he pulls out a brown bag and reaches inside, pulling out various random objects, including an umbrella, a Ralph's coupon, a car payment, a Persian cat, and finally a copy of the "Pirates of the Caribbean: The Curse of the Black Pearl" DVD, before finding what he was searching for—a little cardboard box, no bigger than his hand, labeled "Instant Cheerleaders: Just Add Water!")(to everyone else)_ Does anyone have any water?

**Everyone else:** No.

**Will:** Then how am I supposed to—wait, hold on a minute! _(turns away; we hear a trickling sound, but the camera is focusing on everyone else, who have shocked expressions on their face)(turning around)_ Okay! Done! _(throws now-wet box through opening in cage to top of cliff) _Boy, it's a good thing I drank so much soda on the way here! _ (we see cheerleaders dressed in skimpy green-and-white outfits and carrying equally green-and-white pom-poms pop out of the box, and they start dancing and chanting)_

**Cheerleaders (_chanting_):** Go main characters! Go main characters! You've got character shields! You can't die! You can't die! You can't die! You can't die! Go main characters!...

**Anamaria (_pausing_):** _What the hell?!_

**Will:** Come on, Anamaria! Where's your team spirit?

**Anamaria:** I'm not sure, but last time I looked, I'm pretty sure it was _up your ass_.

**Will:** _Leave my donkey out of this!_

**Leech (_seeing cheerleaders)_:** _No fair! No fair!_

**Will (_seeing cannibal crossing bridge)_:** Oh no! One of the homosexuals is crossing the bridge! Everyone be quiet!

**Leech (_ignoring Will, silent laugh)_:** Yeah, right. I'm not being a rotten egg!

**Will:** But I mean it! _(Cannibal sees the cheerleaders at the top of the cliff)_

**Cheerleaders _(dancing, chanting_):** We're dressed in skimpy clothing! We're popular and we're hot! Paris Hilton is a good person—oh, wait, _no she's not!_

**Cannibal (_in native language, subtitled_):** Oh my God. That's _true_. _(looks down, sees cages climbing)_ _Hey!_ They're not supposed to be doing that! _(looks around himself for weapon to throw at them)_

_(Leech is still climbing, but grabs a snake instead of a vine)_

**Leech:** Snake! _(screams, causing everyone else in his cage to scream, causing them to let go of vines, cage to slide down, rope to break, and cage to fall down to bottom of chasm)_

**Men in Leech's cage, including Leech (_last words, screaming as they fall_):**_ OH SHIIIIIIIIIIIIT!!!_

_(Cannibal sees cage fall, sees other cage with main characters still climbing)_

**Cannibal (_subtitled_):** Oh _no you don't!_ _(throws his weapon—a small rock—at their cage, but instead, it just falls to bottom of chasm)(seeing rock fall)_ Hmm. Maybe I should've thought this through better.

**Someone (_unseen at bottom of chasm, rock heard hitting their head_):** _OW!_

**Cannibal:** I'll be _back, _bitches!

_(back at throne, drums are pounding; a white-faced cannibal carrying a torch runs across bridge to bonfire area)_

**White-faced cannibal (_holding torch, but you knew that already_):** Ahhh! Fye-fye!

**Cannibal crowd:** Ahhh! Fye fye!

_(White-faced cannibal is putting fire closer and closer to wood underneath Jack, when cannibal from bridge arrives to tell the tribe of the escaping men in cages)_

**Cannibal:** The bitches are getting away!

**Random cannibal in crowd (_subtitled_):** How come _he_ has subtitles and _we_ don't?!

**Another random cannibal (_subtitled_):** Look! You have subtitles now, too!

**Random cannibal in crowd (_looking down_):** I _do_! _Wow!_ That's _cool! (pause; looks down) Booger. (he said it just to see it appear in his subtitle, laughs)_ That's _awesome_!

**Cannibal:** But the bitches are getting away!

**White-faced cannibal (_turning to Jack)_:** Oogie boogie mawoogie?

**Another random cannibal (_pointing at white-faced cannibal in mockery_):** Ha ha! We have subtitles and you don't! We have subtitles and you don't!

**Jack:** Um…I say…go on! Go get them! Yeah! Hay alla!

**Cannibal crowd:** Hay alla! Alla, alla! _(cannibals run off to chase after men escaping in cages, in process dropping a torch near the pile of wood under Jack)_

**Jack:** No! No no! Oi! No no! _(edges of wood begin to catch fire)_ …Not good. _(blows futilely at rising flames)_


	11. The Great Escape, Part 2

**Adapted from the screenplay by Ted Elliott & Terry Rossio**

_(the cage containing Will, Gibbs, Marty, Cotton, Anamaria, and the other dude makes it to the top of the cliff)_

**Will:** I can smell it! I can smell the barbeque! Quick! Cut it loose! Find a rock! We need to get there ASAP! _(he manages to sever the rope by hammering it with a rock)_

_(soon, cannibals appear, but the crew are unable to open the cage in time to escape)_

**Will:** Roll the cage! _(they roll the cage down the hill, then it falls over the edge of a tiny cliff, then it rolls down another hill, up a coconut palm trunk, and crashes to the ground, unbroken)_

**Will:** Lift the cage! Hurry!

**Gibbs:** Come on, men! Lift it like a lady's skirt!

**Anamaria (_to crewman_):** Sexist bastards! _(grudgingly lifts cage with them)_

_(everyone begins running with the cage protruding underneath them while holding it up; Marty's legs make a running motion but he is too short to reach the ground)_

**Will:** Come on! There's no time to lose! _(the cage then rolls over ANOTHER small hill, momentarily airborne, then rolls over a ledge and down a chasm into water; men swim underwater)_

**Cannibal (_as he and others shoot arrows and throw spears at crew, subtitled_):** Kill the bitches! Kill the bitches!

**Gibbs:** This way, lads!

_(meanwhile Jack runs along atop a rock wall, trying to untie the rope on his back, when he sees a cannibal boy watching him, carrying a knife and fork; he runs up to the boy and takes the knife; boy runs off)_

**Jack:** Wait! Where are you going? Don't you want your knife back? …Oh well. _(turns around, trying to untie himself, two cannibal women holding baskets of fruit quietly watching him)_ Oh. Hi. I was just, uh…uh…wow, this is…uh…great island, guys! This is some prime real estate you got here! Uh… _(is still eliciting no response from them)_ Nothing? _(they shake their heads "no")_ Well, in that case… _(shrugs, screams and charges at them with bamboo tied to his back; the bamboo pole spears a coconut in a pile of coconuts at the foot of the wall; he turns suddenly, sending the coconut flying into one of the cannibal women's faces; she pulls it off with rising anger, and the two cannibal women throw various fruits at Jack, which all cling to the pole as he swings wildly trying to avoid them)_ STOP IT!!! _(he now looks like a human—well, since he's a cartoon Yakko, a cartoon shish-ka-bob)_

_(Jack runs towards a rock at the edge of the cliff, sending him pole-vaulting across to the other side, barely landing safely; but then the fruit slides down to the end of his pole, adding weight and sending him flying down the chasm; the cannibal women watch him fall with disinterest)_

**Cannibal woman:** A-geev-nee. A boogie? _(they walk off)_

**Jack (_stuck between the walls of the chasm, about to fall_):** Bugger. _(falls screaming, through one rope bridge, then another, eventually passing through six and landing on the grass below; the bamboo pole comes down at him, spears the ground near his head, and then fruits tumble down afterward)_

_(on beach, crew are running toward Black Pearl, where Ragetti and Cotton's" parrots" are aboard ship, and Pintel is on beach below)_

**Pintel:** Unloose the mooring lines! The mooring lines!

_(on deck, Ragetti is bouncing his eye around like a rubber bouncy ball and laughing playfully, when the monkey arrives and takes it away from him)_

**Ragetti:** _Hey!_ That's _mine!_ Get your own! _(chases after monkey, which bites into his eye)_ Don't bite it! I already tried that, it doesn't taste good!

**Pintel:** Unloose the mooring lines!

**Ragetti (_climbing up to railing to call out to Pintel_):** He's got my eye! He won't give it back! Brain, we should _sue_ him!

**Pintel:** For the thousandth time, it's _Pintel!_ How'd you get it back last time?

**Ragetti:** We _sued_ them, remember? That's how we got all the money to buy the lab back after we sold it to buy tickets to the Academy Awards and—_oh! Pintel! Behind you! Visitors!_

_(Gibbs arrives, running past Pintel and picking him up in his hand, much to Pintel's shock and surprise)_

**Gibbs:** Excellent work! Work's half done!

**Pintel (_seeing rest of the crew as he is carried aboard by Gibbs_):** My plan is _ruined_! World domination foiled yet _again_!

**Gibbs:** Suck it up, lad. _(to Will)_ Make ready to sail, boy!

**Will:** What about Jack? I won't leave without him.

**Jack (_in distance, running towards them_):** Eh! _(Will smiles, but then sees a crowd of cannibals suddenly appear behind Jack)_

**Will:** Time to go.

**Gibbs:** _Cast off those lines!_

_(Jack runs screaming along beach, running toward Poochie, who is barking at him)_

**Gibbs:** Make ready to cast off!

**Jack (_running past Poochie_):** Good doggy! Doggy… _(keeps screaming and running, grabs a hold of the rigging on the side of the Pearl, turns to cannibal crowd) Alas_, my children! This is the day that you shall always remember as the day that you almost—_(a big wave splashes him from behind)_ …Ah, screw it. _(climbs aboard ship)_

_(the cannibal crowd falls silent as the ship leaves, at which Poochie barks excitedly; everyone in the crowd turns to Poochie, who falls silent, whimpers, and runs off down beach; cannibals chase him, shouting wildly)_

_(onboard Black Pearl)_ **Gibbs:** Let's put some distance between us and this island and head out to open sea.

**Jack:** Yes to the first, yes to the second, but only insofar as we keep to the shallows as much as possible.

**Gibbs:** Uh, that seems a bit contradictory, Captain.

**Jack:** I have every faith in your reconciliatory navigational skills, Master Gibbs, now where is that monkey? I want to shoot _something._

**Gibbs:** Oh, you don't need the monkey, anymore, Jack.

**Jack:** …Do tell?

**Gibbs:** We got you a _person_ you can shoot at!

**Jack:** Will they die?

**Gibbs:** I sure hope so.

**Jack:** All righty. Bring 'em in. _(Gibbs nods to Marty and Cotton, who zoom down below deck and then zoom back, Nicole Richie as their captive) _It's _Nicole Richie! (smiles evilly, cocks pistol)a_

**Gibbs:** Yes, we knew you'd enjoy this.

**Jack:** It's like an early birthday! _(cocks pistol again, aims it at Nicole Richie's chest)_ You know, your father was a good man. "Brick House," "Say You, Say Me," "We Are The World"…good man, good singer.

**Nicole Richie:** Thank you.

**Jack:** But what have _you_ accomplished?

**Nicole Richie:** I starred with Paris Hilton on _The Simple Life._

**Jack:** And for that, the world can never forgive you. _(cocks pistol a third time)_ I _love_ that sound! _(returns to Nicole Richie)_ Okay, bye-bye. _(shoots her down; Marty and Cotton throw her corpse overboard)_ Wow, that felt _great._

**Ragetti: **Um, Jack?

**Jack:** Yes, my diminutive friend?

**Ragetti:** The monkey has my eye. Would you shoot that, too, please?

**Jack:** Oh. Okay. If you say so. _(shoots monkey climbing along wires; it drops the eye, and the eye amazingly bounces several times and lands right into Ragetti's eye socket)_

**Ragetti:** _Narf!_ Thank you!

**Will:** Jack.

**Jack (_mocking Will_): **Ha ha! You missed the barbeque! You missed the barbeque!

**Will _(holding back his tears_): **I know. Don't remind me! _(regains composure) _Elizabeth is in danger.

**Jack:** Have you considered keeping a more watchful eye on 'er? Maybe just lock her up somewhere.

**Will:** She _is_ locked up, in a prison, bound to hang for helping _you._

**Jack:** There comes a time when one must take responsibility for one's mistakes. _(Will pulls a sword from the waist of a pirate and points it at Jack)_

**Will:** I need that compass of yours, Jack. I must trade it for her freedom. _(Jack pushes the sword aside)_

**Jack:** Mr. Gibbs!

**Gibbs:** Cap'n.

**Jack:** We have a need to travel upriver.

**Gibbs:** By "need," d'you mean a…trifling need, as in say in a passing fancy?

**Jack:** No, a…resolute and unyielding need.

**Will:** What we need to do is make sail for Port Royal with all haste.

**Jack:** William…I shall trade you the compass, if you will help me…to find _this._ _(pulls cloth out, meaning to show Will the drawing of the key, but is on the wrong side, showing the phone number)_

**Will (_reading_):** "Jenny: 867-5309." What's to find? Her number's right there.

**Jack (_realizing his good_):** Oops. My bad. _(flips cloth over to draw-ring side)_

**Will:** Who is she, Jack? Is she, like, a call girl or something?

**Jack:** Don't be ridiculous, Willy. This is a _family_ movie.

**Will:** Oh really? _(reaches into Jack's pocket, pulls out an issue of Playboy magazine)_

**Jack:** …That was a gift.

**Will:** Oh really? _(looks at back cover, sees subscription tag with Jack's name on it)_

**Jack:** …I only read the articles. I don't look at the pictures.

**Will:** Oh really? _(opens magazine; all the written parts have been torn out)_

**Jack: **…I'm no pervert. Those photographs are works of art. I take them very seriously.

**Will:** Oh really? _(looks at one of the nude photos; a mustache has been drawn on the women's face in black marker)_

**Jack:** …I read that she was supposed to be a man, but the photos got mixed up, and so I tried to fix it, and—

**Will:** Look, Jack! This _isn't_ a family movie! It's NC-17! It's full of gore and sex and swearing!

**Jack:** No it's not.

**Will:** Gimme five seconds and I can _make_ it NC-17.

**Jack:** You can do that?

**Will:** _Oh yeah._

**Jack:** I'd tell you to do it, but this chapter is long enough as it is. …So, I'll give you the compass if you find this for me.

**Will (_looks at the draw-ring_):** You want me to find this?

**Jack:** No. _You_ want you to find this. Because the finding of this finds you incapacitorially finding and/or locating and your discovering the detecting of a way to save your dolly belle ol…what's-her-face. Savvy?

**Will (_holding the draw-ring_):** This is going to save Elizabeth?

**Jack:** How much do you know about Davy Jones?

**Will:** …Not much. I referenced him in the first film, but other than that, I got nothing.

**Jack:** Yeah. It's going to save Elizabeth.

**Will:** Will there be any doughnut shops along the way?

**Jack:** Yes.

**Will _(glad_):** _Bitchin'!_


	12. The Stowaway And The River

**Adapted from the screenplay by Ted Elliott & Terry Rossio**

_(onboard the Edinburgh Trader, a crewman is swabbing the deck when he comes across a dress tucked in a corner; he pulls it out, and soon the crewman are arguing over it; Captain Bellamy comes in to investigate)_

**Bellamy:** What's all this? If you both fancy the dress, you'll just have to share, and wear it one after the other. _(laughter from crew)_

**Bursar:** It's not like that, Sir. This ship is haunted.

**Bellamy:** Is it now? _(turns to quartermaster)_ 'N' you?

**Quartermaster:** The…female presence…amongst us, yes…all the men…they can feel it…

**Bellamy:** Don't we _all_ wish we could _feel_ the female presence. You know what I mean, eh? Eh? _Eh?_ _(elbowing another crewman knowingly)_ _Yeah_, you do.

**Crewman 1:** The ghost of a lady, widowed before her marriage, I figure it. Searching for her husband, lost at sea.

**Crewman 2:** A virgin, too, likely as not.

**Crewman 3:** And that bodes ill by all accounts.

**Bursar:** I say…that we throw the dress overboard, and we hope that the spirit finds it.

**Quartermaster:** _No!_ That—that will just anger the spirit, Sir. What we need to do is find out what the spirit needs, and then just get it back! _(attempts to grab away dress)_

**Bellamy:** Enough! _Enough!_ You're a pair of superstitious goats and it's got the best of you.

**Quartermaster (_giggling, pointing at Bursar_):** Heh heh. He called you a goat.

**Bellamy:** _You too!_

**Quartermaster:** _Awww…_

**Bellamy: **Now this appears to be no more as we have a stowaway aboard. A young woman, by the look of it. I want you to search the ship and find 'er. Oh, and uh…she's probably naked. _(crew enthusiastically rushes to find the stowaway)_

**Elizabeth (_to herself_):** Sexist bastards.

**Bellamy:** What'd you say, laddie?

**Elizabeth: **Oh, I said _(clears throat to sound more masculine)_ …I said, "Sexist bastards," Sir.

**Bellamy:** They're not sexist. It's just that no man can resist the sight of a naked woman. You're a man, surely _you_ know that.

**Elizabeth:** I'm no _(clears throat again)_ …I'm no man! _(it takes a second for her to register what she just said; slaps herself on the forehead)_

**Bellamy:** But…I didn't bring any women on this crew. And you don't _look_ like a woman. And…_wait a minute here…_a woman's dress…a person claiming to be a woman…hmmm…there's something going on _right now_, but I just can't figure out what it is…I _know_ it, I _know_ I know it, but it just…won't _register_…!

**Elizabeth:** Is it that I'm the woman and you're disappointed that I'm not naked?

**Bellamy:** Something like that. You're intuitive, laddie. You'll be going places someday. _(puts his hand on her shoulder)_ Let me know if you see that woman, will you?

**Elizabeth (_glances at audience, gives them a "how can he be this oblivious?" look_):** What are you going to do with her once you find her?

**Bellamy:** Probably ogle her a little bit before giving her the dress back.

**Elizabeth:** Oh. Good. Well, on behalf of your wife back home… _(kicks Bellamy in the groin, he collapses in pain onto the deck)(to audience as she walks off)_ Boys. Go fig.

_(Two longboats are traveling up the Pantano River, which is in a swampy area with twisted roots)_

**Will:** Why is Jack afraid of the open ocean?

**Gibbs:** Well, if you believe such things, there's a beast does the bidding of Davy Jones. A fearsome creature with giant tentacles that suction your face clean off!

**Marty:** _Spew!_

**Will:** I had a girlfriend like that once.

**Anamaria:** I'll bet you did.

**Will:** It was fun in bed, but whenever we went out in public, it was just downright embarrassing. That's why we broke it off.

**Anamaria:** I'll bet it is.

**Gibbs:** But wait! There's more!

**Will:** Should I be dialing the toll free number right now?

**Gibbs:** It'll drag an entire ship past the crushing darkness!

**Anamaria:** What's it called?

**Will:** The _Kraken! (dead silence from everyone)_

**Anamaria:** The Kraken, eh? That doesn't sound scary to _me._

**Marty:** It does to me, Aunt Slappy.

**Anamaria:** _Character_, Skippy, stay in _character_!

**Marty:** Sorry! _(gets back in character)_

**Pintel:** Yes, we don't need _two_ imbeciles forgetting they're acting in a major motion picture.

**Ragetti:** Who's the other imbecile, Brain?

**Pintel:** I'm afraid you just answered your own question, Ragetti.

**Ragetti:** But you can't answer a question with another question! I didn't answer my own question because if I did, I wouldn't have asked another question! How can I have answered my own question if I answered the question with another question, which itself requires an answer? That's my question.

**Anamaria:** My question is, how much longer before I bite it? I don't want to spend the last few years of my life listening to moronic questions coming from imbeciles like you.

**Ragetti:** But moronic questions come from morons! How can I ask moronic questions if I'm an _imbecile_? It just doesn't work! If anything, I ask _imbecilic_ questions, thank you very much.

**Anamaria:** There's a very fine line between moron and imbecile, you moronic imbecile.

**Ragetti:** Make up your mind!

**Pintel:** My head hurts.

**Ragetti:** Have you tried an aspirin?

**Gibbs:** _Men!_ _(Anamaria grunts)_ …And woman. I'm not finished with my lines yet. They say the stench of the Kraken is like—_ooh!_

**Will:** Worse than rotten eggs?

**Gibbs:** Much worse. Imagine: the last—

**Will:** Worse than a skunk?

**Gibbs:** Yes, much worse. Imagine: the last thing you know on God's green earth is—

**Will:** Worse than this? _(lifts his arms, the stench from his pits making everyone gag and scream)_

**Gibbs:** _Yes, it's worse than that!_ _(Will puts his arm down, much to everyone's relief) _Anyway, imagine: the last thing you know on God's green earth is the roar of the Kraken, and the reeking odor of a thousand rotting corpses! …If you believe such things. _(long silence as everyone contemplates the sheer horror of the Kraken—this is finally broken by the sound of a very small fart; all but Will cover their noses in disgust)_

**Marty:** _Aaah! SPEW!!! WHAT IS THAT?!_

**Anamaria (_gagging_):** _I can't breathe!_

**Pintel:** Oh my God. I think it's actually reverting my genes! I'm becoming…_normal_! _AAAAAHHH!_

**Ragetti:** _Wooo! _By jove, _something_ smells good! But _what_ is it?

**Gibbs (_to will_):** Was that you, mate?

**Will:** Yes, it was. I farted.

**Anamaria:** _Fart you_, Turner!

**Will:** Sorry, I couldn't help it. …But does it smell worse than that, Mr. Gibbs?

**Gibbs:** You're lucky it does mate, by a small margin…otherwise we'd probably be killin' ya right now.

**Anamaria:** Can I kill him anyway?

**Gibbs:** No.

**Anamaria:** Fine. Then I'll just hold a very strong grudge against him instead.

**Gibbs:** That's fair. …I think the stench is gone.

**Ragetti:** _Awww…_pity. I liked it.

**Pintel (_inspecting himself_):** It must've made me delusional. I _feel_ like a genetically enhanced lab mouse…the feeling of reversion must've been a result of the scent molecules altering my mental perception of the world. _Intriguing_….

**Will:** So the key will spare Jack an attack from the Kraken?

**Gibbs:** Alas, that's the very question Jack wants answered, mate. Even if it means he has to go visit…_her._

**Will:** Her?

**Gibbs (_nods_):** Aye.

**Will:** …Could you _be_ any less ambiguous?


	13. Tia Dalma

**Adapted from the screenplay by Ted Elliott & Terry Rossio**

_(passing through a bayou with fireflies, an iguana sitting on a branch that eats one of the fireflies, and the occasional person is seen standing in the darkness among the trees)_

**Jack (_pulling up to Tia's shack_):** No worries, mates. Tia Dalma and I go way back. Nigh inseparable we are. Were. Have been. Before.

**Gibbs:** I'll watch your back.

**Jack:** Okay, but if I happen to lose any, um, _important_ bodily organs at the _front_ of my body, I'm blaming _you_ for not providing them adequate protection.

**Gibbs:** If you're that worried about 'em, mate, just wear a bloody cup.

**Jack:** If I did _that_, I wouldn't have any fun in being able to blame you for my problems! Boy, you _really_ need to learn some common sense, Mr. Gibbs. _(climbs steps)_

**Gibbs (_to Will_):** Mind the boat.

**Will (_to Gibbs_):** Screw that! _(to Ragetti)_ Mind the boat. _(climbs steps)_

**Ragetti (_to Will_):** I will _not_! _(to Pintel)_ Mind the boat. _(laughs, climbs steps)_

**Pintel (_to Ragetti_):** You underestimate my usefulness. _(to Anamaria)_ Mind the boat. _(climbs steps)_

**Anamaria (_to Pintel_):** How about…_no_? _(to Marty)_ Mind the boat. _(climbs steps)_

**Marty (_to Anamaria_):** Aw, _come on! (to Cotton's "parrots")_ Mind the boat. _(climbs steps)_

**Bobby:** That son of a bitch left us with the boat.

**Pesto:** That's it! I'm kicking his ass! _(flies after Marty, Bobby not far behind)_

**Squit (_following them_):** Guys! Violence is not the answer! _(sees Cotton alone in boat)_ Uh…mind the boat, I guess. _(continues following them)_

_(Jack enters the shack, opening the door very slowly; as he walks in, he nearly walks into a live snake hanging above him; Tia Dalma, a gray cat with white face, belly, paws, and tail tip, and a small white cloth bandage wrapped end of tail, is fiddling with a ball of green yarn, humming to herself "Smoke On The Water" by Deep Purple)_

**Tia:** Jack Sparrow!

**Jack:** Tia Dalma!

**Tia:** I always knew the wind was going to blow you back to me one day!

_(she spots Will and hops over to him, smelling his pant leg and rubbing against it, purring)_ You…You have a touch of destiny about _you_, William Turner.

**Will:** You know me?

**Tia:** No, actually, you just wrote your name on your socks.

**Will:** Well, I don't want to lose them. These are very special socks. They have my name on them, but M.C. Hammer also signed them. See? _(lifts off shoe, reveals M.C. Hammer autograph, but everyone else is more concerned about how badly his feet smell)_

**Tia (_screaming away from Will_):** I can't believe I thought that was the smell of _fish_!

**Will:** No, Phish signed the other sock. Here, I'll show you. _(is about to remove other shoe)_

**Jack, Gibbs, Pintel, Ragetti, Marty, Anamaria, Bobby, Pesto, Squit, & Tia: **_NO!!!_

**Will:** I can't believe nobody here likes Phish! They're a great band! They— _(Gibbs duct tapes Will's mouth shut, and his shoes back on)_

**Gibbs:** I think we're safe now.

**Anamaria:** Don't be too sure. We're 'toons.

**Gibbs:** I'm scared enough as is, lass. Don't make it worse.

**Anamaria:** If you don't want it worse, then don't look in the mirror. You need to shave, bub, that's all I'm sayin'.

**Jack:** _Ahem!_

**Anamaria:** You're excused.

**Jack:** I have important work to do here. Please be quiet.

**Tia:** Well, Jack, what service may I do you? Hmm? _(fiddles with toy mouse) _You know I demand payment!

**Jack:** I brought payment. _(Jack whistles, and Gibbs hands him the monkey in its cage)_ Look! _(cocks his pistol, shoots the monkey, but, being undead, the monkey is unaffected)_ An undead monkey! Top that!

_(Tia unlocks the cage with her claw and the monkey scampers off)_

**Gibbs:** No! You've no idea how long it took us to catch that!

**Tia:** The payment is fair. _(spots Pintel and Raggeti, bares her canines)_ Are those two part of the payment as well? 'Cause if so, it just went from "fair" to "delicious"!

**Pintel:** We are _not _part of the payment. We are _crewmembers_.

**Tia:** You look appetizing.

**Ragetti:** Why thank you.

**Pintel:** You weren't supposed to thank her for that, Ragetti.

**Ragetti:** But how often do we receive a compliment like that, Pintel? It's only polite.

**Pintel:** Polite, maybe, but still stupid.

**Will:** We're looking for this. _(lays cloth down on table beside Tia)_ And what it goes to.

**Tia:** The compass you bartered from me, it cannot lead you to _this_?

**Jack:** Maybe. Why?

**Tia:** Ah. Jack Sparrow does not know what he wants! Or, you do know, but are loathe to claim it as your own. _(arises, starts walking in circles)_ Your key goes to a chest, and it is what lays inside the chest you seek, isn't it?

**Gibbs:** What _is_ inside?

**Marty:** Gold?

**Anamaria:** Jewels?

**Pintel:** Unclaimed properties of a valuable nature?

**Ragetti:** _Bleu cheese?_ _(everyone gives him strange look)_ What?

**Tia:** You're all hoping it's nothing _bad_, right?

**Will:** Yes we are.

**Tia:** You know of...Davy Jones, right?

**Anamaria:** Sure I do. One hell of a comedian, that boy. _(laughs)_

**Jack:** That's not funny.

**Anamaria:** It is to _me._

**Tia:** Davy Jones is a man of the sea. A great sailor, until he ran afoul of that which vexes all men.

**Will:** What vexes all men? Pokemon on Gameboy Advance?

**Tia:** What, indeed.

**Gibbs:** The sea?

**Pintel:** World domination?

**Ragetti:** _Chocolate fondue parties! (more strange looks from everyone else)_ What?

**Jack:** Oh…_I _get it…it's a _woman!_

**Tia:** A _woman._ He fell in love.

**Gibbs:** No, no, no, no, I heard it was the _sea_ he fell in love with.

**Tia: **Same story, different versions, and _all_ are _true_.

**Jack:** Can you hear that?

**Will:** It's an orchestra!

**Gibbs:** Aye, and it's getting louder!

**Tia:** My big musical number is coming up right about _(listens closely to music) NOW! (bobs head, sways body and tail to orchestral music; starts to sing)_ The woman was as changing, and harsh, and untamable as the sea / He never stopped loving her, and so he could never be free / The pain it caused him was oh so much to bear / Too much to live without, too little to die, oh, life is never fair…

**Gibbs:** What exactly did he put in the chest/

**Tia (_continuing to sing_):** He put in his heart, 'cause naturally, he was vexed/

**Ragetti:** Literally or figuratively/

**Pintel:** You couldn't put your heart in there literally/ Or could he?

**Tia: **You will see / It wasn't worth feeling / What small fleeting joy life brings / So he carved out his heart / And locked it away, away from the all bad things / He keeps the keys with him at all times /

**Will (_to Jack_):** You knew this, and why are we speaking in rhymes/

**Jack:** I did not / I didn't know where the key was / But now we do / And we're gonna climb aboard the _Flying Dutchman_ because / That's where the key is / We'll grab it there for ya, we'll get it / Then you can go back to Port Royal / And save your bonnie lass from a midget/ Hey! Hey! Hey! Everybody sing along! _Everybody! (orchestra abruptly stops)_ Huh?

**Tia:** Sorry, too bad, that's the end of the song. Let me see your hand. _(Jack offers her his right hand, then she unwraps the bandage on his left with her claws, revealing the boiling black spot)_

**Gibbs (_gasps in fear_):** _The black spot! (wipes his hands on his chest, spins around once to the left, and spits downward, soaking Pintel and Ragetti, who shriek at their being covered in spit)_

**Pintel (_wiping off spit_):** How mortifying.

**Ragetti (_wiping off spit_):** Maybe a pirate's life isn't for me after all, Pintel.

**Pintel:** Having a brain isn't for you either, I've noticed.

**Jack:** My eyesight's as good as ever, just so you know.

_(Tia hops over into another room through cloth door, searches through things, humming Don McLean's "American Pie" to herself)_

**Anamaria:** What do you think she's getting?

**Marty:** Something really cool, I'll bet! There's always something _really cool_ the good guys are given to defeat the bad guys with!

_(Jack steals a ring off one of Tia's tables, beside of which is a silver locket; from the porch, the monkey whines; Tia then returns, pushing a jarful of dirt across the floor with her head)_

**Tia:** Can somebody get this for me?

_(Jack picks up jar of dirt, much to Tia's relief)_

**Tia:** Thanks. Davy Jones cannot make port. He cannot step on land but once every ten years. Land is where you are safe, Jack Sparrow. And so you will carry land with you. _(opens claw, points to jar of dirt in Jack's hand)_

**Jack:** Dirt. This is a jar of dirt.

**Marty:** _Dirt?_ That's _boring_!

**Anamaria:** Is the rest of this movie this anticlimactic? 'Cause if it is, I want out.

**Jack:** I've read the script. Don't worry, it's not.

**Ragetti:** I'm proud to say that I _haven't_ read the script!

**Pintel:** And I'm ashamed that you're the other half of this duo.

**Jack:** So, getting _back in character_…is the jar of dirt going to _help_?

**Tia:** If you don't want it, give it back.

**Jack (_pressing jar against his chest, cradling it_):** No!

**Tia:** Then it helps.

**Will (_to Tia_):** It seems…we have a need to find _The Flying Dutchman_.

_(Tia hops over to a scratching post and claws it vigorously)_

**Tia:** A touch…of _destiny_! _(when she's done clawing, a map of the location of the Flying Dutchman is revealed, into which we fade)_


	14. The Flying Dutchman

**Adapted from the screenplay by Ted Elliott & Terry Rossio**

_(aboard Black Pearl in stormy weather, Will and crew look at the scuttled ship on the rocks)_

**Will (_to Jack_):** That's the _Flying Dutchman_?

**Jack:** No, it's not.

**Will:** It's _not_? _(Gibbs whacks Jack upside the head)_

**Jack:** Oh, I mean, yes, it is the _Flying Dutchman_. Yeah.

**Will:** She doesn't look like much.

**Jack:** Neither do you. You're perfect for each other. _(whacks Gibbs upside the head)_

**Gibbs (_in a phony voice_):** Must've run afoul of the reef. _(out of revenge, whacks Jack upside the head again)_

**Jack:** So what's your plan, then? _(whacks Gibbs upside the head)_

**Will:** I row over, search till I find your bloody key.

**Jack:** Trust me, the key won't be the only bloody thing you find.

**Will:** What's that supposed to mean?

**Jack:** It means you're gonna die, you idiot.

**Will:** _What?!_

**Jack (_whacked upside the head by Gibbs again_):**I mean, I'm just joshing. You'll be completely safe.

**Will:** But you told me to cut down anyone in my path.

**Jack:** Yeah, but because it would be _funny_.

**Will:** There's the plan, then.

**Jack:** I like it. Simple, easy to remember.

**Ragetti (_working with Pintel to drop Will down to boat_):** Your chariot awaits you sire! _(laughs)_

**Jack (_calling down to Will_): **Hey! If you _do_ happen to get captured, just say Jack Sparrow sent you to settle his debt! Might save your life!

**Ragetti (_waving as Will rows away_):** Bon voyage! Goodbye! Don't forget to write! Send a postcard! Tell Laura I love her! Bring back souvenirs!

**Pintel:** Okay, Ragetti, we get it. _(Ragetti laughs)_ What's so funny?

**Ragetti:** Knock knock.

**Pintel:** What…does that have to do with anything…?

**Ragetti:** It's called a knock-knock joke, Brain. They're funny! Say "who's there?".

**Pintel:** But I _don't_ know who's there.

**Ragetti:** Poit. You have no sense of humor at all, Brain.

**Pintel:** Of course I do. I have my own knock-knock joke right here.

**Ragetti:** _Narf!_ Let's hear it!

**Pintel:** _Knock knock! (bops Ragetti on the head twice)_ Stop being stupid. _(walks off)_

**Ragetti:** But it can't be avoided. You know that.

**Jack (_to crew_):** Douse the lamps.

_(Marty, then Cotton, and finally Pintel and Ragetti douse lamps; in last case, Ragetti falls into flame and runs out screaming)_

**Crew (_to Ragetti_):** _Shhh!!!_

**Ragetti:** _I'm on fire!_

**Anamaria (_looking out towards scuttled ship_):** _Sheesh_. Can't a gal watch this kid get screwed over in _peace_?

**Ragetti:** My bad. _(is still on fire, but is quiet about it; rain douses it out, luckily)_

_(Will goes aboard the scuttled ship, lantern in hand; he passes a dead crewman at the deck level, propped up behind net-like rigging; he then comes upon a wounded sailor who seems to be in shock, pulling on a pulley desperately and muttering to himself)_

**Wounded sailor:** …bring up the…

**Will:** Sailor!

**Wounded sailor:** …the stench…capsized…

**Will:** Sailor!

**Wounded sailor:** …bring a…

**Will:** Sailor! _(Sailor pauses, frightened, and looks at Will)(Will points down)_ You know your shoes are untied, right?

**Wounded sailor:** No! Beneath us! Foul breath!

**Will:** He who smelt it, dealt it, bro. I'm afraid you have no one to blame but yourself for that one. _(suddenly, behind Will, a crewmember's body falls and splashes into water, then swims a few strokes back onto the deck; Will goes to investigate)_ Hey! Hey! _(Will turns the man's body over to see his face, but then sees no face, instead just a puckered piece of skin that bulges outward)_ Oh my god! My ex-girlfriend is here! And she's giving her trademark hickies to _everyone_! Unless…oh, wait.

_(At that instant, he sees the REAL Flying Dutchman rise from the sea near the scuttled ship)_

**Will:** Oh _snap._

_(the sea-like crewmen emerge from the surfaces of the Dutchman and attack the remaining crew of the scuttled ship)_

**Clanker (_to Will_):** Down on your marrowbones and pray!

**Will:** Oh _double_ snap. _(he engages in a swordfight with several crewmen, dipping his sword in oil, causing it to flame; he waves it at the men surrounding him)_ Get back! Get back! _(he slices open the stomach of one crewmen, which causes fish to spill out onto the deck; he continues to battle until one of them knocks Will unconscious; and they laugh in unison)_


	15. Davy Jones

**Adapted from the screenplay by Ted Elliott & Terry Rossio**

_(The prisoners of the scuttled ship cower in fear and are lined up in a row along the railing; Will is at the end of the line on the right; Davy Jones, a dark-spotted dog with a peg right leg, a crab claw for a left hand, a left paw with a tentacled finger, and an octopus-like face, scurries aboard and shakes himself off as dogs do)_

**Maccus (_to Davy_):** Five men still alive. The rest have moved on.

_(Davy nods and uses his tentacles to smoke a pipe)_

**Davy:** Do you fear death? _(blows smoke out through one of his tentacles, which blows out his lighter)_ Do you fear that dark abyss? All your deeds laid bare. All your sins punished. _(sneezes)_

**Will:** Gsesundheit!

**Davy (_to Will_):** Thank you, def-definitely thank you. Definitely. _(returns to cowering crewman)_ I can offer you an escape. I can. I definitely can. Definitely.

**Chaplain:** _Don't listen to him! He's a dog! He's not supposed to be able to talk!_

_(his hands shake, holding a rosary)_

_(Davy walks over to the chaplain and takes his head in his claw)_

**Chaplain (_in fear_):** _And dogs aren't supposed to have hands, legs, and faces like yours!_

**Davy:** Do you _not_ fear death? _(puffs his pipe)_

**Chaplain:** I'll take my chances, sir.

**Davy:** Okay. _(sweetly, to his crew)_ To the depths. Def-definitely to the depths. Definitely.

_(the chaplain's throat is cut, and two crewmen throw his body overboard; Davy laughs)_

**Scuttled ship crewman:** _Cold-blooded--!_

**Davy:** Life is cruel. Definitely cruel. _(lifts paw, and taps pipe on it)_ Why should the afterlife be any _different_? I offer you a choice. Join my crew, definitely join it, and postpone the judgment. One hundred years before the mast. Will ye serve?

**Helmsman:** I—I will serve.

**Davy:** Grand. Definitely grand. Definitely. _(he and his crew laugh, and Davy looks pleased until he sees Will at the end of the line; he stomps on over to Will)_

**Davy:** _You_ are neither dead nor dying!

**Will:** Yeah, lucky me. _(low-key) _Woot!

**Davy:** What is your purpose here?

**Will (_to himself_):** Oh _triple_ snap. I am _so_ screwed.

**Davy:** What is your purpose here? Definitely tell me, what's your purpose here?

**Will (_quickly_):** Jack Sparrow sent me to settle his debt.

**Davy (_confused_):** What is your purpose here?

**Will:** Jack Sparrow…sent me to settle his debt.

**Davy:** Huh!

**Will:** Huh.

**Davy:** Did he now?

**Will (_inexplicably, in a southern accent_):** He did, he did!

**Davy:** I'm sorely tempted—def-definitely sorely tempted to accept that offer. _(through a spyglass, Jack turns to see Davy turn to look directly at him)_

_(now aboard Black Pearl, Davy and his crew have teleported, and Cotton and Gibbs have knives to their throats)_

**Jack:** Oh…uh…what up?

**Davy:** The sky. Definitely the sky is, is up.

**Jack:** How ya doin', Davizzle?

**Davy:** You have a debt to pay.

**Jack:** Whoa, whoa, whoa, this isn't about me, this is about _you_.

**Davy:** No, it's about you, definitely about you! You've been captain of the _Black Pearl_ for thirteen years! _That_ was our agreement.

**Jack:** Technically, I was only captain for two years, then I was viciously mutinied upon.

**Davy (_sincerely_):** _What?!_ I'm so sorry to hear that! Definitely sorry! I'll come back in eleven years, okay? Definitely, definitely eleven years. I will! I will! I definitely will! I'm sorry I—_(one of Davy's crew bops him on the head)_ Oh. Right. Then you were a poor captain, but a _captain_ nonetheless! Definitely a poor captain! Haven't you introduced yourself all these years as _Captain_ Jack Sparrow? _(he and his crew laugh)_

**Jack:** Yeah, but that's like putting "The Honorable" before a judge's name…it doesn't mean a damn thing. Besides, you _have_ my payment. One soul to serve on your ship is already over there.

**Davy:** One soul is not equal to another. Definitely not equal. Definitely.

**Jack:** A-ha! So we've established my proposal is sound in principle, now we're just haggling over price.

**Davy:** Price? _Pttt!_

**Jack:** Just how many souls do you think my soul is worth?

**Davy:** One hundred souls, three days.

**Jack (_gives two thumbs up, in Kazakhstani accent)_:** That's _niiiice_! You're a diamond, mate. Send me back the boy, I'll get started right off, yeah?

**Davy:** I keep the boy. Definitely keep the boy. A good-faith payment. That leaves you only ninety-nine more to go. _(he and his crew laugh)_

**Jack:** Have you not met Will Turner? He's noble, heroic, _terrific_ soprano. Worth at least four…maybe three and a half. And did I happen to mention…he's in love. With a girl. Due to be married. Betrothed. _Intended_. _Affianced_. _(begins to slowly circle Davy)_ Dividing him from her and her from him…would be only half as cruel as actually allowing them to be joined in holy matrimony. Aye?

**Davy (_after contemplating his past, almost teary-eyed_):** I keep the boy. Ninety-nine souls. But I wonder, Sparrow, I definitely wonder, can you live with this, definitely live with this? Can you condemn an innocent man—a friend, a definitely a fiend—to a lifetime of servitude, in your name while you roam free?

**Jack (_cheerfully, after thoughtful pause_):** Yep! I'm good with it. Shall we seal it in blood? I mean, um, ink?

_(Davy grabs Jack's hand with his tentacled paw, resulting in a squishy sound)_

**Jack:** Ouchies!

**Davy:** Three days. _(withdraws his paw)_ Def-definitely three days.

_(Pintel whimpers, and one of Davy's knife-wielding crewmen leaves him; Jack looks at his hand to find it covered with slime, but in that slime the black spot disappears)_

**Jack:** Oh, Mr. Gibbs.

**Gibbs:** Aye.

**Jack:** Uh, I feel sullied and unusual.

**Gibbs:** You mean like after you saw _Gigli_?

**Jack:** Exactly. Sure. Just not nearly as bad.

**Gibbs:** Well, Captain, how do you intend to harvest these ninety-nine souls in three days?

**Jack:** Fortunately, he was mum as to the condition in which these souls need be.

**Gibbs:** Ah…Tortuga!

**Jack (_wiping slime from his hand on Gibbs's shirt_):** That, or Hollywood. But since Tortuga is closer, we're going there! Tortuga…


	16. The Ghost And Norrington

**Adapted from the screenplay by Ted Elliott & Terry Rossio**

_(Inside cabin aboard Edinburgh Trader, Bellamy is throwing documents down on table)_

**Bellamy:** It's an outrage. Port tariffs, berthing fees, _wharf_ handling, and heaven help us, pilotage. Not only that, no one's even found our naked stowaway friend yet! _I need somethin' to ogle over when my wife's not lookin'!_ _I have a chance, and I want to use it! _Sorry, back to business… Are we all to work for the East India Trading Company, then?

**Quartermaster:** I'm afraid, sir…Tortuga is the only free port left in these waters.

**Bellamy:** A _pirate_ port is what you mean. Well I'm sorry. An honest sailor is what I am. If I want to see a woman naked, I want one who took her clothes off by choice without me having to spend money for it…I don't want a wench, I want the damn stowaway! I make my living fair, and I sleep well each night, thank you, even if it does hurt a little to not have ogled someone beforehand.

_(Elizabeth's dress floats by the cabin behind Bellamy)_

**Bursar (_pointing in fear_):** S-s-s-sir!

**Bellamy (_quickly turning around_):** Is she there? Did you see her?! I want to see her!

_(they all rush to the window and look outside; the dress floats by again, and one of them gasps; they go outside, and find the dress floating like a ghost, its left arm raised as if pointing)_

**Quartermaster:** So there is a ghost…

**Bursar:** …There is no stowaway…

**Bellamy:** Which means there's no naked woman running around on this ship!

**Quartermaster (_coughing to hide his words_):** That you know of.

**Bellamy (_unaware of Quartermaster's cover-up_):** _Damn it!_

**Bursar:** I think she wants you to… do something.

**Bellamy:** She's tryna give a sign.

**Quartermaster (_to ghost_):** Hey baby, what's your sign?

_(Elizabeth flips them off from above on the mast, then makes the dress sweep over a lantern, knocking it over and causing part of the deck to ignite)_

**Bellamy:** Over there! Look for a sign!

_(the crew rush over to the railing and look out at the sea; Elizabeth sighs in exasperation)_

**Quartermaster:** Look! There it is! There's her sign!

**Bursar:** That's seaweed.

**Quartermaster:** No, not the seaweed, the water! She's an Aquarius!

**Bellamy:** She's a ghost, nitwit. You can't date her.

**Quartermaster:** Nothing's impossible, sir. We can make our love _work_, and—

**Elizabeth (_having stepped down from the mast_):** What's that over there?

_(the men at the railing run over towards her and where she is pointing; the fire burning on the deck spells out "SEXIST BASTARDS!!!")_

**Bellamy:** Oh my God…

**Bursar:** This spirit is a feminist…_(looks at Bellamy)_ sir, maybe you shouldn't talk so much about wanting to ogle naked stowaways…even _if_ they don't exist.

**Bellamy (_looking around, frightened_):** I—I—I didn't do it! I said no such thing! That's—those are _lies_! I—

**Elizabeth (_to others, in clearly feminine voice_):** Can we go to Tortuga?

**Quartermaster:** The Captain has already decided against it. Pirates, you know.

**Bellamy:** Sorry, missy, I—_wait a minute!_ You're a _girl_!

**Elizabeth:** You noticed.

**Bellamy _(perversely reaching for her_):** As a matter of fact, I—_(is stopped when Quartermaster and Bursar grab his arms)_

**Quartermaster (_angry _whisper): **Sir, she's not even _human_! She's a '_toon_! And a child, no less!

**Bellamy (_taking this new information in_):** Oh. _Oh._ Oh…I mean…why did you stow on board my ship?

**Elizabeth (_shrugs_):** Oh, you know. Kicks and giggles. _(awkward pause)_ Sorry, that was only half of it. Look, I've got, like, a _fiancé_ I need to find, and he's like, in Tortuga, so if we could go there, like, right now, that would be, like, awesome. Are you, like, cool with that?

**Bellamy (_sighs_):** I guess so. What's in it for me?

**Elizabeth:** Not a damn thing.

**Bellamy:** Then why are we goin' in the first place?

**Elizabeth:** Because I said so.

**Bellamy:** What gives you the authority?

**Elizabeth:** I'm the _woman._ _(pause)_

**Bursar (_to Bellamy_):** That's true.

**Quartermaster (_to Bellamy_):** She's right.

**Bellamy:** Bah, okay, okay! We're going to Tortuga.

**Elizabeth:** _YAY!_

_(cut to Tortuga; we see men tied up with ropes alongside a well, and a man tied up and being dunked inside the well, water spouting from his mouth; inside a crowded tavern, glass bottles are being shot off peoples' heads for entertainment, and a duo of musicians are playing guitar and accordion; the one in the accordion, named Al, is wearing a Hawaiian shirt and has long hair, and has a hamster pal sitting next to him, dancing to the music)_

**Al (_singing, playing music_):** _OH!_ Harvey, Harvey, Harvey the Wonder Hamster! He doesn't bite, and he doesn't squeal, he just runs around on his hamster wheel! Harvey, Harvey, Harvey the Wonder Hamster! _Hey Harvey! (cheers from audience)_ Thank you, thank you, you're too kind…

**Gibbs:** And what makes you think you're worthy to crew the _Black Pearl_?

**Elderly man:** Truth be told, I never sailed a day in me life. I figure I should get out and see the world while I'm still young.

**Gibbs:** You'll do. Make your mark. Next!

**Jilted man:** My wife ran off with my dog. And I'm drunk for a month. And I don't give a ass rat's if I live or die.

**Gibbs:** Perfect! Next!

**One-armed man:** Me have one arm , 'n' and a bum leg.

**Gibbs:** It's the crow's nest for you.

_(Jack is sitting alongside a wall, within earshot of Gibbs's table, trying to make his compass work)_

**Jack:** I know what I want.

**Gibbs:** Next!

**Romantic man:** Ever since I was a little lad, I've always wanted to sail the seas. Forever.

**Gibbs:** Sooner than you think. Sign the roster.

**Romantic man:** Thanks very much.

**Jack:** How we going?

**Gibbs:** Including those four? That gives us…_four_! _(to next candidate in line)_ And what's _your_ story?

**Norrington:** My story…it's exactly the same as your story, just one chapter behind. I chased a 'toon across the Seven Seas. The pursuit cost me my crew, my commission, and my life. _(takes a drink from the bottle on the table)_

**Gibbs:** Commodore?

**Norrington:** No, not anymore, weren't you _listening_? I nearly had you all, off Tripoli. I would have, if not for the…hurricane.

**Gibbs:** Lord. You didn't try to sail through it?

**Norrington (_angry grin_):** Oh, you _know_ I did. So do I make your crew, or not? You haven't said where you're going. Somewhere _nice_! _(throws the table over in anger, a woman screams)_

**Gibbs (_trying to cover up their true destination_):** Hawaii! We're going to Hawaii! That's nice, isn't it?!

_(Jack grabs a branch from a vase, carries it in front of his face, and tries to walk out unseen)_

**Norrington:** So am I _worthy_ to serve under Captain Jack Sparrow? _(spots Jack, aims pistol at him)_ Or should I just kill you now?

_(Jack ducks back and forth between both sides of a large post, while Norrington continues to point his pistol at him)_

**Jack:** Hmm…after much thought and consideration, I choose the option where I _don't_ die. _(nods, smiles)_ You're hired.

**Norrington:** Sorry. Old habits and all that. _(he attempts to shoot Jack, but unidentified men grab Norrington and shout "Easy, sonny!" and "That's our Captain you're threatening!"; the pistol fires upwards, and the ball ricochets off the chandelier, breaking a man's bottle as he's drinking it, causing him to slug a man next to him, and the music starts up again as a brawl is ignited among those in the bar; one man swings from the chandelier, women fight, bottles are thrown against the wall)_

**Jack:** Time to go?

**Gibbs:** Aye!

**Al (_singing throughout fight, playing accordion_):** Well my baby, my baby, she don't want me no more / Ever since she saw his poster in that record store…

_(A swordfight is going on; someone throws their bottle against the wall above the stairs; Jack ducks as it smashes above his head)_

**Al:** She says the way he grinds his molars is really sexy / She thinks he's so darn dysfunctional and Generation X-y…

_(Jack and Gibbs make their way upstairs, Jack trading his hats a few times along the way)_

**Al: **She likes his brooding angst and his wild-eyed stare / Yeah, he's her very favorite slacker multi-millionaire…

**Jack (_to a man sitting on the edge of the balcony_): **Thanks, mate. _(Jack slaps him, and the man falls backwards off the balcony)_

**Al (_singing the chorus_):** Well my baby's in love with Eddie Vedder / She's all crazy about that Eddie Vedder / Once she was mine but now I better just forget her / 'Cause my baby's in love with Eddie Vedder!

_(Jack halts to let two men carrying another men proceed towards the edge of the balcony)_

**Jack:** Carry on! _(one of the men shouts "Heave!" and they throw the carried man off the balcony)_

**Al (_starting second chorus_):** Now, every time I see him, well he looks so grim / I guess it really must suck to be a rock star like him…

_(someone smashes his accordion, and the music stops abruptly)_

**Al:** _HEY!_

**Norrington (_threateningly holding a bottle in his left hand_):** Come on, men! Who wants some? Form an orderly line, I'll have you all one by one. Come on, who's first?

**Man In Bar (_to Norrington_):** Dude, are you gay? 'Cause, I mean, taken in the wrong context…that just sounds _wrong_…

**Norrington (_to Man In Bar_):** That's it! _You're_ first!

**Man In Bar:** Crap.

_(from behind, Elizabeth grabs the bottle from Norrington and smashes it over his head, knocking him out)_

**Elizabeth:** I just wanted the pleasure of doing that myself!

_(the crowd cheers, and everyone makes a toast)_

**Al (_crying, holding a beer mug, and toasting with Harvey, who's holding a hamster-sized beer mug)_:** To our accordion! _(Harvey squeaks in agreement)_ And to the future in music we could've had with it! _(breaks down into tears)_

_(outside, men throw Norrington into the mud with some pigs, and the crowd leaves him, except Elizabeth, who turns him over onto his back)_

**Elizabeth:** James Norrington. _(sighs)_ What has the world done to you?

_(Mercer observes Elizabeth and Norrington from the doorway of the tavern)_


	17. Reunited

**Adapted from the screenplay by Ted Elliott & Terry Rossio**

_(While Davy is inside the Flying Dutchman, playing the organ HORRIBLY out of tune with his tentacles, the crew is on deck, slaving away, rhythmically pulling a rope)_

**Crew:** Heave! Heave! Heave! Heave! Heave! Heave!

**Jimmylegs:** Secure the mast tackle, Mr. Turner! Step to it!

_(Both Bootstrap and Will independently run to the mast tackle, unaware that they share the same name)_

**Will:** Step aside!

**Bootstrap:** Regain yourself!

**Will:** Back!

**Bootstrap:** Let go, boy! _(Bootstrap sees the other man at the rope is his son, and gasps and stares at him, stunned) No!_

**Will:** What? Do I have a boogie? _(Picks his nose)_

_(Bootstrap lets go of the rope, and Will attempts to grab the sliding rope; the cannon's rope3 drags him along the deck, until the hoisted cannon crashes to the deck, and the organ music, thankfully, stops)_

**Jimmylegs:** Haul that weevil to his feet! _(The crew does that)_

**Will:** _Who are you calling a weevil?_

**Jimmylegs:** _YOU!_

**Will:** Oh.

**Jimmylegs:** Five lashes to remind you…to stay on 'em!

**Bootstrap:** _No!_

**Jimmylegs:** Impeding me in my duties. You'll share the punishment.

**Bootstrap:** I'll take it all.

**Davy:** Will you now? And what would prompt such an act of charity? Huh? I want to know. I definitely want to know, definitely.

**Bootstrap:** My son. He's my son. _(Everyone looks at Will; Davy looks back and forth between Will and Bootstrap)_

**Davy (_laughs_):** What fortuitous circumstance be this? Five lashes be owed. Definitely five lashes. Definitely. _(he gives the whip to Bootstrap, carrying it in his mouth, as dogs do)_

**Bootstrap:** No. No, I won't!

**Davy:** The cat's out of the bag, Mr. Turner! It's definitely, definitely out of the bag!

**Bootstrap:** So why aren't you chasing it?

**Davy:** Chasing what?

**Bootstrap:** The cat.

**Davy (_looking around feverishly_):** _Cat?_ _Cat! Cat, where's the cat? Let me at 'im! (growls) Come out, cat! Show yourself! (Jimmylegs whispers into Davy's ear) _Oh, you mean it's just an expression? Phooey, definitely phooey. _(to Bootstrap)_ Your issue will feel its sting be it the Bo'sun's hand, or your own.

**Bootstrap: **_No._

**Davy:** _Bo'sun!_

**Bootstrap:** _No! (he reluctantly takes the whip, and two crewmen tear Will's shirt off, revealing his bare back)_

**Will:** _Awww_, that was my best shirt! _(is whipped once)_ _Ouch! HELP! A giant bee just attacked me—(is whipped again) OW! It's back! Make it go away! Get your bug spray, fast, before it—(is whipped again) OOOOOOH! (in Italian accent) Mamma mia, that's a-spicy meat-a-ball! (is whipped again) OWIE! Call the National Guard! Have them shoot it! (is whipped a final time) AHHHH! It's like I'm watching The Dukes of Hazzard movie all over again!_

_(Will is tossed to a lower part of the deck, partially filled with water; he stands up, wearing an intact white shirt)_

**Jimmylegs:** You had it easy, boy!

**Bootstrap (_trying to help Will up_):** William!

**Will:** Do you have any candy, sir?

**Bootstrap:** The Bo'sun prides himself on cleaving flesh from bone. With everything.

**Will:** Are you _trying_ to make me lose my appetite?

**Bootstrap:** Yes.

_(the two of them enter the interior of the ship together, and crewman Wyvern is seen to their right, encrusted into the interior side of the hull, standing up)_

**Will:** Is there candy in _here_?

**Bootstrap:** One hundred years before the mast, losing your world, bit by bit. Until you end up...end up like poor Wyvern here. Once you've sworn an oath to the _Dutchman_, there's no leaving. Not until your debt is paid.

**Will:** Wouldn't it be easier to just give Jones a couple chew toys rather than several innocent souls?

**Bootstrap:** Only in theory.

**Will:** Well, then, I guess I'm lucky that I didn't swear any oath, huh?

**Bootstrap:** Then you must get away.

**Will:** Not until I find this. The key. _(shows the cloth to Bootstrap)_ By the way, do you know if there are any good doughnut shops around here?

_(suddenly, Wyvern's eyes open in the coral-encrusted wall at the mention of the key; he breaks his head away from the wall, leaving his brains behind)_

**Wyvern:** The dead man's chest.

**Will:** What the hell kind of name for a doughnut shop is _that_?

**Bootstrap:** It's not a doughnut shop, son.

**Wyvern:** Open the chest with the key, and stab the heart.

**Will:** Um…okay. Sure.

**Wyvern:** _No-no-no-no! Don't_ stab the heart.

**Will:** Jeez, make up your mind.

**Wyvern:** The _Dutchman_ needs a living heart, or there'll be no captain. And if there's no captain, there's no one to have the key.

**Will:** So the captain has the key. _(Wyvern retracts his head back into the wall, having said too much)_ Where _is_ the key?

**Wyvern:** Hidden.

**Will:** Where is the chest?

**Wyvern: **Hidden. _(he closes his eyes and falls silent; Will turns to Bootstrap)_

**Will:** Why's everyone got to be so darn ambiguous?


	18. Elizabeth And Norrington Join The Crew

**Adapted from the screenplay by Ted Elliott & Terry Rossio**

_(The Black Pearl is at a dock, loading fruits and livestock; Jack and Gibbs are walking together, while Elizabeth approaches from behind, still dressed as a man)_

**Elizabeth:** Captain Sparrow!

**Jack:** Come to join me crew, lad? Welcome aboard.

**Elizabeth:** I'm here to find the man I love.

**Jack:** I'm deeply flattered son—really, I am—but my first and only love is the sea.

_(Norrington vomits over the side)_

**Elizabeth:** Meaning William Turner, Captain Sparrow.

**Jack (_turns around_):** Elizabeth. _(aside, to Gibbs)_ Hide the rum. _(Gibbs takes the bottle that Jack hands to him, and drinks from it)_ Hey, what are you _doing_?!

**Gibbs:** I'm hiding the rum, just like you said.

**Jack:** You'll look for any excuse to get drunk, won't you?

**Gibbs (_nods_):** I'm a pirate.

**Jack:** Hooray for team spirit. _(returns to Elizabeth)_ You know, these clothes do not flatter you at all. It should be a dress or nothing. I happen to have no dress in my cabin.

**Elizabeth (_to herself_):** Sexist bastards… _(to Jack) _Jack. I know Will came to find you. Where is he?

**Jack:** Darling, I am truly unhappy to have to tell you this but…through an unfortunate and _entirely_ unforeseeable series of circumstances that have _nothing_ whatsoever to do with me, poor William has been press-ganged into Davy Jones' crew.

**Elizabeth:** Bummer.

**Jack:** Yeah.

**Elizabeth:** But he's still bringing back doughnuts, right?

**Jack:** I don't see how spending an eternity serving the captain of the _Flying Dutchman_ could _ever_ put a stop to that plan…. _(Norrington vomits and spits over the side; to Norrington)_ You look bloody awful. What are you doing here?

**Norrington:** You _hired_ me. I can't help it if your standards are lax.

**Jack:** Just because our onboard restaurant has an F rating doesn't mean our food isn't quality.

**Norrington:** Oh, yes, it does.

**Elizabeth:** Since when does the _Black Pearl_ have an onboard restaurant?

**Jack:** Since now. _(turns, shouts to crew) Quick, everyone! Build an onboard restaurant!_

_(crew immediately gets to work on it)_

**Elizabeth:** Look. All I want is to find Will.

**Jack:** Are you certain? Is that _really_ what you want most?

**Elizabeth:** Well, I _do_ really want to go to a Pokemon Gameboy convention, but—

**Jack:** Because I would think, you'd want to find a way to _save_ Will the most.

**Elizabeth:** And you have a way of doing that?

**Jack:** Well, there is a chest…

**Norrington:** Oh dear.

**Jack:** A chest of unknown size and origin…

**Elizabeth:** You aren't referring to some girl's knockers, are you? 'Cause I've seen nothing but sexism this _whole_ trip.

_(Pintel and Ragetti are walking by, carrying a miniature crate of miniature bottles and overhearing the conversation)_

**Pintel:** Let me explain. _(stops, hands crate to Ragetti, who stumbles and screams, collapsing under the weight of the crate)_ The chest contains the still-beating heart of Davy Jones.

**Jack:** And whoever possesses the chest possesses the leverage to command Jones to do whatever it is he or she wants, including…saving brave William from his grim fate.

**Norrington:** You don't actually believe him, do you?

**Elizabeth:** How do we find it?

**Jack:** With this. _(reaches into pocket, thinks he's pulling out compass, actually pulls out his copy of Playboy magazine, which Elizabeth sees and grumbles at)_ My compass is…

**Elizabeth:** That's not a compass, you idiot.

**Jack:** Huh? _(sees Playboy magazine in his hands)_ Oops. Uh…

**Norrington:** I'll take that. _(extends hand to take magazine)_

**Jack:** Okay. _(Norrington takes magazine, examines centerfold quickly, grins, then puts magazine in coat pocket and clears throat to feign innocence)_

**Elizabeth (_to herself_):** Sexist _bastards_!

**Jack:** _Here's_ my compass. _(having found it, showing it to Elizabeth)_ My compass, as you know, is unique.

**Norrington:** "Unique" here having the meaning of broken.

**Jack:** True enough. This compass does not point north. _(Norrington vomits over the side)_

**Elizabeth:** Where does it point?

**Jack:** It points to the thing you want most in this world.

**Elizabeth (_happy gasp_):** Oh, Jack! Are you telling the truth?

**Jack:** Every word, love. And what you want most in this world is to find the chest of Davy Jones, is it not?

**Elizabeth:** To save Will?

**Jack:** By finding the chest of Davy Jones. _(he hands the compass to Elizabeth, then draws away quickly so as not to influence it; she consults the compass, and it clearly points in a specific direction; Jack slowly rises up to peer at the face of the compass)_

**Jack:** Mr. Gibbs!

**Gibbs (_after taking a huge gulp of Jack's rum_):** Cap'n.

**Jack:** We have our heading.

**Gibbs: **Finally!Cast off those lines, weigh anchor, and prow that canvas! _(while giving orders, he is distracted, allowing Jack to steal his rum bottle back from Gibbs)_

**Jack (_rum bottle in hand, as Gibbs continues to shout orders_):** Miss Swann.

**Pintel:** Welcome to the crew, former Commodore! _(he and Ragetti climb up Norrington's legs all the way, until they are sitting on his shoulders; a crewman hands Norrington a goat)_

**Ragetti (_excitedly, seeing goat_):** Look, Brain! It's Seabiscuit!

**Pintel:** Seabiscuit was a _horse_, Pinky.

**Norrington (_to himself, sighing_):** This is going to be a _long_ trip…


	19. Price And Dice

**Adapted from the screenplay by Ted Elliott & Terry Rossio**

_(Beckett and Mercer are in headquarters with the Governor, whose hands are in shackles; Mercer is looking through a mounted telescope to outside the window)_

**Beckett:** There's something to knowing the exact shape of the world and one's place in it, don't you agree?

**Governor Swann:** I assure you, these are not necessary, yeah?

**Beckett:** I had brought you here because I thought you'd be interested in the whereabouts of your daughter.

**Governor Swann:** You have news of her, yeah?

**Mercer:** Most recently seen on the island of Tortuga, then left, in the company of a known pirate, Jack Sparrow. _And_ other fugitives from justice.

**Governor Swann:** You mean like anyone who gave this sequel a bad review?

**Mercer:** Exactly. But not them.

**Governor Swann:** Well, my daughter is hardly running from justice, yeah?

**Beckett:** She also ran off with the previous owner of this sword… _(slaps the sword back into its sheath)_ I believe.

**Governor Swann:** It's a sad day when the sword you're holding is longer than you are tall, yeah?

**Beckett:** _I'm not short! (regains composure)_ Our ships are in pursuit, and justice will be dispensed by cannonade and cutlass, _(puts sword into box)_ and all manner of remorseless pieces of metal. I personally find it distasteful to even contemplate the horror facing all those on board.

**Governor Swann (_sighs_):** What do you want from me, yeah?

**Beckett:** Your authority as Governor, your influence in London, and your loyalty to the East India Trading Company.

**Governor Swann:** My height, you mean, yeah?

**Beckett:** _I'M NOT SHORT! (regains composure)_ Shall I remove these shackles?

**Governor Swann:** Do what you can for my daughter, yeah? _(shackles are removed)_

**Beckett:** So you see, Mercer, every man has a price he will willingly accept. Even for what he hopes never to sell.

_(onboard Flying Dutchman, Maccus, Koleniko, & Clanker are playing Liar's Dice; organ music is heard in the background)_

**Maccus:** I wager…ten years.

**Koleniko:** I'll match ten years.

**Clanker:** Agreed.

**Bootstrap (_to Will_):** Wondering how it's played.

**Will:** I understand. _(in background, Maccus calls someone a "LIAR!")_ It's a game of deception. Your bet includes all the dice, not just your own. What are they wagering?

**Bootstrap:** Well, the only thing we have: years of service.

**Will:** So any crewman can be challenged?

**Bootstrap:** Aye. Anyone.

**Will:** I challenge Davy Jones… _(immediately organ music ceases, and Davy's peg leg is heard thumping in approach; with each thump, gooseneck barnacles retract; Clanker laughs)_

**Davy:** I accept that. I definitely, definitely accept that.

**Will (_frightened, looking around_):** Um…listen, dudes…you never let me finish my sentence…

**Bootstrap:** It was silent for like a minute, son! Why didn't you finish it _then_?

**Will:** I wanted to keep everyone in suspense!

**Bootstrap:** Will, did it _look_ like anyone was anticipating your finishing of that sentence?!

**Will:** No…

**Bootstrap (_grabbing Will's shoulders, shaking them_):** _Of course not! Nobody cares what you have to say, don't you GET it?!_

**Will:** This _sucks_…

**Davy:** Finish your sentence, lad. Definitely finish it.

**Will:** I challenge _you_…to a game of Scrabble!

**Davy:** No.

**Will:** Monopoly?

**Davy:** No.

**Will:** Life?

**Davy:** No.

**Will:** _Twister!_

**Davy:** Eh…no.

**Will:** Yahtzee?

**Davy:** Okay. Definitely okay.

_(they sit down, and each player is handed a cup to roll the dice in and a score chart for—you know—keeping score)_

**Davy:** If I win, you give me your soul and serve an eternity on my ship.

**Will (_pause, shrug_):** No big deal.

**Bootstrap:** _No!_

**Will:** But if _I_ win, I want _this_ from you. _(shows Davy the cloth with the picture of the key on it; everyone gasps "The key! Oh my gosh! The key!")_

**Davy:** How do you know of the key? 'Cause you definitely know of the key, and you definitely aren't _supposed_ to know of the key.

**Will:** That's not part of the game. _(smiles)_ Sorry!

**Davy:** Fine. _(uses facial tentacles to pull key out and show it to Will, then puts it back) _Let's do this. Let's definitely do this.

_(Suddenly, Bootstrap sits down between Davy and Will and takes a cup and scorechart)_

**Bootstrap:** I'm in, too.

**Will:** _No!_ You don't the _rules_, Dad!

**Bootstrap:** I can learn.

**Davy:** And what do we get if _you_ win, hmm?

**Bootstrap:** If I win…Will gets the key, just like he wants.

**Will:** Oh Daddy! _Thank you! (they hug)_

_(The crew of the Flying Dutchman, despite being evil and hideously deformed and all that, lets out a collective "Awww…" at the father-son moment)_

**Davy (_to crew_):** Shut up!

_(Will retreats from Bootstrap, covered in slime)_

**Will:** _Eeew_…would it kill you to take a shower, pops?

**Davy:** And if you _lose_, Mr. Turner?

**Bootstrap:** _I_ serve a lifetime on this ship, _not_ Will.

**Will:** Oh Daddy! _Thank you! (he and Bootstrap hug again, crew lets out collective "Awwww…" at the new father-son moment)_

**Davy:** _Stop it!_ We've got a game to play, definitely got a game to play! _(turns to Will—who is now covered in even more slime—and Bootstrap)_ Is everybody ready?

**Will:** Just a second. _(pulls out video camera, points it at himself, turns it on, so the red light is blinking and the screen saws "REC" for "recording)_ Uh, hi, America's Funniest Home Videos? I'm Will Turner, as played by Wakko Warner, and what you're about to see is, I think, like, the funniest thing you'll _ever_ see put to film. This is my Dad _(points camera at Bootstrap, who is picking his nose)_ _Dad!_

**Bootstrap:** What?

**Will (_whispering_):** Stop picking your nose! This is going on national television!

**Bootstrap:** _What?_

**Will:** _I'm recording you!_

**Bootstrap:** _Oh! (waves awkwardly to camera)_ Hi, America!

**Will (_bringing camera's view back to his face_):** That wasn't it, now,. I was just introducing him. _This_ is what I want you to see. _(brings Davy into camera's view)_ This is Davy Jones. He controls the sea, and if I screw up this game of Yahtzee, I'll have to serve an eternity on his ship, which you might already know as the _Flying Dutchman._ _(to Davy)_ Say hi to the camera, Davy!

**Davy (_reluctantly_):** Hi.  
**Will (_to camera_):** _Isn't he HILARIOUS?!_ But watch! The _real_ thing I want you to see is him playing Yahtzee! He's a dog, so he can't do it right! _(laughs; gives camera to Maccus)_ Would you record us, sir?

**Maccus (_taking camera_): **Um…okay.

**Davy:** I'll start. I'll definitely start. _(reaches for cup and tries to pick it up so he can roll dice, but being a dog, he has no opposable thumbs—only a tentacled hand and a crab claw—and the cup just falls over; Will laughs; Davy tries to pick it up in his jaws, but that fails, too; Will laughs again)(pause) I CAN'T DO IT! I CAN'T DO IT! I DEFINITELY CAN'T DO IT! DEFINITELY! (Will laughs a final time)_

**Will:** _WOOOT! I win!_

**Davy:** I _lost_! I definitely _lost_!

**Bootstrap:** Good job, son.

**Will (_taking camera back from Maccus and looking into it_):** There you go, America! The funniest home video _ever_! _Dogs can't play Yahtzee because they don't have opposable thumbs, so I, having opposable thumbs, automatically win by default! WOOOT!_

_(Davy whimpers like a dog and runs back to his cabin; Will turns off camera, still giggling)_

**Bootstrap (_to Will, as crew leaves them_):** You know I'm still serving an eternity on this ship anyway, right, son?

**Will:** Yeah, but now that I know where the key is, I can _steal_ it from Jones, leave this ship, find the chest, stab Jones's heart and free you from his hold on your soul!

**Bootstrap (_teary-eyed_):** Oh son! _Thank you! (they hug again, covering Will in still more slime)_

_(Flying Dutchman crew give off another collective "Awwwww…" at the father-son moment)_


	20. Taking The Key

**Adapted from the screenplay by Ted Elliott & Terry Rossio**

_(It is nighttime, and onboard the Flying Dutchman, Will emerges from a hatch on deck and sneaks past one of the crew, who is sleeping with a bottle in his hand)_

**Bootstrap (_to Greenbeard_):** Captain says I'm to relieve you. _(Greenbeard gives Bootstrap curious look.)_ Captain's orders.

**Greenbeard:** How do I know I can trust you?

**Bootstrap:** You can't.

**Greenbeard:** So be it. _(leaves his post, and Bootstrap takes his place)_

_(down below, in Davy's organ room, Will sneaks into the room, behind Jones, and circles around to the side of Jones; he grabs a nearby dog bone, and uses it to lift one of Jones's tentacles, but one of the tentacles accidentally falls on an organ key, almost walking Davy up; it also sets off a locket on top of the organ, which plays a song that lulls Davy back to sleep; Will holds one of the staves in his mouth while lifting a tentacle, and removes the key, replacing it with the cloth drawing)_

**Will (_to himself, in center of room, examining key_):** I got it. _I got it. _I got the key! _(finding this a cause for celebration, he snaps his fingers and a disco ball comes down, and brilliant lights start flashing as it spins around; "I Will Survive" by Gloria Gaynor starts playing, and Will starts dancing to the music)_

_(The entire crew of the Flying Dutchman, including Bootstrap, suddenly joins Will; all are shaking their groove thing and getting down, but Davy is totally oblivious, remaining completely asleep)_

**Will (_to Bootstrap_):** Look, Daddy! I got the key!

**Bootstrap (_seeing key in Will's hand_):** Good job, son! Now _go_, before they realize what you've done!

**Will (_looking around_):** Um…I think they already have.

**Bootstrap:** No, not the disco! The _key_!

**Will:** Oh. Right.

**Bootstrap:** You should take this, too. _(hands Will a CD: "Pure Disco")_ Something to listen to along the way.

**Will:** But CD players haven't been invented yet. _(Bootstrap reaches behind his back and hands Will a portable CD player and headphones)_ _Daddy!_ Hooray! But…_wait_…wouldn't an mp3 player be more practical? I mean, it—_(Bootstrap pulls out an iPod and headphones and gives them to Will) Daddy! _Hooray! But…_wait_…how can I possibly use it if I don't have a computer? It just doesn't make sense to give me all this if—_(Bootstrap pulls out a MacBook and hands it to Will)_

**Bootstrap: **It has everything in there…iTunes, iPhoto, iMovie, iDVD, GarageBand, iWeb….plus Safari, Internet Explorer, Microsoft Word…_everything_.

**Will:** Even porn?

**Bootstrap:** …Even porn. You can be sure of that, 'cause I checked. _(to himself, quietly)_ And I sure spent a _long_ time checking, too…

_(suddenly, Elizabeth steps in, and the music stops abruptly; Davy is still asleep; everyone looks at her, wondering what to think)_

**Elizabeth (_to audience_):** That's _it!_ I've _had_ it with the sexism in this movie! I've _had_ it!

**Will (_whispering_):** _DOT!_ _You're not supposed to be in this scene!_

**Elizabeth:** _(Censored)_ you, Wakko, I'm in this scene _now. (sees Bootstrap)_ _You!_ Take the porn off that boy's computer _right now_!

**Bootstrap:** But I don't wanna…

**Elizabeth:** You want me to send in Charlie's Angels?

_(everyone in Flying Dutchman crew, plus Will and Bootstrap, exchange glances, before turning back to Elizabeth and nodding and muttering yeses)_

**Will:** That would be hot.

**Elizabeth:** Mm-hmm. I bet it would. What if I sent them in and they _kicked your arse_?

_(exchanging of glances again, muttering to each other)_

**Will:** Frankly, that would be even _hotter_.

**Elizabeth (_getting angrier by the minute_):** How would _you_ feel if girls only saw you as a sex object? _Huh?!_

_(exchanging of glances, muttering to each other again))_

**Will:** We've pretty much come to a consensus that we have no problem with that _at all_.

_(Elizabeth screams at the top of her lungs, punches the camera, cracking the lens, and storms offscreen; amazingly, Davy is still sound asleep; "I Will Survive" resumes playing, and the dancing continues)_

**Will (_studying all the things Bootstrap has given him_):** Daddy, this is all well and good…but what good is bringing all this out to sea, if I don't have a _really long extension cord_?

**Bootstrap:** I'm afraid I can't help you there, son. You'll have to look for one at a store somewhere. _(pause)_ _Oh!_ That reminds me! _(pulls out a knife, hands it to Will)_ If you suddenly get the urge to stab something, like, say, an annoying employee at Circuit City who refuses to let you use the bathroom even though you _really_ have to go...use this.

**Will:** _Or_, I could use this to stab Jones's heart.

**Bootstrap:** That too.

_(awkward silence)_

**Will:** Well, be seeing ya! _(steps outside, dives into longboat, starts rowing away)_

**Bootstrap (_leaning against railing_):** _No!_ Son! _Come back! (reaches out to Will desperately) Give Daddy one more hug!_

**Will: **But if I don't abandon you, all the dramatic tension is gone!

**Bootstrap:** _Screw the dramatic tension!_ I'm your _father_, damn it!

**Will:** Bye, Daddy!

**Bootstrap:** Son, you come back here _right now_ and give me a hug!

**Will (_waving, far away by now_):** I love you, too! _Bye!_

_(Bootstrap grumbles in surrender; he runs back into Davy Jones's organ room, where Davy is still in a deep sleep despite the loud disco music, flashing lights and noisy dancing crewmen)_

**Bootstrap (_to crew_):** Where's the rum? I need to get drunk, and I need to get drunk _fast_.


	21. Persuade Me

**Adapted from the screenplay by Ted Elliott & Terry Rossio**

_(onboard the Black Pearl, men, including Norrington, are scrubbing the deck; when nobody is looking, Norrington pulls out the Playboy he took from Jack and grins looking at the photos inside)_

**Gibbs:** Beckett!

**Elizabeth:** Yes, they're signed, Lord Cutler Beckett of the East India Trading Company.

**Jack:** Agh. _(spits on deck)_ I remember him. Short fellow, right?

**Elizabeth:** Very short, indeed, yes.

**Jack:** I'll bet there's more than one thing about him that's short._(cut to Will on drums: rim shot and cymbal crash; then back to others)_

**Gibbs:** Will was working for Beckett and never said a word.

**Jack:** Agh. _(spits in Gibbs' face)_

**Gibbs (_wiping Jack's spit from his face_):** Beckett wants the compass. Only one reason for that.

**Jack:** Of course. _(turns to Elizabeth) _He's not satisfied, Izzy.

**Elizabeth:** What? No! He wants the _chest_!

**Jack:** Exactly. _(studies her)_ Looking at you, I'm not seeing the _chest_, if you know what I mean.

**Elizabeth (_right in their faces_):** _You sexist BASTARDS._ _(to Jack)_ And you're my _brother_, for Pete's sake!

**Jack:** You're the only woman onboard, and damned if I'm not lonely. _(Director steps up and hands Jack a copy of Penthouse magazine)_ Oh. Thank you.

**Director (_to Jack_):** Incest won't be tolerated in a family film, Yakko.

**Jack:** Forgive me. I was in character way too deep. _(looks at magazine)_ Wait. Incest won't be tolerated, but nudie mags will?

**Elizabeth (_to herself_):** Sexist bastards.

**Director (_to Jack_): **The way I see it, nudity is natural, and anything natural is good for the entire family.

**Jack:** But some of the women in here have, well, _un_natural modifications to their bodies….

**Director:** Yeah, but who cares? They're _naked_!

**Elizabeth:** Sexist bastards.

**Director:** Could you, like, stop saying that already, Dot?

**Elizabeth:** Nope. I'm just gonna keep on saying it _every time_ you objectify women.

**Director:** Then _why_, of all films, did you sign up for _this_ one?

**Elizabeth:** Everyone I know is working on it, that's why!

**Jack:** I haven't seen the Hip Hippos anywhere, sis.

**Elizabeth:** They're signed on to appear in _At World's End_.

**Jack:** _Sweet..._.

**Director:** Speaking of which, we have to finish _this_ film before we can make _that_ one! Everyone get back to your places! And…_action_!

**Gibbs:** If the company controls the chest, they controls the sea.

**Jack:** A truly discomforting notion, love.

**Gibbs:** And bad. Bad for every mother's son what calls himself a pirate. I think there's a bit more speed to be coaxed from these sails. Brace the foreyard! _(runs off)_

**Jack (_to Elizabeth_):** Might I inquire as to how you came by these?

**Elizabeth:** Persuasion.

**Jack:** Friendly?

**Elizabeth:** Decidedly not.

**Jack:** Will strikes a deal for these and upholds it with honor. Yet you're the one standing here with the prize. Full pardon, commission as a privateer on behalf of England and the East India Trading Company. As if I could be bought for such a low price. _(tucks letters into his coat and begins to walk away)_

**Elizabeth:** Jack., the Letters, give them back!

**Jack:** No. Persuade me.

_(Elizabeth kicks him the groin)_

**Jack:** Have you forgotten? I'm wearing a cup!

_(Quickly, Elizabeth pulls out a mallet and is about to whack Jack on the head with it, but seconds before, he has put on a helmet, and when the mallet hits his head, it doesn't affect him at all)_

**Jack:** Too slow! _(sticks out tongue, mocking her)_

_(Elizabeth thinks quickly and, in a matter of seconds, zooms around Jack cartoonishly, and when she's done, he is tightly wrapped in a several layers of dynamite and cannot move his limbs to remove them; she tosses him into the sea, turns back, and covers ears during explosion)_

**Elizabeth (_after explosion_):** _Yes! Yes! Woooo! Yeah! Yee-haa!_

**Jack: **What are _you_ so excited about?

**Elizabeth (_unaware of the circumstances_):** I just blew up Captain Jack Sparrow!

**Jack:** Nice. I hated that guy.

**Elizabeth: **Me too. You know, he was one sexist—

**Jack:** Bastard, right? Yeah, I know!

**Elizabeth:** Oh my gosh! You _totally_ got it!

**Jack:** Cool.

**Elizabeth (_offering to shake his hand_):** I'm Elizabeth Swann.

**Jack (_shaking her hand_):** Nice to meet you. I'm Captain Jack Sparrow.

**Elizabeth (_screaming_):** _OH MY (CENSORED)ING GOD!!! (runs—practically flies and explodes like a rocket—away screaming)_

**Jack:** Wait! Come back! Persuade me! _(she doesn't return)_Fine. _(sits down and pulls out Gameboy Advance)_ All right! _Pikachu_!

_(at the other end of the ship, Elizabeth faints and calms down next to Norrington)_

**Norrington:** What happened to _you_?

**Elizabeth:** Jack's a _zombie_!

**Norrington:** Don't tell me you've forgotten that you're _cartoons_?

**Elizabeth:** Oh snap. _(runs back over to Jack)_ _You!_ Give me those letters right _now_!

**Jack:** Later. I'm trying to catch Rayquaza.

_(Elizabeth pulls out chainsaw and turns it on)_

**Elizabeth:** _Now._

**Jack:** Rayquaza, Rayquaza, Rayquaza…

_(Elizabeth slowly walks toward him, steadily lowering the chainsaw as she gets closer to him)_

**Jack (_singing casually_):** _I'm walking on sunshine, whoa-oh…I'm walking on sunshine…_

_(Elizabeth brings the chainsaw down even further, mere inches from his face)_

**Jack: **_And don't it feel good!_ _(having caught Rayquaza, he smiles, saves the game, turns the Gameboy Advance off, and outs it away; then he turns to see the chainsaw in his face)_ Can I help you?

**Elizabeth:** Give me the letters, or I'll cut your head off.

**Jack:** Wouldn't that hurt?

**Elizabeth:** _Yes!_ That's the whole _point_!

**Gibbs:** You wouldn't cut off Jack's head.

_(Elizabeth and Jack look up to see the whole crew looking at them, sleeves rolled up, ready to beat up Elizabeth should she be foolish enough to hurt Jack)_

**Anamaria:** We won't allow it.

**Marty:** We won't stand for it.

**Ragetti:** And if you _do_ do it… _(to Pintel) _Ha ha! I said doodoo, Brain!

**Pintel:** Yeah, Pinky, _that's_ admirable…_(to Elizabeth)_ If you _do_ hurt him, we won't hesitate to hurt you _back_.

**Ragetti:** …Well…_I_ will, Brain…

**Pintel:** Just shut up and look threatening.

_(Cotton mimes hanging Elizabeth)_

**Bobby (_looking at Cotton_):** Yeah, that's what we'll do. Don't _(censored)_ wit _us_.

_(Cotton continues to mime what they'll do: he mimes taking the chainsaw and tearing Elizabeth apart and eating her remains)_

**Pesto:** _Hey hey HEY!_ What's up wit dis guy?! We ain't cannibals! We _escaped_ from cannibals!

_(Cotton then mimes pulling out a machine gun and shooting everyone with it)_

**Squit:** Am I the only one who's a little bit…um…_scared_ now?

**Pesto:** I hate to admit it, but no.

**Bobby:** We got us a crazy person over 'ere!

**Gibbs:** Cotton, have you been drinking? _(Cotton shakes his head)_ Okay. Okay. _(Gibbs nods to crewmen, and they take Cotton away)_ Don't worry, this is only until you regain your sanity…or…when you die…whichever comes first!

**Jack:** So are any of you going to save me, or what?

**Elizabeth:** No need. _(throws chainsaw away, but it's still turned on, and we hear an offscreen man screaming in agony)_ I'm sorry.

**Jack:** All is forgiven. _(the crew return to their places)_

**Elizabeth:** _Now give me the letters already!_

**Jack:** No. Persuade me. _(walks away)_

**Elizabeth:** You do know Will taught me how to handle a sword.

**Jack:** Bitch, you just threatened me with a _chainsaw_. Why should a _sword_ bother me?

_(Frustrated, Elizabeth walks away and leans against the ships railing while Jack makes an odd grunting noise)_

**Gibbs:** What was that noise, Jack?

**Jack:** I ate a toe on Pelegosto, and I think it's getting to me. That, or it's love.

_(Norrington walks up to Elizabeth at the railing)_

**Norrington:** It's a curious thing. There was a time when I would've given anything for you to look like that while thinking about me.

**Elizabeth:** I don't know what you mean.

**Norrington:** Oh, I think you do.

**Elizabeth:** Oh, don't be absurd. I trust him, that's all.

**Norrington (_laughs, begins to depart, pauses near the mast_):** So you never wondered how your _latest_ fiancé ended up on the _Flying Dutchman_ in the first place?


	22. The Kraken

**Adapted from the screenplay by Ted Elliott & Terry Rossio**

_(Will is in the cabin of the Edinburgh Trader with Bellamy, Quartermaster, and Bursar, wrapped in a blanket)_

**Bellamy:** Strange thing to come upon a longboat so far out in open waters.

**Will:** Just put as many leagues behind us as you can. As fast as you can.

**Bellamy:** And what are we running from?

**Will:** Feminists.

**Bellamy:** _NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!_

_(pause)_

**Will:** …I was kidding.

**Bellamy:** That's _not_ funny! Do you have _any_ idea what feminists would do to me if they _found_ me?!

**Will:** Don't know. Don't care. Just get me to a doughnut shop so I can—_(sees Elizabeth's dress on a chair on the other side of the cabin)_ That dress. Where did you get it?

**Bellamy:** It was found aboard the ship. The crew thought it was a spirit bringing some omen of ill fate.

**Will:** That's foolish.

**Quartermaster:** Oh, yes. Exceedingly foolish. But the Captain had hoped it was simply the clothes of a nubile young woman running around naked onboard the ship. It wasn't.

**Bursar:** That's right. Unfortunately for Bellamy, as it turns out, she was clothed, not to mention a child _and_ a 'toon.

**Bellamy:** And one can't have naughty good fun with people like that.

**Will:** As my fiancée would say: _sexist bastards_! _(revelation)_ Wait a minute! That was my fiancée!

**Bursar:** Well, whoever she was, she brought us good fortune. She forced us to go to Tortuga, and we made a nice bit of profit there.

**Bellamy:** Off the books, of course.

**Will:** I imagine…some of your crew may have jumped ship there.

**Bellamy:** Why do you ask?

**Messenger sailor:** Captain! A ship's been spotted!

**Bellamy:** Colors?

**Messenger sailor:** Purple and green!

**Bellamy (_happy gasp, shared with Quartermaster and Bursar_):** _It's Barney! (they joyfully run up to the deck)_

**Will:** Barney? Barney doesn't have a ship. If he did, it'd—_no_—_(runs up to deck, shouts) IT'S A TRAP!!!_

_(onboard the Flying Dutchman, which is flying under a purple and green flag with Barney the Purple Dinosaur on it, Davy Jones grunts at the cloth that Will swiped for the key, while Bootstrap is held at knife point)_

**Davy (_to Bootstrap, clutching his neck with his claw hand_):** You will definitely _watch_ this!

_(crewmen are whipped as they turn the Kraken Hammer, a very large screw of sorts)_

**Davy:** Definitely let no joyful voice be heard! Definitely let no man look up at the sky with hope! And definitely, _definitely_ let this day be cursed by we who ready to wake…the _Kraken_!

**Bootstrap: (_in operatic singing voice_):** _NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!_

**Davy:** I didn't know you were a bass. I didn't, I definitely didn't.

_(the Kraken Hammer thumps heavily against the sea, and music starts playing: it's that damned Barney song, "I Love You")_

**Edinburgh Trader crew (_singing along, hands on each other's shoulders_):** _I love you…you love me…we're a happy family…._

**Will (_on top of the mast, to himself_):** I've doomed us all. _(to crew) No! Stop singing! It's not Barney's ship! It's a trap! It's a decoy! It's (a drum roll is heard) THE FLYING DUTCHMAN!!! (drum roll ends dramatically)_

**Edinburgh Trader crew (_continuing to sing along, ignoring Will_):** _…with a great big hug, and a kiss from you to me…won't you say you love me, too…._

_(a loud thumping sound resonates through the ship)_

**Bursar:** Oh, Mother Cary's chickens! What happened?  
**Quartermaster:** Either we hit a reef, or we got the lyrics wrong.

**Bursar:** Like _hell_ I got the lyrics wrong. This is _Barney_, damn it!

_(the crew look overboard and see bubbles rising up alongside the ship)_

**Bursar (_to Quartermaster_):** I _told_ you it was a reef!

**Quartermaster: **Forgive me for doubting you.

**Bellamy (_shouting to crew_):** Free the rudder! Hard to port, then hard to starboard!

_(other crewmen shout "Clear the rudder!" and "Hard to port!" to each other, while a Kraken tentacle suddenly and silently seizes Bellamy; it surfaces in the distance, with Bellamy screaming before it dives under again)_

**Crewman:**_ Kraken!_

**Will (_shouting_):** I _told_ you it was a trap! _Idiots!_  
_(a crewman rings the ship's bell wildly; another offers Elizabeth's dress to the Kraken tentacles: "Here! She's here! Take it!")_

_(Much frantic running and screaming; a huge tentacle then rises high over the ship before crashing down on it, breaking it in two and sending men bouncing off the ship; men slide down the tilted deck, while Will is flung underwater, whereupon he sees the body of the Kraken in the distance)_

**Crewman (_sliding down tilted ship, screaming_):**_ OH SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIT!!!_

_(Will surfaces and climbs aboard a piece of floating board of ship debris; the Flying Dutchman comes near him, and Will slides off his board to swim towards it; Davy is looking over from the bow of the Dutchman, where he sees the floating debris, including a face-down corpse and Elizabeth's wedding dress)_

**Maccus:** The boy's not here. He must've been claimed by the sea.

**Davy:** I _am_ the sea. I definitely am the sea. _(he stomps over to Bootstrap) _Definitely. _(to Bootstrap)_ You need time alone with your thoughts.

**Flying Dutchman crewman:** What of the survivors? _(remaining crewman are lined up, on their knees, crewman looking over them; Will is also looking in)_

**Davy:** There are _no_ survivors. Definitely no survivors. _(the remaining crewman are simultaneously axed from behind; Will witnesses this and ducks behind a beam; Davy turns around, sensing Will, but does nothing)(to Koleniko)_ The chest is definitely no longer safe. Definitely. Chart a course to Isla Cruces. Get me, definitely _me_ there first, or there'll be the devil to pay, definitely the devil to pay. Definitely.

**Koleniko:** _First?_

**Davy:** Who sent that thieving charlatan onto my ship? Who told them of the key? Who, definitely _who_?

**Koleniko:**…Regis Philbin?

**Davy:** _Jack Sparrow!_ …_Definitely_ Jack Sparrow…

**Koleniko:**_ Ohhhh…._okay. _(walks off)_

_(Will is now hitching a ride on the front of the Flying Dutchman, between the jaw formations, while Elizabeth's dress slowly sinks to the bottom of the ocean)_


	23. Arrival On Isla Cruces

**Adapted from the screenplay by Ted Elliott & Terry Rossio**

_(Elizabeth is sitting on some steps onboard the Black Pearl; Jack walks over to her, carrying a bottle of rum)_

**Jack:** My tremendous intuitive sense of the female creature informs me that you are _troubled_.

**Elizabeth:** My tremendous intuitive sense of the _male_ creature informs me that you need a swift kick in the crotch.

**Jack:** Fair enough. What's the matter, Izzy?

**Elizabeth:** I just thought I'd be married by now. I'm so ready to be married. _(Jack offers her a drink from his bottle)_

**Jack:** You know…_(clears throat)_ Lizzy… I _am_… captain of a ship. And _being_ captain of a ship, I could in fact perform a…marri_age_. Right here. Right on this deck. Right…_now_. _(Elizabeth recoils at Jack's breath on the word "now")_

**Elizabeth:** No thank you.

**Jack:** Why not? We are very much alike, you and I. I and you. Us.

**Elizabeth:** Well, we _are_ sibs. _(is suddenly whacked HARD in the back of the head by Anamaria's brick-filled purse)_ _HOLY DANNY ZUKO! OW! (turns around to look at Anamaria) WHAT?!_

**Anamaria:** Stay in character, Dot! Yakko's not your brother right now, he's _Jack Sparrow_!

**Elizabeth:** …But he _is_ my brother.

**Jack:** Off-camera, _yes_, I am. On-camera, I'm Jack Sparrow…_M.D._ _(Anamaria then whacks him HARD in the back of his head with her brick-filled purse) HOLY SANDY DUMBROWSKI! OW! (to Anamaria) WHAT?!_

**Anamaria:** Jack Sparrow is _not_ a doctor!

**Jack (_all of a sudden dressed in stereotypical doctor attire_): **Nurse! Lock this woman up! She's _crazy_! _(Elizabeth, suddenly dressed in stereotypical nurse attire, tosses Anamaria into a safe, locks it, and throws it overboard) _Good job, nurse! _(remove their doctor's clothes to reveal original pirate outfits, and resume scene)_

**Elizabeth:** Oh. Except for a sense of honor, and decency, and a moral center. And personal hygiene.

**Jack (_smelling his armpits_):** Smells like…teen spirit. Yeah. That's what that is.

**Elizabeth:** _Go team!_

**Jack:** Well those are trifles, love. You _will_ come over to my side. I know it.

**Elizabeth:** You seem very certain.

**Jack:** Darling, the Magic 8-Ball told me you would. Of _course_ I'm certain.

**Elizabeth:** So you don't think I'm curious and long for freedom and long to do what I want to do because I want it and to act on selfish impulse and I want to see what it's like and one day, I won't be able to resist?

**Jack:** No. The Magic 8-Ball told me.

**Elizabeth:** Then your Magic 8-Ball doesn't work. _(music stops)_

**Jack (_gasps_):** _Blasphemy!_ My Magic 8-Ball works _fine_! _(looks down at the cannon between his legs; music resumes)_

**Elizabeth:** Well, you and I _are_ alike, and there will come a moment when you have a chance to show it. To do the right thing.

**Jack:** I love those moments. For some reason, they always remind me of cabbage. I don't know why the hell why, they just do. And I love cabbage, so I love moments that _remind_ me of cabbage, too.

**Elizabeth:** You'll have the chance to do something…something courageous. And when you do, you'll discover something: that you're a good man.

**Jack:** You mean in bed, or in general?

**Elizabeth:** Sexist bastard. I have faith in you. Want to know why?

**Jack:** Not really. No.

**Elizabeth:** Curiosity. You're going to want it. A chance to be admired. And gain the rewards that follow. You won't be able to resist. You're going to want to know…what it tastes like…

**Jack:** If I wanted to know what it tasted like, couldn't I just go to the drive-through?

**Elizabeth:** But – seeing as you're a good man I know you will _never_ put me in a position that would compromise my honor.

**Jack:** Of _course_ I would. I'm a pirate. That's my _job_. _(suddenly stares in horror as the black spot boils back into view in his hand, but Elizabeth doesn't notice)_

**Elizabeth:** I'm proud of you, Jack.

**Jack (_throwing her out of the way_):**_ OUTTA MY WAY! (calling out) Jar Of Dirt, where are you?!_

**Gibbs:** Land ho!

_(cut to Jack, Elizabeth, Norrington, Pintel, and Ragetti in longboat, the latter two rowing them toward Isla Cruces; despite their small size, the little mice are able to row them with oversized paddles controlled by pint-size levers that they operate)_

**Pintel:** You're pulling too fast!

**Ragetti:** You're pulling too slow, Brain! _Narf!_ I don't want the crackers to catch us!

**Pintel:** I'm saving my strength for when it comes. And don't you mean the _Kraken_?

**Ragetti:** No thanks. I'm not hungry.

**Pintel:** What?

**Ragetti:** If I wanted some Kraken, I'd say so. Poit.

**Pintel:** Shouldn't we be more worried about the Kraken eating _us_?

**Ragetti:** You say that like it's actually _possible_, Brain. That's funny! Ha ha!

**Pintel:** What's so funny about _that_?! We're talking about something that could seriously _kill_ us, Ragetti!

**Ragetti:** Are you sure that's not too big of a stretch?

**Pintel:** _Yes!_ _Quite_ sure! Jones is sending the thing after _Jack_!

**Ragetti:** No-no-no-no-no-no-no. You're thinking of the _crackers_. I'm talking about _Kraken._

**Pintel:** I _am_ talking about the Kraken!

**Ragetti:** But you _love_ Kraken! Why are you suddenly so afraid of them?

**Pintel:** _You mean there's more than one?! _Oh dear….

**Ragetti:** Why _wouldn't_ there be more than one?

**Pintel:** Pinky?

**Ragetti:** Yes, Brain? _(Brain bops him on the head) Ow!_

**Pintel:** Please tell me: _what _in the name of Greased Lightning are we talking about?!

**Ragetti:** Crackers. Duh.

**Pintel:** I thought we were talking about the _Kraken_.

**Ragetti:** Well, only because _you_ brought it up.

**Pintel:** Oh my. This is the most confusing conversation I've ever had.

_(Elizabeth and Norrington exchange glances)_

**Elizabeth:** I think something got lost in translation. _(Norrington nods in agreement)_

**Jack (_to audience, in his best Rod Sterling impression_):** Lots of things get lost in translation. It happens _all_ the time. That's why we have professional translators. Pay 'em their proper fees, and before you know it, you and that Vietnamese hooker who you otherwise couldn't understand will have reached an accord, and so the vice can begin. …But, _sometimes_, when you need a translator _most_, there's nothing that can be done, because, _oh my GOD_, you're _all_ speaking _English_! Believe it or not, take it with a grain of salt if you must, but the fact is, events as horrifying as this you see before you _do_ happen…in the Twilight Zone. _(fade to black, chapter ends)_


	24. The Chest

**Adapted from the screenplay by Ted Elliott & Terry Rossio**

_(The longboat with Jack, Elizabeth, Norrington, Pintel, and Ragetti pulls up to the sandy beach; Jack disembarks and begins to walk off)_

**Jack (_to Pintel & Ragetti_):** Guard the boat, mind the tide…. Don't touch my dirt.

_(Jack, Elizabeth, and Norrington walk off; after they leave, Pintel and Ragetti both turn to the Jar Of Dirt in curiosity; Ragetti slowly extends his finger, and touches the lid of the jar)_

**Ragetti (_to Pintel, in playful whisper_):** _I'm touching his dirt…ha ha ha ha!_

**Pintel:** I don't think you should be doing that, Pinky….

**Ragetti:** I don't think _you_ should spend all your time thinking up evil schemes to try and take over the world, but does that stop me from helping you! No it _doesn't_! _(pokes jar playfully)_ _Ha ha ha ha ha!_

**Pintel:** I am _not_ always thinking about taking over the world! That's _ridiculous_. That's _absurd_.

**Ragetti:** Oh, really? When I say, "indoor plumbing," what do you think of?

**Pintel:** Isn't it obvious? If I could somehow create a chemical that causes people to bow down to _me_, I could infiltrate the world's plumbing systems and contaminate the water with it! Then, when the inescapable urge to drink hits, people will turn on their faucets, and when they drink the water that comes out, they will become _my subjects_! _Yes!_

**Ragetti:** Egad, Brain, _brilliant_! Oh, wait, no…I think you just proved my point, though.

**Pintel (_realizing this_):** Drat. _(turns to Ragetti)_ So what do _you_ think of when _I_ say, "indoor plumbing"?

**Ragetti:** I think to myself, "I sure hope the crackers doesn't come out and pull me down the toilet." Narf. That would be terrible!

**Pintel:** Why do you keep calling it the _crackers_?! It's the _Kraken_, the _KRAKEN!_

**Ragetti:** Whoo. All this mentioning of Kraken is making me hungry. But if I eat something, I'll have to go to the bathroom afterwards, and if I do _that_… _(gasps)_ the crackers could get me! But that's okay; now that we're on an island, I can just go on a tree! _Yipee!_

**Pintel (_rubbing forehead from headache; then notices audience_):** What are you looking at? Why are you watching _us_?

**Ragetti (_seeing audience as well_):** They're loyal fans, Brain. _(turns to audience, waves gleefully)_ Hi, Mom!

**Pintel (_to audience_):** We're not even the main focus of this story! The Warners are! Go, cameraman, go to _them_!

_(cut swiftly to a scene in the bathroom of a house; Will/Wakko is carrying a razor-sharp knife and slowly walking toward a shower curtain, through which we can see the silhouette of a beautiful, and obviously, naked woman; she is singing the Red Hot Chili Peppers' "Dani California" to herself; Will/Wakko suddenly notices the camera and silently gasps; he realizes that we see him holding the knife and walking toward the woman, and so quickly tosses the knife aside)_

**Will:** It's not what it looks like. It isn't!

**Woman In Shower:** What's that? Who's there?

**Will (_to audience_):** Excuse me. _(jumps into shower with woman; both are now silhouettes behind curtain) HELLOOOOOOOOOO NURSE! (woman screams)_

_(we cut swiftly back to Pintel and Ragetti, who are staring in awe at what just happened)_

**Pintel:** Well…that was…_pointless_.

**Ragetti:** _What happened next? WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?! (Pintel bops him on the head) OW!_

**Pintel (_to cameraman_):** Just…go to whatever Yakko, Dot, and Jack are up to. _Please!_

**Cameraman:** Okay.

_(FINALLY we see what Jack, Elizabeth, and Norrington are up to; Elizabeth is walking in some sand dunes near the beach, following the compass)_

**Elizabeth:** This doesn't work! And it _certainly_ doesn't show what you want most.

_(Norrington smirks as she sits down in the sand, setting the compass down next to her; the needle ends up pointing to her when Jack approaches)_

**Jack:** Yes it _does_. You're sitting on it!

**Elizabeth:** Beg your pardon?

**Jack:** Move. _(whistles for her to move)_

**Elizabeth:** But I just got comfortable!

**Jack:** _Move!_

**Elizabeth:** But this sand is so warm and soft and—

**Jack:** _MOVE!_

**Elizabeth:** Sorry. I'm the Rosa Parks of the Caribbean now. You can't make me.

_(Jack thinks about the situation for a moment, then gets an idea)_

**Jack:** You know, Liz, AKA my little sister _Dot_, AKA the world's greatest Mel Gibson fan…rumor has it Mel Gibson finds women who get up off their seats a huge turn-on.

**Elizabeth:** You made that up! That's not true!

**Norrington (_annoyed_):** Look, Miss Swann, I didn't carry this shovel here for nothing.

**Elizabeth:** It always has to be about _you_, doesn't it, Norry? _(Norrington sighs pitifully)_

**Jack:** Say, James ol' boy, can I borrow that shovel for a moment?

**Norrington (_handing Jack shovel_):** Sure. Why?

**Jack (_smiling_):** I'm a collector. _(looks at blade of shovel closely, like a detective might)_ _Say_, check this out!

**Elizabeth (_looks up at Jack_):** What?

**Jack:** There's a dirt stain on this shovel that looks just like Michael Keaton when he was Batman!

**Elizabeth (_stands up, tries to see it_):** Where? Let me see!

**Jack:** There you go. _(he promptly whacks her with the shovel, and she falls unconscious; he and a shocked Norrington look over her still body) Theeeeeeeeere _you go. _(tosses shovel to Norrington)_ All righty, pal. Start digging. _(with Elizabeth off the space, Norrington is free to start digging, still shocked by Jack's knocking Elizabeth unconscious)_

_(meanwhile, back at the longboat on the beach, Pintel and Ragetti are clowning around: namely, Ragetti is repeatedly poking Jack's Jar Of Dirt, while Pintel is finding this very annoying)_

**Ragetti (_poking Jar of Dirt with one finger_):**Poke! Poke! Poke! Poke! Poke! Poke! ...

**Pintel:** _Stop that!_ It's not yours, Ragetti! Stop touching it! _Stop touching it!_

**Ragetti (_ignoring him_):** Poke! Poke! Poke! Poke! Poke! Poke! ….

_(offshore, the Flying Dutchman waits; Davy is watching Pintel and Ragetti through his spyglass)_

**Davy:** They're here! They're definitely here! And I cannot step foot on land for near of a decade! Definitely not for a decade!

**Maccus:** Yeah…sucks for you, huh?

**Davy: **It sucks, it definitely, _definitely_ sucks.

**Maccus:** So you trust us to act in your stead?

**Davy:** I'll definitely trust you to know what awaits you should you _fail!_ Down, then! _(a crewmember shouts "DOWN!")_

**Maccus:** _Down!_

_(we watch as the Flying Dutchman dives down underwater, while Fall Out Boy's "Sugar, We're Going Down" starts emanating from a crewmember's boom box)_

**Bootstrap:** _I HATE THIS SOOOOOOOONG!_

_(on the beach, Pintel and Ragetti are astounded to see this)_

**Pintel:** _Oh no!_ They'll _drown_!

**Ragetti:** Not only that, they're going to drown _while listening to Fall Out Boy!_ _Narf!_ I knew this world was a cruel one, but _egad_, that's so _horrible_!

**Pintel:** Can you swim?

**Ragetti:** No.

**Pintel:** Then we have to get the others! Otherwise there's no hope in saving them! _(Screaming, they both run off to tell Jack, Elizabeth and Norrington)_

_(Norrington is digging in the sand, and, per Jack's suggestion, tossing the lifted sand onto unconscious Elizabeth, while Jack sits in a lotus position, bobbing his head to the funky music in his iPod; suddenly, Norrington's shovel hits something hard, and the noise wakes Elizabeth up; the three of them pull out the chest, and upon opening it, find it to contain a pearl necklace, documents, and a smaller chest, among other things; Elizabeth opens up a letter with a wax seal, and reads it to herself)_

**Elizabeth (_studying letter_):** Beatles lyrics. These are _Beatles_ lyrics.

**Jack:** Who knew Davy was a Beatles fan? I gotta say, I just got some newfound respect for the man.

**Norrington:** What about _this_, though? _(pulling out small chest; all three of them put their ears to it, and hear a heart beating inside)_

**Elizabeth (_gasping, tossing aside letter_):** _It's real!_

**Norrington:** You actually _were_ telling the truth.

**Jack:** I do that quite a lot. Yet people are always surprised.

**Will _(unexpectedly arriving on beach, walking towards them_):** With good reason!

**Elizabeth:** _Will! You're all right! Thank God! I came to find you! (they hug)_ Wait…didn't you just come from trying a stab a woman in the shower a la _Psycho_?

**Will (_smiling_):** Yes I did!

**Jack:** And, uh, how much did you see? …If you know what I mean.

**Will (_winks, gives Jack thumbs-up_):** I saw _everything_.

**Jack:** _Nice_…

**Elizabeth (_sighing, to herself_):** Sexist—

**Jack, Will, & Norrington (_to Elizabeth_):** _Don't finish that sentence!_

**Jack:** It's gotten _very_ annoying, do you know that?!

**Elizabeth:** It _should_ be annoying. If you're _annoyed_ by it, you _should_ be learning your lesson!

**Will:** Men never learn their lesson, sis! You should _know_ that by now! _(pause)_ You should just give up. Save yourself some energy.

**Elizabeth:** Maybe you're right.

**Will:** That's the spirit!

**Elizabeth:** But maybe you're _wrong_!

**Jack:** Okay, okay. Let's just drop the subject for now, okay, sibs? _(sees Norrington)_ And…exceedingly quiet man over there. This chapter's long enough as it is.

**Norrington:** I have a _name_, you know.

**Jack:** Yeah, well, everyone has their dreams. You just stay optimistic there, okay? _(Norrington sighs pitifully again)(turns to Will)_ So how did you get here, anyway?

**Will:** Sea turtles. A pair of them, strapped to my feet!

**Jack: **You know they're endangered species, right? Protected by the Endangered Species Act and all that. It's against the law to hurt them in any way.

**Will:** I know. Thanks for reminding me, but I know. And I owe you thanks for one other thing, too, Jack.

**Jack:** You do? Oh. Wait. Does this have to do with that thing I did to you that I don't want Izzy to know about?

**Elizabeth:** What thing? What's he talking about?

**Will:** He tricked me onto the _Flying Dutchman_ to square his debt with Jones.

**Elizabeth:** _WHAT?!_

**Jack: **_Damn._

**Will:** I was reunited with my Daddy! And there was disco music, and Yahtzee, and _everything_!

**Jack:** Um…you're welcome.

**Elizabeth (_to Jack_):** Everything you said to me…every word, was a lie!

**Jack:** Pretty much. Time and tide, love. Sun and moon. Black and white. Heaven and Hell. …Simon and Garfunkel. I have _no_ idea where I'm going with this…. _(Will stoops down with the key to open the chest)_ Oi! What are you doing?

**Will:** I'm gonna kill Jones.

**Jack (_drawing his sword and pointing it at Will_):** Can't let you do that, William. 'Cause if Jones is dead, who's to call his terrible beastie off the hunt, eh? Now. If you please the key.

_(Will backs up slowly, then suddenly draws Elizabeth's sword and points it at Jack)_

**Will:** I keep the promises I make, Jack. I intend to free my father. _(Norrington draws his sword and points it at Will)_

**Norrington:** I can't let you do that either. So sorry.

**Jack (_to Norrington_):** Say, you're neither wallowing in self-pity nor browsing your little collection of nudie mags. See, now we can start up warming up to each other! We'll be the _best_ of friends! We'll do _everything_ together! We'll— _(Norrington points sword at Jack)_ …Hypocrite.

**Norrington:** Lord Beckett desires the contents of that chest. I deliver it, and get my life back.

**Jack:** So you _admit_ you have no life? _(puts hand on Norrington's shoulder)_ That must have taken a lot of guts. You deserve a treat. Here. Have a cupcake. _(Norrington takes cupcake with free hand and eats it, getting chocolate around the side of his mouth)_

**Norrington:** I see it as the promise of redemption.

**Jack:** Hey, Will, you in the mood for a threesome? _(everyone, including audience, gasps)_ Wait, that came out wrong. Um…you in the mood for a three-way swordfight?

**Will (_to Director_):** Do I have insurance?

**Director:** I don't know.

**Will:** Close enough. How do you feel about it, Jamesy?

**Norrington:** Why is everyone so mean to me all the time? How come nothing _good_ ever happens to me?

**Director: **You do what the script tells you to, man.

**Norrington:** Do I die in the sequel?

**Director:** Maybe.

**Norrington:** You're next on my list, Verbinski.

**Director:** Whatever.

**Elizabeth:** You guys aren't actually going to fight, are you?

**Jack:** What are you so worried about?! We're _cartoons_. We can't get hurt!

**Will:** And that's some serious pwnage right there. _(they turn to Norrington)_

**Jack:** Wait. You're not a cartoon, are you?

**Norrington (_suddenly realizing this, and getting scared; draws sword to threaten them_): **_Crap…_.

**Will:** Oh goody. Now the _real_ fun begins.

**Elizabeth (_looks at Jack, Will, & Norrington, then at audience_):** Uh-oh.


	25. Wheel of Fortune, Part 1

**Adapted from the screenplay by Ted Elliott & Terry Rossio**

_(A three-way swordfight ensues between Jack, Will, and Norrington on the beach)_

**Elizabeth:** Stop it! You're making me look bad!

_(the men shout at each other as they fight)_

**Elizabeth:** Jack!

**Jack:** If you want, I'll stab you _later_, okay? I'm kind of busy here, woman.

**Will (_to Elizabeth_):** Guard the chest.

**Elizabeth:** _No!_

_(men continue fighting)_

**Elizabeth (_following them as they duel_):** This is bar_baric_! This is _no_ way for grown men to settle—! Oh! Fine! Let's just—_pull_ out our swords and start _banging_ away at each other! _This will solve everything! _I've had it! I've had enough! Wobbly-legged, rum-soaked…_pirates_! _WHY AM I YELLING SO MUCH THAT MY VOICE IS STRAINING?! (tries throwing rocks at them)_

**Pintel (_to Ragetti_):** How'd this go all screwy?

**Elizabeth (_in background, shouting to duelists_):** I know I'm cute, but am I _really_ worth killing over?! _(to herself)_ Oh, wait, yes I am. _(to them)_ Keep at it boys! You're making me look good!

**Ragetti:** Well, each one wants the chest for himself, you see? Mr. Norrington, I think he knows he's small in the pants, and he knows that everybody knows that, so he wants the chest so he can regain his honor. Old Jack is looking to trade it and save his own skin. And Turner there, I figure he's trying to settle some unresolved business twixt him and his twice-cursed pirate father.

**Pintel:** Sad. _(looks at chest)_ You know, that chest must be worth more than a shiny penny,

**Ragetti:** Does it really matter how shiny it is? It's only a cent, Brain. Either way, though, that chest _is_ terrible temptation.

**Pintel:** _Exactly_. _(turns to Ragetti)_ Pinky, are you pondering what I'm pondering?

**Ragetti:** I think so, Brain, but the Canadians don't _really_ need another territory, do they?

**Pintel:** No, Pinky. Temptation. If we were any kind of decent, we'd remove it from their path.

**Ragetti:** The chest?

**Pintel:** _Yes_, Pinky. The oceans cover seventy percent of this planet, and he who controls the heart inside that chest controls the oceans. Therefore, he who controls the chest…_controls seventy percent OF THE WORLD_.

**Ragetti:** Zort.

_(they run off to steal the chest)_

**Elizabeth (_watching the others fight_):** Wow. There is _a lot_ of testosterone at work right now. To misquote Sally Field, "They like me! They really, _really_ like me!" _(sees another rock, with writing on it)_ Hello, what's this? _(picks up rock, reads it) _"If you're reading this rock, please use it to bop yourself on the head. Why? Because everyone will laugh when you fall unconscious. Hahahahahaha." _(shrugs) _Well, I don't see why not. _(bops herself on the head with it)_

_(Pintel and Ragetti, being mice, cannot carry the chest, so they are driving a vehicle something like a miniaturized moon car across the sands of the beach, with the chest on a platform)_

**Ragetti:** Faster, Brain, faster! _Weeee! _This is _fun_! _(sees Elizabeth lying on beach as they zoom past her)_ _Oh no!_ Brain! Dot's _unconscious_!

**Pintel:** That's okay; more consciousness for us, then.

**Ragetti:** We should help her!

**Pintel:** Would you _please_ stop being so selfless? It sickens me.

**Ragetti (_threatening_):** _If we don't help her, I'll play my Shakira records really, really loud!_

**Pintel (_stopping car_):** …You own _Shakira_ records?

**Ragetti:** And I'm not afraid to _use_ 'em!

_(after pause) _**Pintel:** We're coming Dot! _(they drive over to her) _Okay, Pinky, do what you must to wake her up.

**Ragetti:** Okay. _(starts poking her on the head with his finger)_ Poke, Poke, Poke, Poke, Poke, Poke!...

**Pintel:** _Gosh darn it!_ Stop _doing_ that, Pinky!

**Ragetti:** Poke, Poke, Poke, Poke, Poke, Poke!... _(Elizabeth is suddenly startled awake by the poking)_

**Pintel & Ragetti:** _AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!!! ZOMBIE!!! (Pintel floors it and they drive off as quickly as they can)_

_(Elizabeth sees the chest in their car)_

**Elizabeth:** _Hey! _I was _enjoying _my unconsciousness! _YOU DIE NOW!!! (grabs a giant wooden mallet from behind her back, screams wildly, and runs after them)_

**Pintel & Ragetti:** _AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!_

_(Meanwhile, Jack, Will, and Norrington continue to duel on the sands; Jack runs off, and Norrington chases after him, but Will pulls him down; Norrington gets back up and kicks sand in Will's face)_

**Norrington:** By your leave, Mr. Turner. _(runs off to chase Jack)_

**Will:** There's someone by my leave?! Damn it, that's _my_ leave, and it's off-limits to everybody else! _(draws sword, looks threateningly for those that are "by his leave") _Where are they, I'm gonna—! _(Jack whistles to Will over by the church)_

**Jack:** Willy!

**Norrington (_snickering to himself_):** Willy!

**Jack:** We're fighting by the church now!

**Will (_shouting over to them_):** But that place is _holy_!

**Jack:** Yeah, so are cows, apparently. But does that stop the Christians from eating beef? I don't think so. _(Will runs off after them)_

_(Meanwhile, the crew of the Flying Dutchman is rising out of the shallows, one of them holding a chain shot as a weapon; two of them are suddenly whacked HARD by Anamaria's brick-filled purse, who rises out of the shallows alongside them)_

**Anamaria:** _OUTTA MY WAY, YOU SONS OF BITCHES! I'VE GOT ASS TO KICK!_

**Maccus:** So do _we_!

**Anamaria:** Eh, you're a villain. Nobody cares about _you_.

**Clanker:** I could kill you _right now_, you know.

**Anamaria:** Really? I admire that kind of confidence in a man.

**Clanker:** Are you single?

**Anamaria:** Yeah, but not for _you_, sir. No way. You smell like bad sushi.

_(Clanker roars and threatens her with his weapon)_

**Anamaria:** I'm sorry, did I offend you in any way? My apologies. Here, have a present. _(hands Clanker a gift-wrapped box)_

**Hadras:** _Open it! Open it!_

**Clanker:** _I will! I will!_

**Anamaria:** You better.

_(Clanker hurriedly opens the gift, only to find a several sticks of lit dynamite tied together)_

**Anamaria:** I'm sorry. _Not_. _(the dynamite explodes in Clanker's face, charring him and some of the other crewman)_

**Clanker (_growling_):** I'm _mad_ now! _(he and the others turn to Anamaria angrily)_

**Anamaria (_totally unafraid_):** You're gonna kill me now, aren't ya?

**Maccus:** That's the _plan_!

**Anamaria:** Your plan sucks. _(runs off into forest cartoonishly)(to audience) _Oh. Hi. Didn't see you there. What, is this not believable enough for you? You want me look more scared or something ? All right, if you insist… _AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!_

_(At the church, Norrington chases Jack up the steps inside the building, but Jack kicks Norrington back down with his foot)_

**Norrington:** _Ow!_ I'm telling my Mom we're not friends anymore! _(they swordfight on the steps, then Jack grabs hold of the bell rope, which carries him downward, and carries Will upward, who just arrived)_

**Will: **By _your_ leave, Mr. Norrington.

**Norrington: **_(Censored)_ it's by my leave! This _(censored)_ is by _your_ leave!

_(the Flying Dutchman crew is chasing Anamaria, who is only pretending to feel threatened and afraid for YOUR sakes, when they come across the chest and stop to look at it)_

**Crewmen: **_Ooooh_, chest…

**Anamaria (_not realizing they've stopped; turns around to see what they're doing_):** I don't even _have_ one! What's to ogle? I—oh. _That_ chest.

_(Suddenly, the church bell starts ringing)_

**Hadras (_pointing to church_):** _They're in there!_

**Anamaria:** I thought this was about _me_. I thought the plan was to kill _me_.

**Clanker:** Not really. We came here to kick Sparrow, Turner, and Norrington _tail_.

**Anamaria:** What a coincidence. I came here to kick Sparrow and Swann tail.

**Maccus:** We could work together! Want to join the _bad_ side? You could prove a valuable _ally_!

**Anamaria: **The _bad_ side? _(laughs)_ No thanks, I was already married once.

**Clanker:** _Fine_. _(they run off towards the church, leaving Anamaria behind)_

**Anamaria: **Oh, sure. _Run away_. Just like my husband!

**Director:** Honestly, Slappy, what kind of husband _wouldn't_ run away from you?

**Anamaria:** The dumb kind.

**Director: **Oh, so we're on the same page. Good to know. _(gives her thumbs-up) _Resume action!

_(While Norrington and Will are battling on top of the church, Jack grabs the dangling key from Norrington's hand, only causing Norrington to turn around and duel Jack, eventually knocking Jack's sword out of his hands and onto the ground below)_

**Norrington (_to Will_):** Do excuse me while I kill the man who ruined my life.

**Jack:** You mean the _cartoon_ who ruined your life.

**Will:** But he's my _brother_! Why would you kill my _brother_?!

**Jack & Norrington (_to Will_):** It's a _movie_!

**Will:** Right. Sorry. Carry on.

**Jack:** But before you kill me, former Commodore, ol' Jamesy-boy, let's examine your claim of "cartoon who ruined your life." Who was it, who at the very moment you had a notorious pirate safely behind bars, saw fit to _free_ said pirate, and take your dearly beloved all to hisself, eh?

**Will:** Harry Shearer? _(Jack and Norrington give stupefied looks at Will)_ Sorry. Carry on. Again.

**Jack (_ignoring Will_):** _So_, whose fault is it, _really_, that you've ended up a rum-pot deckhand what takes orders from pirates?

**Norrington: **Well, not Harry Shearer, for one thing…

**Will:** Thank goodness, too. He's funny, that Harry.

**Jack:** Toodle-oo! _(somersaults off roof onto ground below)_

**Will (_watching Jack_):** That was impressive. He should join the Olympics.

**Norrington (_turning to Will_):** You _do_ know we were talking about _you_, right?

**Will:** You _were_? …Uh-oh.

**Norrington: **_DIE!!! (they resume their duel)_

**Jack (_grabbing his sword, putting it back in its sheath_):** Still rooting for you, mate!

**Norrington: **Me?

**Jack:** Yes.

**Norrington:** Ah, _sweet_! _(he and Will continue battling on top of the roof)_

_(Jack picks up the key and puts it around his neck, then walks into a nearby graveyard, only to fall into an open grave; meanwhile, Norrington backs Will onto the top of the mill's waterwheel; the axle of the wheel then breaks off with them dueling on top, causing it to crash through a fence and roll towards Jack, who is facing the other direction and unaware it is headed straight for him; the wheel rolls over him and pulls him up into the inside of the moving wheel)_

**Jack (_initially frightened_):** _Oh my God! What's happening?_ _(suddenly realizes how fun it is, and smiles) WEEEEEEEEE!!! It's like Disneyland, but without the lines! YEEEEEEEEEEEEE-HAAAAAAAAA!!! WOOOOOOOOOOO!!! (Suddenly, the key falls off his neck and into the wheel, where it gets caught on a piece and dangles from it; Jack struggles to grab it as he runs along inside and along with the wheel) Must…use…THE FORCE! Help me, Obi-Wan Kenobi, you're my only hope! Help me, Obi-Wan Kenobi, you're my only ho—_ah, there we go. _(having grabbed key)_ Thanks, Obi-Wan! _(metal bar of wheel suddenly hits him on the head, and he falls off the wheel)(as he faints) (CENSORED) you, Obi-Wan Kenobi._

_(Meanwhile, Pintel and Ragetti are speeding along in their miniature moon car with the chest, while Elizabeth is chasing after them with a giant wooden mallet)_

**Elizabeth (_angry_):** _AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!_

**Pintel & Ragetti (_scared_): **_AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!_

_(Elizabeth goes around and puts her foot in the path of their vehicle, causing them to stop abruptly; she raises her mallet, roars like a lion, and prepares to hit them)_

**Elizabeth (_angry_): **_AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!_

**Pintel & Ragetti (_scared_): **_AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!_

_(She smashes the car to pieces as Pintel and Ragetti jump out; the force causes the little chest to go flying upwards)_

**Ragetti: **Brain…the _car_!

**Pintel: **Pinky…the _chest_! _(watching it fall down) I can catch it! I can catch it! (Due to his tiny size, however, he can't, and it crushes him) OW. I can't catch it._

**Ragetti: **Brain, get out! Hurry! Dot's on a rampage!

_(Elizabeth roars again and brings her mallet up as she walks toward Pintel and Ragetti; Pintel gets out from under the chest and gasps at the sight of her)_

**Pintel: **Wait a minute! We're _pirates_! We have _swords_, Pinky!

**Ragetti:** _Narf!_ By Jove, he's _right_! _(he and Pintel pull out their diminutive swords and yell defiantly at frighteningly angry Elizabeth)_

**Pintel & Ragetti: **_TO VICTORY!!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!! (they charge towards Elizabeth, swords ready and out in the forward direction)_


	26. Wheel of Fortune, Part 2

**Adapted from the screenplay by Ted Elliott & Terry Rossio**

_(Pintel and Ragetti are charging towards the giant-wooden-mallet-carrying angry Elizabeth, their tiny swords ready)_

**Pintel & Ragetti: **_VICTORY IS OUUUUUUUUUUUUURS!!!_

_(they are promptly smashed by Elizabeth's giant mallet; when the mallet comes back up, their swords are inexplicably still intact, but Pintel and Ragetti themselves are dizzy and tipsy)_

**Ragetti: **Poit. I can see lil' birds flying 'round my head, Brain.

**Pintel: **Me too. Mine are bluebirds. What are yours?

**Ragetti: **Warblers. I think, I don't have a field guide.

**Pintel: **Oh… ._(he and Ragetti faint)_

**Elizabeth: **_Yeah._ _That_'ll teach you.

_(suddenly, the giant waterwheel rolls by, with Will and Norrington dueling on top of it while Jack chases them; Elizabeth just stares at the odd sight)_

**Jack (**_**to Elizabeth, having noticed her**_In case you're wondering, it's _exactly_ what it looks like.

**Elizabeth: **But…I don't _know_ exactly what it looks like.

**Jack: **_Exactly_. _(continues chasing the wheel)_

**Elizabeth: **Oh well. At least nobody's trying to kill me.

_(suddenly, a thrown axe embeds itself in a palm tree next to her)_

**Anamaria (**_**storming into area**__Damn it!_ I _missed_!

**Elizabeth: **_AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!_ You're back from the dead!

**Anamaria: **I never died. I'm a cartoon, remember?

**Elizabeth: **Oh, yeah, that's right. So you got out of that safe all by yourself?

**Anamaria: **You bet your soon-to-be-dead ass I did. _(pulls axe out of the tree, blows on it, starts sharpening it)_

**Elizabeth:** Awesome. Wait…what was that thing you said about my ass?

**Anamaria: **It's cute. The boys really like it.

**Elizabeth (**_**talking to the computer-animated donkey standing next to her**_ Did you hear that? The boys like you!

**Donkey (**_**he's the one from Shrek**__What?_ That's _wrong_, girl, that's _wrong_. I'm a _man_. I mean, I'm all for gay rights, but _damn_. I'm _not_ that kind of guy. Now, _what_ am I doing here? I am a _DreamWorks_ property, and this is a _Disney_ production!

**Anamaria: **And we're Warner Brothers characters. _(inspects her gleaming, newly sharpened axe, practices her aim at the back of Elizabeth's neck, which Elizabeth doesn't notice)_

**Donkey: **You _see_?! It's _wrong_! _Wrong_, I tell you, _wrong_! _Can someone PLEASE tell me what's going on? _Where's Shrek? _Where is Shrek?_ I have no place here! You know what, screw that. Where's my lawyer? I'm not supposed to be here! _Get my lawyer on the phone!_ _(notices Anamaria) _Say, what are you doing?

**Anamaria: **Oh, I'm just going to kill Elizabeth, that's all.

**Donkey: **That's _wrong_, girl, that's _wrong_. _(starts looking around) SHREK!!! SHREK!!! WHERE ARE YOU?!?_

**Elizabeth (**_**turning around**_But I'm too cute to die!

**Anamaria: **You've never seen a horror movie, have you?

**Elizabeth: **No….

**Anamaria: **Yeah, the hot chick always dies in those movies. But not before getting naked, of course.

**Elizabeth: **Sexist bastards.

**Anamaria: **That'll make a great epitaph.

**Elizabeth: **You're probably right. _(Anamaria lifts her axe and is about to kill Elizabeth with it when the crew of the Flying Dutchman, raging mad, appears through the trees, with Shrek, Fiona, and Puss In Boots trailing not far behind)_

**Elizabeth: **_AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!! The stench! It's horrible! BAD SUSHI!!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!_

**Anamaria: **_Would you PLEASE shut up so I can KILL you already?!_

**Elizabeth: **Maybe later. _(runs off) AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!! Someone get me some air freshener!_

**Anamaria (**_**starts chasing after Elizabeth, axe in hand**__Come back here, you BITCH!_

_(Pintel & Ragetti shake their heads and wake up, the chest not far from them; unfortunately, the Flying Dutchman crew is storming toward them and the chest)_

**Ragetti: **Um…Brain….we should do something.

**Pintel (**_**seeing them charging at him and Ragetti**_I concur. _(puts his hand out like a crossing guard) _Gentlemen, _stop_! _(the crewmen stop)_ What is it that you want? Whatever it is, we can give to you.

**Maccus: **We want the _chest_.

**Pintel (**_**pause, looks at audience**_Okay, I can't give you _that_, but I _can_ give you anything else.

**Ragetti: **I have some Kraken. _(pulls out some saltine crackers and offers them to the crew)_

**Pintel: **No, Pinky, you don't…_(sees the crackers, and finally gets it) _oh, _Kraken!_ _Now_ I get it! For you, the Kraken is crackers, and the crackers are Kraken! _(laughs) _Oh. That's…that's funny.

**Ragetti: **What?

**Clanker: **We'll take the crackers. _(he grabs the tiny packet from Ragetti, opens it, and shares them with his crewmates) _Mmm…tasty.

**Pintel: **_Run, Pinky! (he and Ragetti grab the chest, lift it onto another makeshift miniature moon car, and drive off with it)_

**Pintel & Ragetti: **_AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!_

**Hadras (**_**eating crackers**__They're getting away!_

**Clanker (**_**pounding Hadras hard on the back**_Shut up and eat the crackers. Show some common courtesy. These were a _gift_.

**Maccus: **But Jones will _kill_ us if we fail!

**Clanker (**_**shrugs**_No biggie.

**Shrek (**_**walking over to Donkey**__There_ you are, Donkey! We've been looking all over for you, do you know that?

**Donkey: **What am I doing here, Shrek?! This is a _Disney_ set, and I'm a _DreamWorks_ character! It's _insane_!

**Fiona: **It could've been a lot worse, you know.

**Puss In Boots: **Yes, you could've been killed, _senor_.

**Donkey: **By what?

_(Puss points to the crew of the Flying Dutchman)_

**Clanker (**_**seeing Puss pointing at him**_What?

**Puss In Boots: **You look very intimidating, _senor_.

**Clanker: **Why thank you. Wait…_oh my God! A talking cat!_

**Puss In Boots: **A talking cat with a hat, sword, and _boots_, no less.

**Clanker: **_EVERYBODY RUN!_

_(the crew of the Flying Dutchman runs screaming from the scene)_

**Donkey: **Wow, that was _damn_ impressive, Pussy.

**Puss In Boots: **Don't call me that. The multiple connotations of that word will get us all in trouble.

**Shrek: **Huh?

**Puss In Boots: **Surely you know, no? Pussy and _pussy_? …No? Nothing? Nothing at all?

**Donkey: **No.

**Shrek: **No.

_(Puss turns to Fiona)_

**Puss In Boots: **Surely _you_ know.

**Fiona: **Oh, I _know_ all right, but this is a _family_ movie, so I can't actually let the whole world _know_ that I know.

**Donkey: **_Why am I still confused?! What are you talking about?! ANSWER ME!_

**Puss In Boots: **You know? A woman's _(he whistles)_.

**Shrek: **Oh, _that_.

**Puss In Boots: **Yes, _that_.

**Donkey: **I _still_ don't know! _How come I STILL don't know?!_

**Fiona (**_**to Shrek**_Should we show him some pictures?

**Shrek: **No, but if you want, you can show _me_ some pictures. _(he grins)_

**Fiona (**_**crossing her arms**_Sexist bastard.

**Director:** Okay, you guys are entertaining and all, but, um, we've got a _Pirates of the Caribbean_ movie to film here, and until you get off our set, we can't continue, so, um…yeah.

**Shrek: **Do we get paid for our screen time?

**Director: **No.

**Shrek, Fiona, Donkey, & Puss In Boots: **You _suck_. _(they exit)_

_(cut to Elizabeth running from an axe-wielding Anamaria, although actually running from the smell of the crew of the Flying Dutchman, followed not-so-far behind by Pintel and Ragetti in their little moon car with the chest, running from the crew of the Flying Dutchman, who aren't even chasing them, and are actually running from the talking cat who isn't even chasing after them)_

**Elizabeth (**_**scared, covering her nose**__AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!_

**Anamaria (**_**angry, holding her axe up high**__AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!_

**Pintel & Ragetti (**_**scared**__AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!_

**Crewmen (**_**scared, but running from nothing**__AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!_

_(Meanwhile, Jack continues to chase after the wheel, as Will and Norrington continue to duel atop it)_

**Norrington (**_**trying to stab Will**__AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!_

**Will (**_**defending himself**__AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!_

**Jack (**_**jumping back onto wheel**__AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!! (grabbing key from Norrington) AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!_

_(dodging Norrington's sword by jumping onto nearby palm frond) AAAAAAAAHHHH!!!_

_(falling from palm tree) AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!_

**Elizabeth (**_**calling to Pintel & Ragetti as Anamaria swings her axe at her**__Pintel! Ragetti! Give me your swords!_

**Ragetti: **Who?

**Pintel: **Our _characters_, Pinky.

**Ragetti: **Oh.

**Pintel (**_**calling out to Elizabeth, while continuing to drive moon car**__No! We need them to defend OURSELVES! (to Ragetti)_ Speaking of which…what's our situation, Ragetti?

_(Ragetti turns around and sees the crewmen continuing to run towards them)_

**Ragetti: **Still as screwed as ever, Brain. Poit.

**Pintel: **All right, then…prepare to enter rocket mode!

**Ragetti: **This thing has a rocket mode?

**Pintel (**_**pointing at controls**_I guess so. There's a button for it.

**Ragetti: **_Narf…._

**Pintel: **Now, I'm not normally one to push buttons without knowing what they do beforehand…

**Ragetti: **I know. That's _my_ job.

**Pintel: **…but this is _rocket_ mode, damn it! _(he pushes the button and suddenly, miniature jet engines pop out of the back of the moon car; they explode with fire, and the car begins to rapidly accelerate, before it finally starts to ascend)_

**Ragetti: **_Weeeeeeeeee! _This is _fun_, Brain! _(the chest falls out, falling back down to Earth as the rocket-car becomes completely vertical) Oh no! Brain! _The _chest_!

**Pintel (**_**struggling with controls**__I…can't…STOP!!! Oh no! We're heading into OUTER SPACE!!! Zero gravity! We're going to DIE!!!_

**Pintel & Ragetti: **_AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!_

**Pintel: **_Pinky! Do you have anything to say to me before we die?!_

**Ragetti (**_**sadly**__Poit. Narf. Zort._

**Pintel: **I feel the same way.

**Pintel & Ragetti: **_AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!_

_(the chest falls back to Earth and lands in Hadras's hands)_

**Hadras (**_**still running from Puss In Boots**__AAAAAAAAAHHHHH—Oh. _Hey, it's the chest! It's the _chest_! Guys, I got the chest! _(looks around, he's conveniently all alone) _Guys? _Guys?_ Mama? _Mama?_ Oh no! I'm totally alone with the chest! If Jack Sparrow were to come by, all he would have to do is throw a coconut at my head to make it fall off, then he could take the chest for himself, open it, take Jones's heart out, and get away unharmed!

**Jack: **Whoa, really? _(Hadras turns around and notices Jack Sparrow nearby, picking up a fallen coconut)_

**Hadras: **No, don't! _Please! _It's unethical!

**Jack: **Dude, we're pirates.

**Hadras: **Even so… _(Jack throws the coconut at Hadras's conch-shell head, causing it to fall off and his body to drop the chest) _Oh crap.

**Jack (**_**running over to chest, taking out key**_Thanks, mate. I owe you one.

**Hadras (**_**calling out to his headless body**__Anuido! Anuido!_ Follow my voice! Follow my voice! To the left…the left…wait, sorry, no, I mean, right….go to the right…no, _my_ right…oh, no, no, no, no, stop, I was right the first time…right about going left…go left…_left_, damn it, _left_…I don't mean _politically_, you bastard…_left_, left, _left, LEFT_… _(confused, the body just crashes into a palm tree and collapses)_ Oh, _crap_.

**Jack: **Oh, shut it.

**Hadras: **Yeah, what are _you_ gonna do about it?

**Jack: **Well, I'll give you a _hint_…it involves dropping an anvil on your head.

**Hadras: **I'm stumped. What do you mean? _(suddenly, an anvil falls on his head)_

**Jack: **I mean _that_. _(turns to the chest and unlocks it; square security bolts suddenly protrude as it opens; inside is the heart, beating steadily)_ _(turns to look at audience) _Know what would be _really _inconvenient? If Jones's crew suddenly appeared right now and began running towards me.

_(Jack calmly looks in the other direction, and Jones's angry crew pops out, running towards him and the chest)_

**Jack (**_**to audience**_Don't worry. I'm not _that_ stupid. I've just read the script! _(gives thumbs-up to audience, puts the beating heart inside his vest, gets up and starts running away) (referring to the heart inside his vest) _Oh, that feels _nice_….


	27. Wheel of Fortune, Part 3

**Adapted from the screenplay by Ted Elliott & Terry Rossio**

_(Jack is the first to arrive back at the longboat on the beach)_

**Jack (**_**to himself**_J.O.D.! Where you at? _(finds the Jar Of Dirt, points at it) There_ you at. _(picks the Jar Of Dirt up and dumps some of the dirt out, making room for Davy Jones's heart, which he then puts inside the jar)_

_(Suddenly, a Flying Dutchman crew member arrives and starts fighting Jack, who retaliates with an oar)_

_(Elizabeth arrives, being chased by Anamaria and more crewmen, followed closely by the spinning wheel with Will and Norrington, which promptly falls to its side; wobbly and dizzy, Will and Norrington get out of the wheel and try walking towards the fight, only to fall down)_

**Will: **Right!

**Norrington: **Something's not right here…where have those pesky little lab mice gone to?

_(Suddenly, the miniature moon car crashes at his feet, devoid of life)_

**Norrington (**_**looking down at it**_Pity. I was rooting for them.

**Jack (**_**shouting out to Norrington in the middle of his fight**_You mean like I was rooting for you?

**Norrington: **No.

**Jack: **Okay.

_(Pintel and Ragetti land in the longboat)_

**Ragetti: **_Ow!_

**Pintel: **We're in the boat, Ragetti! _(looks around, gasps happily) _And _look! _Someone conveniently put the heart in Jack's Jar Of Dirt! Things are in our favor, Pinky!

**Ragetti (**_**getting to his feet and examining himself**_I think I might've broke something.

**Pintel: **Well, _in general_, things are in our favor! The world is _ours_! _(puts his hands in the air in joy, only to have Will point his sword at him from outside the boat)_

**Will: **Oh, no, it isn't.

**Ragetti: **_Egad! _That's a _really_ sharp sword you got there, Will!

**Will: **That's what she said, Ragetti.

**Ragetti: **Who, Elizabeth?

**Will: **Does it matter?

**Ragetti: **As long as they're not ugly, it doesn't.

**Will: **My thoughts exactly.

**Pintel (**_**grabbing a fishnet while Ragetti grabs an oar, only to find out said items are much to big for simple little mice like them**__Come on Tu_—oh, you know what? Truce. These are too big for us.

**Will: **That's what _they_ said.

**Ragetti: **_Zort!_ You're _very_ popular with the ladies, aren't you?

**Will: **You have _no_ idea.

**Ragetti (**_**scratching his head**_ Narf. I know, I don't.

**Norrington (**_**knocking Pintel & Ragetti out of his way to get to the Jar Of Dirt**_ Excuse me. _(opens the Jar Of Dirt and pulls out the heart and puts it in his vest, even though Will, Pintel, & Ragetti are looking right at him)_

**Will: **_Hey! (points sword at Norrington)_ Just what do you think _you're_ doing?

**Norrington: **Um…nothing….

**Will: **Well, if you say so…. _(retracts his sword)_

**Norrington: **Thanks. _(he joins Will, Pintel, & Ragetti in watching Elizabeth and Jack fight the Flying Dutchman crew members)_

**Pintel: **Shouldn't we help them?

**Will: **Yeah, we really should. _(pulls out a bag of popcorn and offers some to the others, and they gladly take it)_

**Ragetti: **Mmm. Buttery.

**Jack (**_**turning to the others, seeing them eating popcorn**__Hey! I_ want some of that!

**Norrington: **Too bad. _(grins, and eats some more popcorn)_

**Jack: **_BASTARDS!!! (swings his oar at the four of them, but hitting only Will, and knocking him unconscious) _Yeah, payback's a _bitch_, ain't it, Willy?

**Anamaria: **Speaking of bitches…Elizabeth, it's time for me to kill you with my axe. _(holds axe up high and aims for Elizabeth)_ Well, again, I mean.

**Elizabeth (**_**desperately pointing at axe-wielding Anamaria**_Jack! Hit that!

**Jack (**_**studying Anamaria**_Uh…she's not exactly my type, Izzy…and besides, we're kind of in the heat of battle here…. _(the crew of the Flying Dutchman roars angrily and surround them)_

**Elizabeth (**_**to Jack**_No, I mean with the _oar_!

**Jack: **Wow, I never knew you were into the kinky stuff….

**Elizabeth: **_No, damn it! Hit Anamaria with the oar!_

**Jack:** Oh. _(turns to Anamaria, ready to hit her with the oar) _All right…axe versus oar….wood versus metal…whatever-the-hell-I-am versus squirrel….

**Anamaria: **You wouldn't hit an old lady, now would ya?

_(Jack thinks about it for a moment, then hits her with his oar, knocking her unconscious)_

**Norrington (**_**joining Jack & Elizabeth, and tossing his popcorn aside**_Nice shot, Sparrow.

**Jack (**_**to Norrington**_ I think I'm losing my touch. Can I practice that on you?

**Norrington: **_No._

**Elizabeth (**_**looking at the crew members gathering around them**_We're not getting out of this.

**Jack: **Sometimes I wish you were human, Izzy. Maybe then you'd be able to flash them a little something-something, and because they're members of the opposite sex, they'd bow down to that little something-something…and we could get away.

**Elizabeth (**_**whisper to herself**_ _Sexist bastard. (angry, to Jack) WHAT DID YOU SAY?!_

**Jack: **Right. Sorry. You're right. The bigger the something-something's, the better. Little is never good when it comes to something-something's.

**Norrington: **What would you guys say if I ran off with the chest to distract them and nobly save your lives?

**Jack & Elizabeth: **_Show-off._

**Norrington: **Close enough. _(grabs the chest and runs through the crowd of crewmen, but they don't chase him; he calls back out to them) _Yo! Guys! Aren't you going to chase me? Aren't you going to make me look noble? Aren't you going to give me a chance to get the recognition I deserve?

**Maccus: **Nobody cares about _you_, Norrington.

**Jack: **You're going to have to _make_ them chase you, Norry.

**Elizabeth (**_**loading Anamaria into the longboat**_Yeah, Norry. Give 'em an incentive. It's all about the Benjamins, baby.

**Jack: **What? What?

**Norrington (**_**to crewmen**_Um…I have a nudie mag, fellas.

**Clanker: **Only one?

**Norrington: **Yes, only one. I'm very sorry.

**Maccus:** We can't kill a man who's only carrying _one_ nudie mag. It's immoral. You deserve to take that up to Heaven with you.

**Norrington: **You have _morals_? …I'm surprised.

**Hadras:** You shouldn't be. We're men, after all. And _every_ man believes that every _other_ man out there deserves his own fair share of boobies.

_(Elizabeth turns to Jack for his opinion on this)_

**Jack (**_**nodding**_It's true.

**Norrington: **In that case, um…thank you.

**Clanker: **You're welcome.

**Norrington (**_**to himself**_I do like the boobies… _(turning to the crew, he rushes up to one of them and taps them on the shoulder)_ _Tag!_ You're it! _(runs off as fast as he can)_

**Crewman: **_Bastard! (to other crewmen) Get that bastard! (the crew rushes after Norrington)_

**Jack: **I sure hope Norrington doesn't become "it". I'm still rooting for him.

**Pintel: **Aye. And he was rooting for us. I'm touched. I'm going to miss him.

_(while running away in the jungle, Norrington trips and drops the chest and sword; before he can pick up his sword, he is tapped on the shoulder by Hadras)_

**Hadras (**_**holding his head under one arm**_Your bravery is wasted. Now _you're_ "it".

_(Norrington gets up, pauses, and looks around)_

**Norrington: **Don't you want the chest? Davy Jones's heart and whatnot? Isn't that what he sent you here for?

**Hadras: **Yeah, but we'd rather play tag. _(he and the other crew chuckle evilly)_

**Norrington: **_Well I don't want to play tag no more! (throws the chest at Hadras, causing him to drop his head, while Norrington runs away)_

**Hadras:** How come nobody has any team spirit anymore?

**Clanker: **'Cause your headless body is walking away with the rest of us and _without_ you.

**Hadras: **_What?!_ _(his head turns around and turns into a hermit crab, and crawls after the rest of the crew) Come back here! HEY! HEY! Get the hell back here! Damn it, I hate it when this happens…._


	28. The Battle

**Adapted from the screenplay by Ted Elliott & Terry Rossio**

_(Will, lying flat on the deck, wakes up aboard the Black Pearl)_

**Will (**_**to Elizabeth**_What happened to the chest?

**Elizabeth: **Norrington took it to draw them off. They were playing tag.

**Will: **They were? And I missed out? _Why?!_

**Elizabeth:** You were _unconscious_, Will.

**Will: **...I…I…I can't think of a witty comeback! _(storms off)_

**Pintel:** You're pulling too hard!

**Ragetti: **You're not pulling hard enough! _Zort!_

**Gibbs (**_**to Jack**_Where's the Commodore?

**Jack: **He fell behind.

**Gibbs (**_**starts to giggle, then returns to a straight face**_I—I mean…my prayers be with him. …But, best not wallow in our grief! The bright side is: you're _back_. And made it off free and clear!

_(suddenly the Flying Dutchman surfaces alongside them, causing everyone to gasp)_

**Gibbs: **Lord almighty. Deliver us.

_(Jack elbows Gibbs in the sides angrily)_

**Jack: **You _jinxed_ it!

**Gibbs: **Sorry.

**Jack (**_**smiling**_It's okay. _(turns to Flying Dutchman, grabs his Jar Of Dirt, and yells to Davy across the water) _Hey, Davizzle!

**Davy: **Is he calling me? Yeah, he's calling me. Definitely calling me. What is it, Sparrow?

**Jack (**_**showing Davy the Jar Of Dirt**_ _UP YOURS! HA!_

**Davy (**_**to Maccus**_Up mine? Up my what?

**Maccus: **I think he means up your ass, sir.

**Davy: **Oh. _(to Jack) What's in the Jar, Sparrow?!_

**Jack: **Dirt. Lots and lots of dirt. And your heart. Plus some more dirt. And a little bit more dirt. And also your heart. But mostly just dirt.

**Davy: **_Damn you, Jack Sparrow! You give that back RIGHT NOW! You definitely give it back!_

**Jack: **No. Suck it.

**Davy: **Oh yeah, well….that's what your mama said last night! That's definitely what _she_ said!

**Jack: **_Oh, you didn't. Oh, no, you DIDN'T._

**Gibbs (**_**whispering to others**_It's on!

**Jack (**_**to Davy**_Yo' mama's so fat, Christopher Columbus mistook her for the New World!

**Davy: **Yo' mama's so fat, she takes up seven rows at the movie theater!

**Jack:** Yo' mama's so fat, when she got hit by a bus, she said, "Who threw that rock?!"

**Davy:** Yo' mama's so ugly, people dress up as her for Halloween!

**Jack:** Yo' mama's so ugly, she made an onion cry!

**Davy:** Yo' mama's so ugly, she shaves her pits with a lawnmower!

**Jack:** Yo' mama's so stupid, she thought Taco Bell was a Mexican phone company!

**Davy:** Yo' mama's so stupid, it took her two hours to watch _60 Minutes_!

**Jack:** Yo' mama's so stupid, I told her Christmas was just around the corner, and she went lookin'!

**Davy:** Yo' mama's so old, she flicked the switch when God said, "Let there be light!"

**Jack:** Yo' mama's so old, she knew Burger King when he was still a prince!

**Davy: **Yo' mama's so black, when she jumped in the pool, everyone cried, "_Oil spill!_"

**Jack (**_**to his crew**_That's _racist_! He wants to fight dirty, does he? Fine, we'll fight dirty…. _(to Davy)_ Your mom has a well-paying job and is a very respected member of society!

**Davy: **_NOW YOU'VE GONE TOO FAR!!! DEFINITELY WAY TOO FAR!!! (barks) YOU TAKE THAT BACK!!! (keeps barking)_

**Jack (**_**calmly**_Davy?

**Davy: **Yes, Jack?

**Jack: **Your mom goes to college.

**Davy: **_Enough!_ Definitely _enough_! _(on cue, the Flying Dutchman's cannon covers slide down, revealing the cannons)_

**Jack (**_**in a low voice**_Hard to starboard.

**Elizabeth:** _Hard to starboard!_

**Will:** Brace up the foreyard!

**Gibbs:** Hard to starboard!

**Elizabeth (**_**whacking Gibbs upside the head**_ I already _said_ that!

**Davy:** Send his beloved _Pearl_ back to the depths. Definitely back to the depths.

**Maccus: **Fire all!

_(heavy cannonade fires from the Flying Dutchman, blowing large holes in the Black Pearl; Pintel and Ragetti look through the gaping hole in the stern and see the Dutchman following them)_

**Pintel: **She's on us! She's on us!

**Davy: **Let them taste the triple guns. Definitely the triple guns, _definitely_.

**Ogilvey:** Aye, Captain.

_(triple-barreled cannons fire, the barrels rotating after each blast; one cannonball narrowly misses Gibbs)_

**Gibbs:** Aye! That was close!

**Jack:** Well, maybe if you had been standing _a few feet to the right (motions Gibbs a few feet to the right)_ you wouldn't _have_ to take the risk of it being _close_. It could be _exact_.

**Gibbs:** Fool! I don't _want_ it to be close! I don't _want_ to be hit by their cannon fire!

**Jack:** What about ours?

**Gibbs:** I don't want to be hit by _anyone's_ cannon fire!

**Jack:** Well why didn't you say that in the _first_ place?!

**Gibbs:** Do you know _anyone_ who wants to get hit by cannon fire?!

**Jack:** Yes.

**Gibbs:** ...Who?

**Jack:** The emo kids—they hate their lives.

**Gibbs:** Right.

**Jack:** I'll go get 'em. _(starts running off)_

**Gibbs:** Wait, we have _emo_ kids on our ship?! _No, don't, Jack! Don't bring them here, please! JACK!_

**Pintel (**_**patting the side railing**_ Hmm…woody.

**Will:** That's what she said.

**Pintel:** You can stop doing that now, Will.

**Will:** She said that, too.

**Pintel:** _Stop telling me what they said! I don't care what they said!_

**Will:** …Why can't I think of a witty comeback?! _(storms off)_

**Elizabeth (**_**seeing the Dutchman falling behind**_ She's falling behind!

**Gibbs:** She is? _(looks for confirmation)_ Aye, hot diggity, yes she is! We've got her!

**Will:** We're the faster?

**Gibbs:** Against the wind the _Dutchman_ beats us. That's how she takes her prey. But _with_ the wind….

**Will:** We rob her advantage.

**Gibbs:** Aye!

**Davy (**_**to crew**_ Oh no! _Definitely_ oh no! They're out of range! _Definitely_ out of range!

**Maccus:** Are we giving up, sir?

**Davy:** Only pussies give up.

**Maccus:** And you're not a pussy.

**Davy:** _Definitely_ not a pussy. I'm a dog, definitely, _definitely_ a dog.

**Maccus:** So what do we do?

_(Davy smirks)_

**Maccus:** Sir? Sir? Facial expressions aren't very clear orders, sir.

**Davy:** _The Kraken Hammer! Definitely the Kraken Hammer!_

**Maccus:** Righty-o.

_(the crew of the Dutchman is whipped as they raise the Kraken Hammer)_

**Marty:** They're giving up! _(cheers with the rest of the Pearl crew)_

**Will (**_**to Jack**_ My father is _on_ that ship. If we can outrun her, we can take her. We should turn and fight! …And what are you doing with those emo kids?

**Jack (**_**looking at the small group of emo pre-teens and teens surrounding him**_ They're a voluntary sacrifice, should we need one. They hate their lives, so they have no problem giving them up.

**Emo Girl:** I love My Chemical Romance.

**Jack:** Good for you. _(to Will)_ Now, Willy, think about it: why fight when you can negotiate? All one needs…is the proper leverage.

_(Suddenly, the Pearl is badly jarred, causing the Jar Of Dirt to fall to the deck and spill out all the dirt)_

**Jack:** J.O.D.! _(he runs down to the spilled dirt and searches frantically for the now-gone heart)_ Where is it? Where is the thump-thump?

**Sweepy:** We must've hit a reef!

**Will:** No. It's not a reef! _Get away from the rail!_

**Elizabeth:** What is it?

**Will:** The Kraken.

**Ragetti:** _Egad!_ It's about time! I was getting hungry, you know, Brain.

_(Pintel looks at the audience, sighs, and then turns back to Ragetti)_

**Pintel:** No, Ragetti. It's the _crackers_.

_(Ragetti gets a shocked expression on his face)_

**Pintel:** There you go.

**Will:** Everybody, to arms!

**Gibbs:** All guns, defend the masts!

**Jack (**_**to emo kids**_ Are you guys ready?

**Emo Boy:** I love Panic! At The Disco.

**Jack:** So that's a yes? All right, let's do this. _(pats the boy on the back)_

**Will:** It'll attack the starboard. I've seen it before. Break out the cannons and hold for my signal!

_(slowly, the Kraken's tentacles start to crawl up the hull with a deep rumbling sound)_


	29. The Shortest Chapter Ever

**Adapted from the screenplay by Ted Elliott & Terry Rossio**

**Will (**_**to crew**_ Easy boys!

**Elizabeth:** Will?

_(the Kraken's tentacles rise higher)_

**Will:** Steady! Steady!

**Elizabeth:** Will?

_(the tentacles start feeling around the ship)_

**Will:** Hold. Hold….

**Pintel (**_**working with Ragetti to somehow hold a cannon at the ready**_ I think we've held fire long enough!

**Elizabeth:** _Will?!_

**Will:** _Fire at will! Fire at will!_

_(the crew, including Elizabeth, Gibbs, Marty, Pintel, and Ragetti, pull out their pistols, cock them, and aim them at Will, ignoring the Kraken)_

**Will:** _No! _Fire at will _at the Kraken!_ The _Kraken!_

**Gibbs:** Make up your mind, lad.

**Will:** Fire at the _Kraken!_

_(the crew put their pistols away and fire at the Kraken with the cannons, hitting the tentacles and nearly severing some, causing the Kraken to sink back into the sea, some of the tentacles glowing from the fire; the crew cheers)_

**Marty:** That was _bitchin'_….

**Anamaria (**_**rubbing her forehead, awakened by the noise of cannon fire**_ Don't curse, Skippy. It's wrong.

**Marty:** Aunt Slappy, you just referred to me as Skippy! You're out of character!

**Anamaria:** Oh, _(censored)_!


	30. The Most Unncessarily Long Chapter Ever

**Adapted from the screenplay by Ted Elliott & Terry Rossio**

**Will (**_**to Elizabeth, as the crew cheers**_It'll be back. We have to get off the ship.

**Elizabeth:** There's no boats. _(Will sees the wrecked boats, then sets his eyes on the barrels of gunpowder)_

**Will:** I have an idea. _(walks up to the top of the deck, near the steering wheel)_

**Elizabeth:** What about the gunpowder?

**Will:** Nothing. Seeing it there just made me think about fireworks, that's all. _(pushes a button, causing a large circular light to shine in the sky, which shows a spider on it)_ Fireworks are _cool._

**Gibbs:** What are you doing?

**Will:** You'll see.

_(Suddenly, Spider-Man appears, swinging onto the mast and down to the deck, alongside Will, Gibbs, and Elizabeth)_

**Will:** Guys, I'd like to meet my good friend…

**Spider-Man:** …your friendly neighborhood Spider-M—_(he is swiftly cut off by Elizabeth's pounding him on the head with a flyswatter, multiple times in succession) OW!!! OW!!! OW!!!_

**Elizabeth:** _AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!! SPIDER!!! KILL IT, KILL IT!!!_

**Spider-Man:** Woman, _please_, I'm here to _help_ you!

**Elizabeth:**_ No!_ I saw _Arachnophobia!_ You're _mean_! _(continues swatting him)_

**Spider-Man:** I wasn't _in_ _Arachnophobia_! Those were _real_ spiders! I'm just a young adult who was bitten by an irradiated arachnid and given superhuman abilities!

**Elizabeth:** But that's a scientific impossibility! _(continues swatting him)_

**Spider-Man:** It was a _movie_!

**Elizabeth:** _So?!_ _This_ is a movie! _(continues swatting him)_

**Spider-Man:** You're not making any sense!

**Elizabeth:** _You're_ not making any sense! _(continues swatting him)_

**Will:** _LOUD NOISES!!!_

_(Elizabeth and Spider-Man stop in their tracks and focus on Will)_

**Will:** Oh, good, you shut up. Now… _(takes Elizabeth's flyswatter and throws it overboard)_

**Elizabeth:** _Hey!_ That was signed by Paul Simon!

**Will:** Why would Paul Simon sign a flyswatter?

**Elizabeth:** Because he's _cool_ like that! _(dives in after her flyswatter)_

**Will:**_ Elizabeth!_ What about the _Kraken_!

**Elizabeth (**_**in the water**_ I'm sure even the _Kraken_ can appreciate a good piece of signed memorabilia, Will. _(puts on goggles, snorkel, and fins, goes underwater to look for the flyswatter)_

**Will: **_Anyway… (returns to Spider-Man) _what can you do to defend us from the Kraken, Spidey?

**Spider-Man:** That depends. What's the Kraken?

_(suddenly, there is a heavy thud that hits the ship, knocking several crewmen over)_

**Will:** Well, it's kind of like that, but worse.

**Spider-Man: **All right. This guy doesn't seem so bad.

**Gibbs:** Say, where's Jack?

**Elizabeth (**_**still in water, flyswatter in hand, shouting to crew**_ _Guys! Jack's being all coward-like and rowing away!_

**Jack (**_**far off in distance, rowing away, barely audible**_ _Nuh-uh!_

**Gibbs:** What's Jack so afraid of?

**Will: **I would think it would be the thing that's out to _kill him_.

**Gibbs:** You don't _know_ that. Maybe Jack is afraid of…_himself_. And what we'd think of the real him. Maybe he's afraid to open up, to share how he really feels with us. Boys, we can't let him think like that. We need to get him to share. To feel. To _love_.

_(Spider-Man slaps Gibbs across the face)_

**Spider-Man:** I don't even know you, man, but _seriously,_ what in the hell is _wrong_ with you?!

**Gibbs:** I think I've been watching too much of the Hallmark Channel in my free time.

**Spider-Man:** Yeah. Doing that tends to make men go the other way, doesn't it? I know. I've been there.

**Will:** Okay, Spidey, too much information there. And while we're on that subject: I think we're due for a Kraken attack right about… _(suddenly, the Kraken's tentacles tear through the ship, and the chaos begins) now._

**Spider-Man (**_**studying the attack**_ _Oh no! Doc Ock is back!_

**Will:** Uh-huh. That's about the gist of it.

**Spider-Man:** How do you expect me to _fight_ this thing?!

**Elizabeth (**_**swiftly drying herself off with a towel, back on deck**_ Easy. Insult its mother.

**Gibbs:** Aye. That's what I would do. But I think we exhausted the "yo' mama" jokes in the second-to-last chapter before this one.

**Will:** You have a point, Gibbs. _(sees a crewman being grabbed by the Kraken's tentacles and pulled away to his death)_ Hmm…Spidey? If that was Mary-Jane, what would you do to save her?

**Spider-Man:** I'd run like hell.

**Will:** That's not being a very good superhero…

**Spider-Man:** Damn it, I'm not even supposed to _be_ in this movie! I have my _own_ film to promote! I'm a busy man! I got interviews to do, and stuff like that….

**Elizabeth:** Who else is in your new movie?

**Spider-Man:** Um…besides the regulars consisting of me, Kirsten Dunst, James Franco, and Rosemary Harris, we also got newcomers Bryce Dallas Howard, Thomas Haden Church, and Topher Grace….

_(The group delves into a pointless conversation while the ship is destroyed and the crew is killed all around them)_

**Will: **Isn't that the guy from _That 70's Show_?

**Spider-Man:** Uh-huh. Well, except for the last season. He and Ashton Kutcher left to make movies. They returned for the finale, though, of course.

**Gibbs:** Didn't they replace him with the younger, inferior brother of that guy from SNL?

**Elizabeth:** I _knew_ I recognized that guy's face!

_(Anamaria, Marty, Pintel, Ragetti, and Cotton and his "parrots" join the conversation, ignoring the helpless pleas of their mates)_

**Pintel:** Ah yes. Josh Meyers. Seth Meyers' younger brother. He was in _Date Movie_, too, if I recall.

**Ragetti:** Poit. Why did we see that, Brain? Why did we waste our hard-earned money to see _that_ in theaters?

**Pintel:** Because you had been begging me nonstop for weeks on end until we did.

**Ragetti:** Oh, right.

**Marty:** Say, have any of you seen my wallet? I think somebody might've stolen it!

_(a dead crewmen falls into the group's little circle, with Marty's wallet in his cold dead hands)_

**Marty (**_**swiping his wallet back**_ You little bastard! _Why don't you drop dead?!_

**Anamaria:** He already has, Marty.

**Marty:** Never mind, then.

_(Cotton moves the dead body out of the way)_

**Spider-Man:** Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

**Pintel:** As a matter of fact, yes it does.

**Ragetti:** _Narf! _Weren't we his mice in one episode, Brain? What was the name of the episode again?

**Pintel:** "Pavlov's Mice." We tried to steal the crown jewels of Russia, but due to our conditioned reflexes, our plan was foiled when a music box and a bell went off.

**Ragetti (**_**singing**_ I'm a little teapot, short and stout…

**Pintel (**_**clamping Ragetti's mouth shut with his hands**_ _Don't_ start.

**Elizabeth:** Why were you asking about Pavlov?

**Spider-Man:** It was a joke. A one-liner. The name Pavlov rings a bell because everyone knows him as the guy associated with those experiments with his dog and the bell.

**Will:** That's awfully nerdy of you to know that.

**Spider-Man:** Well, FYI, Spider-Man's alter-ego is a nerd, Will.

**Gibbs:** Who?

**Spider-Man:** Peter Parker, of course.

**Jack (**_**reading the newspaper**_ Says here in this review that "bad" Peter Parker is really better described as "goofy" rather than "evil", describing him as "even more emo than my little brother on a Friday night."

**Elizabeth:** I _knew_ you'd come back!

**Jack:** Woman, I forgot my nudie mags. I'm not going to abandon ship without _those_.

**Elizabeth:** I see you're still a sexist bastard.

**Jack:** Well, it _does_ add some pizzazz to my otherwise boring life.

**Will:** Emo Peter Parker, you said? That makes me wonder: where'd our emo kids get too, anyway, Jack?

**Gibbs:** They're _gone_, right? Please say yes….

**Jack:** Yes. They saw the Kraken's wide open mouth and dived the hell right in.

**Sweepy (**_**as he falls into the Kraken's wide open mouth, screaming**__OH SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIT!!! (everyone takes a nonchalant notice of the tragic loss)_

**Jack: **…Yeah, it was kind of like that.

**Anamaria:** Did they have any last words before they jumped?

**Jack:** I think one of 'em said "I love Good Charlotte."

**Gibbs:** Well, if nothing else, at least they respect their favorite bands.

**Pesto:** Speaking of bands, _what_ are these things wrapped around our legs?! _Somebody tell me!_

**Marty:** Oh, those are bands. Scientists who study birds—

**Pintel:** Ornithologists.

**Marty:** --yeah—they use those to track you guys. You know, for studies and stuff.

**Bobby:** _Whoa!_ _Track_ us?! _Study_ us?!

**Squit:** I lose more faith in our government every day….

**Pesto:** _GODDAMN YOU, PATRIOT ACT!!!_

**Gibbs:** No, mates! _Scientists_ are tracking you. Not the _government_!

**Pesto:** You want me to beat you the _(censored)_ up, Mr. High-And-Mighty-First-Mate?!

**Gibbs:** No thank you….

**Pesto:** Then _shut the (censored) up!_

**Squit:** Where is the trust? Where _is_ the trust?

**Bobby:** Honestly…what would Jesus do?

**Will:** Jesus would start a rock-rap group a la Rage Against The Machine and rebel against their corrupt political asses!

**Spider-Man:** I'm all for patriotism, but I won't support a government that takes a ridiculous amount of its' peoples' freedoms away for our "safety." It just isn't right.

**Elizabeth:** You men are complaining about corruption in the _government_…_have you looked in a MIRROR lately_? All you pigs ever think about is exploiting your female partners for sexual satisfaction!

**Anamaria:** You're all sexist bastards.

**Elizabeth:** _Yes! EXACTLY! Finally_ we can agree on something!

**Anamaria:** No, I'm still going to kill you when we get out of this.

**Will:** In our defense, you women are always dressing yourselves to _get_ your naughty parts hinted at. You obviously _like_ to tease us.

**Jack: **Why else would bikinis be invented?

**Elizabeth:** Bikinis were invented because we felt two-piece bathing suits would be more comfortable. It's as simple as that.

**Spider-Man:** Oh _please_.

**Elizabeth:** Um, bikinis are to us what _Speedos_ are to _you guys_.

**Gibbs (**_**holding back tears**_ Please. Say no more. I don't want to be reminded of the swimming champion that could've been anymore!

**Pintel:** Who? _You?_

**Ragetti:** In a _Speedo_?

**Marty & Anamaria:** _Spew!_

**Jack:** Yeah, he kind of mentioned that to me in the first movie…I'm so sorry you have to picture that….

**Will:** I'll never ever ever ever ever ever ever sleep again….

**Elizabeth:** That's what he said.

**Jack & Will:** _Huh?!_

**Elizabeth:** See? We can be dirty, too.

**Jack:** How does that even make _sense_, Izzy?

**Elizabeth:** Um…I did it to him _so well_, he'll never ever ever ever ever ever ever sleep again. Isn't it obvious?

**Will:** Well, if it _was_, we wouldn't have _asked_, now _would_ we?

_(The Kraken roars, continuing to destroy the ship)_

**Anamaria:** _Man_, that thing is getting annoying! _SHUT UP OVER THERE!!! Can't some people have a decent conversation over here?! Sheesh…._

**Marty:** So inconsiderate…

**Ragetti:** Does the _Black Pearl_ have insurance, Jack?

**Jack:** Only on weekends.

**Pintel:** You should switch to Geico. You could save up to fifteen perfect.

**Elizabeth:** Geico is for _cars_, dumbass.

**Will:** And you call yourself "the _Brain_"?!

**Pintel:** No, I call myself _Pintel_. I'm actually _in character_, unlike the rest of you.

**Will:** I am _so_ in character! How dare you make an accusation like that!

**Pintel:** What's your name?

**Will:** Wakko. Wait, I mean…oh, _damn_.

**Gibbs:** You just got owned, mate.

**Jack:** This is why _I'm_ the one being nominated for all the awards, little bro. Big bro got big talent. Actually, you know what? _Everything_ about your big bro is _big_. If you know what I mean.

_(Anamaria whacks him with her brick-filled purse)_

**Anamaria:** _Stay in character, Yakko!_

**Jack:** By referring to me as Yakko and not Jack, _you're_ not in character either!

**Anamaria:** _I'm an old lady! I got Alzheimer's! I'm senile! _With _me_, that's a _forgivable_ offense!

**Spider-Man:** Well, you're obviously not senile enough to forget your lines….

**Anamaria:** You have _no_ right to criticize me for my ability to memorize the script! You're not even supposed to _be_ here!

**Spider-Man:** We're _all_ actors, and that alone gives us the right to criticize each other.

**Elizabeth:** You're _not_ Tobey Maguire—actor! You're _Spider-Man—SUPERHERO! STAY IN CHARACTER!!!_

**Gibbs:** Calm down, Elizabeth.

**Elizabeth:** Why don't _you_ calm down?!

**Gibbs:** I have no reason to. I _am_ calm.

**Bobby (**_**studying his feet**_ These bands will be the death of us.

**Squit:** Yeah, I never heard an emo band I actually _liked_. And I don't think I ever _will_.

**Pesto:** _Mother(censored)ing idiot!_ The bands around our _feet_!

**Squit:** I know, I know. I was just saying….

**Jack:** Oh _no_….

**Will:** What?

**Jack:** The Kraken's juggling our gunpowder and rum. _(everyone turns to see the Kraken juggling barrels of rum and gunpowder with its tentacles)_

**Gibbs:** The _rum_?! Jack…how can this not drive you insane?! I mean…_the rum_!

**Anamaria:** You know…both gunpowder and rum are highly flammable….

**Gibbs:** The _rum_!

**Will:** Of course! We could set the Kraken on fire!

**Gibbs:** Not the _rum_!

**Elizabeth (**_**to Anamaria**_ You're carrying dynamite, too, right?

**Anamaria:** You know it. _(pulls several rolled-up sticks of dynamite out of her purse)_

**Gibbs:** _Oh Lord, have mercy!_ Why the _rum_?!

**Pintel:** This movie could use a nice big explosion.

**Ragetti:** We'll go out with _a bang_! _Ha ha ha!_

**Gibbs:** The _rum_…_why_ the rum?!...

**Jack:** Marty…you're a small dude. With your permission, I'd like to catapult you over to the Kraken so you can drop the lit dynamite in among the rum and gunpowder, and in turn create a big fat explosion to send the Kraken back to the depths whence she came.

**Marty:** Don't we have stunt guys for that kind of thing?

**Jack:** Unless you'd rather some other, _taller_ person took the glory instead….

**Marty:** Gimme the dynamite. _(Jack and Anamaria hand Marty several rolled-up sticks of dynamite and load him into a catapult that seems to come out of nowhere)_

**Anamaria:** Skippy, should anything happen to you…your Aunt Slappy just wants you to know one thing before you go.

**Marty:** What's that, Aunt Slappy?

**Anamaria: **I lied. The square root of 196 isn't thirteen. It's fourteen.

**Marty (**_**on the verge of crying**_ …_No_…

**Anamaria:** I'm so sorry you had to hear it like this. _(pats her nephew on the head)_

**Jack:** I got something to say to you, too, Martizzle.

**Marty (**_**blowing his nose on a Kleenex**_ Huh?

**Jack:** I know I called you short, but remember…Pintel and Ragetti are even shorter.

**Marty (**_**weakly giggling**_ They're _mice_….

**Jack:** And better yet, ol' Beckett is even shorter than _they_ are.

**Marty:** This is making me feel all warm and fuzzy inside.

**Will:** That's—

**Elizabeth (**_**tightly clamping Will's neck in her hands**_If you say "that's what she said," one more time, I'll tear your esophagus out and give to the dogs at the pound to use as a chew toy. Shut _up_.

**Will:** I was _just_ saying, "That's so nice. Jack really knows how to make people feel better."

**Elizabeth:** Oh. I agree. My bad.

**Jack (**_**to Marty**_ Are you ready, Marty?

**Anamaria:** Are you? Huh? Are you?

**Marty (**_**clutching the dynamite**_ I'm ready.

**Jack:** _Word. _

_(Jack lights the dynamite, pulls back the rope, and releases the catapult, sending Marty flying over to the Kraken, where he drops the dynamite high above it, and it hits the gunpowder and rum, causing a huge explosion that defies all scientific logic; Marty lands safely among the rest of the group, who all cheer and clap for the boy's accomplishment)_

**Will:** You'll be going places, kid.

**Marty:** With enough practice, I could even be a _terrorist_!

**Anamaria:** That's it. No more six o'clock news for you, Skippy.

_(The Kraken roars a final time and descends back into the ocean)_

**Elizabeth:** Did we kill it?

**Gibbs:** No. We just made it angry. We're not out of this yet. Captain! We need more rum _now_!

**Jack:** Abandon ship. Into the longboat.

**Will:** I got your longboat _right here_. _(using both hands to point to his pants)_

**Spider-Man:** Dude, stop. It's getting old.

**Will:** Sorry, Spidey, but my longboat is a powerful thing. Not even old age can stop it.

**Anamaria:** You men need your own version of menopause. Maybe then the sexism would finally stop.

**Gibbs:** Trust me, it wouldn't. _(to Jack) _Jack! The _Pearl_! And our rum!

**Jack:** She's only a ship, mate. And we can always buy more rum. And the script requires us to leave, anyway.

**Elizabeth:** He's right. We have to head for land.

**Pintel:** But that's a lot of open water.

**Ragetti:** It's a lot of water. _Narf_. A _lot_.

**Will:** We have to try. We can get away as it takes down the _Pearl_.

**Gibbs:** Abandon ship. Buy rum. Buy rum or abandon hope.

_(The crew get ready to abandon ship, loading supplies and counting how much money they have to buy rum, while Elizabeth approaches Jack)_


	31. The Kiss of Death

**Adapted from the screenplay by Ted Elliott & Terry Rossio**

_(Gibbs, Anamaria, Marty, Pintel, Ragetti, Cotton, his "parrots," Will, and Spider-Man are all loading supplies into the longboat, and checking their pockets to see if they have enough money to buy more rum; meanwhile, Elizabeth is approaching Jack)_

**Elizabeth:** Thank you, Jack.

**Jack:** Oh baby. I'm gonna miss you. _(hugs the main mast)_

**Elizabeth:** Jack?

**Jack:** We're not free yet, love.

**Elizabeth:** You came back.

**Jack:** Nudie mags, woman. _(showing her a copy of Playboy)_ We've already established why I'm still here. It's not 'cause I have a heart. If I did, I'd be scotch-free. Wait, you know what? I _am_ scotch-free. I should go to Office Depot. You never know when you're gonna need more Scotch tape. _(studies the wrecked Pearl)_ Like now, for instance; if I just had some bloody scotch tape, there'd be no _need_ to abandon ship.

**Elizabeth:** I always knew you were a good man.

_(There is a long pause with Jack and Elizabeth, but then the music stops when a record player abruptly ends)_

**Director:** Not _this_ again… _(sighs)_

**Elizabeth:** I'm not going to kiss my own brother!

**Jack:** And I'm not going to kiss my own sister!

**Director (**_**to producer**_ Stand-ins?

**Jerry Bruckheimer:** They're on their way.

_(The wait a minute, and then Scarlett Johansson appears on set)_

**Director:** Elizabeth, meet your stand-in.

**Elizabeth:** Hi.

**Scarlett Johansson:** Hi.

_(Elizabeth moves out of the way and Scarlett Johansson takes her place)_

**Scarlett Johansson (**_**to Jack**_ Hi.

**Jack (**_**with lustful gaze and smile**_ _Hi._

**Scarlett Johansson:** So I guess I'm her stand-in. Shall we do this?

**Jack:** Okay, but I warn you, you're not the only thing _standing_ right now, if you know what I mean. _(drooling, studying her body hungrily)_

**Scarlett Johansson (**_**to Director**_ I'm out.

**Jack:** No! You're _not_ out! You're getting _paid_ to do this! Use common sense!

**Scarlett Johansson:** Common sense tells me you're a sexist bastard.

**Elizabeth (**_**off-screen**_ _Hooray!_

**Director:** That's it. No more hot female stand-ins. _(motions Scarlett Johansson off the set)_

**Jack:** That's _so_ unfair! It is my constitutional _right_ to have a hot female stand-in for my sister during these scenes!

**Jerry Bruckheimer:** No, it isn't.

**Jack:** Well it _oughta_ be. Yo, little bro!

**Will (**_**coming up from longboat**_ Yeah?

**Jack: **As soon as we're done filming this scene, you up for rallying to amend the constitution?

**Will:** Sure. What for?

**Jack:** The usual. Giving men the right to act sexist and objectify women.

**Will:** All right. Let's do it. _(goes back to longboat)_

**Director:** Get off the set, Yakko.

**Jack:** But…but…do you have _any_ idea what will happen if I leave?

**Director:** No, what?

**Jack:** By removing _this_ much hotness from the set all at once _(pointing to himself)_, you'll just cause an unnatural balance in the world that ultimately will bring about the end of humanity and life on Earth as we know it!

**Director:** It's a risk I'm willing to take. _(Jack reluctantly leaves the set)_ Dot, you get back on. _(Elizabeth goes back on set)_ _(to producer)_ Bring in the hot male stand-ins!

**Jerry Bruckheimer: **_Bring in the hot male stand-ins!_

_(Johnny Depp is brought onto the set)_

**Teenage Girls Everywhere:** _OH MY GOD!!! IT'S JOHNNY!!! JOHNNY WE LOVE YOU!!!_

**Elizabeth (**_**studying Johnny Depp**_ I don't see what all the fuss is about. You're not _that_ hot.

**Johnny Depp:** Oh yes I am.

**Teenage Girls Everywhere:** _HE SPOKE!!! HE SPOKE!!! WORDS CAME OUT OF HIS MOUTH AND HE SPOKE!!! OH MY GOD!!! I SPEAK TOO!!! WE HAVE SO MUCH IN COMMON!!! JOHNNY WE LOVE YOU!!!_

**Johnny Depp:** I have a wife and kids, you know.

**Teenage Girls Everywhere:** _WE DON'T CARE!!! WE LOVE YOU!!! OH MY GOD!!! WE LOVE YOU!!!_

**Johnny Depp (**_**to Director**_ Gore, I don't feel comfortable on this set anymore.

**Director:** You've obviously got wide appeal, though. How much would I have to pay you to get you to stay onboard? …Get it, _onboard_?! …You know…like a…ship…. A…_pirate_…ship…? Okay, _fine_, nobody's laughing. You can all go to _hell_. I'm _funny_, damn it.

**Johnny Depp:** No amount of money can keep me on your set, I'm afraid. Good-bye. _(exits)_

**Elizabeth:** By any chance, is _Mel Gibson_ one of Yakko's stand-ins?

**Director (**_**to producer**_ Is he?

**Jerry Bruckheimer:** Only on weekends.

**Director:** Today's Saturday.

**Jerry Bruckheimer:** All righty, then. _Bring in Mel Gibson!_

_(Mel Gibson comes on set, and Elizabeth jumps into his arms)_

**Elizabeth:** _HELLOOOOOOOOOOOO NURSE!!!_

**Mel Gibson (**_**to Director**_ I'm scared.

**Director:** So? The Jews are afraid of _you_. Everyone's afraid of something, Mel.

**Mel Gibson:** I'm Australian! I deserve better than this!

**Director:** We're Americans! We don't give a damn! …And, _action_!

_(Elizabeth kisses Mel Gibson extremely hard on the lips)_

**Elizabeth:** You used tongue. That's _cute_.

**Mel Gibson:** I didn't use _anything_, little girl.

**Elizabeth:** Then you've got some _mad_ kissing skills.

**Mel Gibson:** _I want off this set!_

**Director:** How much would I have to pay you to keep you on the set?

**Mel Gibson:** Think about it this way: if you _don't_ let me leave, I'll hurt you.

**Director (**_**he thinks about it for a moment, then softly starts singing to himself**_ I hurt myself today… _(he is swiftly cut off when Mel Gibson punches him in the face)_

**Mel Gibson:** Kermit already ruined that song! Don't ruin it _more_!

**Director (**_**getting back to his feet and sitting back down in his director's chair**_ Get off my set.

**Mel Gibson:** _Woo-hoo! Yeah! Woo! (cheering, he sprints off the set)_

**Director (**_**wiping the blood off his face**_ So, uh…who else do we have as a stand-in for the Yakmeister?

**Jack:** Don't _call _me that!

**Jerry Bruckheimer:** Gore, are you _sure_ you wanna know?

**Director:** I got a film to direct, Jerry. I _have_ to know. …It's not _bad_, is it? It's not _Pauly_ _Shore_, is it?! _(Jerry shakes his head)_ Tom Green? _(Jerry shakes his head)_ Thank _God_. Then who is it? _(Jerry whispers into the Director's ear) No WAY. (Jerry nods)_ Hot _damn_. This is _awesome_. Well, what are we waiting for?! Let's get him out here!

**Jerry Bruckheimer:** You have to understand one thing, though, Gore.

**Director:** Hey, we're talking about _our first choice for Jack Sparrow_ here! He'd have gotten the job had Yakko passed it up!

**Jack: **Huh?

**Jerry Bruckheimer:** So you'll comply?

**Director:** It's an opportunity I can't let go, Jerry. This could very well be the day we all find meanings in our lives! The day we can finally say, "This life is worth living just a little bit longer"! The day….

**Jerry Bruckheimer:** I get it. You'll do it. Okay. _(makes hand motions to other people on set, who gasp in disbelief; Jerry nods, takes a deep breath, and everyone scrambles to ready the set)_

_(Cut to a minute later; a CD player has been set up, and a red carpet pathway to the set has been made for the stand-in; Jerry turns to the Director, who is standing next to the CD player)_

**Jerry Bruckheimer:** Because you care so much about this, Gore, I'll let _you_ push the "Play" button.

**Director:** Really? _(looks at the CD player, slowly brings his finger towards the "Play" button, but hesitates; he turns back and sees everyone staring at him, waiting for the moment)_

**Jerry Bruckheimer:** Come on. You can do it.

**Director:** I…I'm _afraid_.

**Jerry Bruckheimer:** Don't be scared. There's nothing to be afraid of.

**Director:** Do you _know_ this guy's standards?! This is a _gigantic_ risk we're taking here!

**Jerry Bruckheimer:** Those are all just _myths_, Gore. Come on. Push the button. …We're all waiting.

_(The Director turns to the CD player, slowly brings his finger over to the "Play" button, and, taking a deep breath, he pushes it; everyone moves like a wave to look in the other direction as AC/DC's "Back In Black" starts emanating from the CD player)_

_(Suddenly, Samuel L. Jackson, dressed in all black, including sunglasses and a leather jacket, and carrying several guns of various sizes on his person, starts walking down the red carpet; everyone gasps in joy, and some even bow down to him; Sam looks back and forth at everyone in slow motion, then arrives next to Gore and the set)_

**Will:** All this…for a _black guy_?

_(Sam immediately pulls out a handgun and aims at Will, firing a warning shot that just grazes his shoulder)_

**Samuel L. Jackson: **Don't you _ever_ mother_(censored)_ing say that _again_, mother_(censored)_er!

**Will:** Okay. _(raises his arms high)_ I surrender. I _surrender_.

**Samuel L. Jackson:** Damn mother_(censored)_ing right you surrender. _(reloads gun, puts it back on his belt)_

**Director:** So…um…we're off to a great start then? Great. _(offers his hand to shake)_ I'm Gore Verbinski. Huge fan. We're directing the second _Pirates of the Caribbean_ film here, and uh…we'd like you to stand in for our lead.

**Samuel L. Jackson:** Okay…okay…I think I can mother_(censored)_ing do that. Where at?

_(The Director directs Sam over towards the main mast of the Pearl, and puts him in Jack's position)_

**Director:** So she's going to kiss you, then chain you to the mast so you go down with your ship.

**Samuel L. Jackson:** I died in mother_(censored)_ing _Jurassic Park_. I died in mother_(censored)_ing _Deep Blue Sea_. I think I can handle mother_(censored)_ing dying in this shit, too.

**Director:** Great. Great. Just…_great. (resumes his seat in the Director's chair)_ So, just act how you would normally act in that kind of situation.

**Samuel L. Jackson:** Wait! Just so I mother_(censored)_ing know, who's my mother_(censored)_ing character?

**Director:** Captain Jack Sparrow.

**Samuel L. Jackson:** Captain Jack mother_(censored)_ing Sparrow?! _No! Damn it! _If I'm a _mother(censored)_ing captain, my _name_ is Captain _McBadass_, all right?

**Director:** Well…you're the boss…I guess. …And, _action_!

_(Elizabeth leaps onto Sam's face and starts kissing him all over)_

**Samuel L. Jackson:** Get this mother_(censored)_ ing 'toon off my mother_(censored)_ing face!

_(Elizabeth gets down, having already shackled him to the mast, and that's when Sam finally gets a good look at her for the first time)_

**Samuel L. Jackson:** _DAMN!_ What the _(censored)_ was that shit?! Who _is_ this bitch?

**Director:** She's Elizabeth Swann.

**Samuel L. Jackson:** What the _(censored)_ is with the mother_(censored)_ing _bird names_?!

**Director:** I…really…can't…answer that. I didn't write the script….

**Samuel L. Jackson (**_**suddenly realizing he has been shackled to the mast**_ Oh…_oh_…_HELL NO! (to Elizabeth)_ Bitch, you untie me right mother_(censored)_ing now! Oh, _(censored)_! _(Censored)! (Censored)! (Censored)! (CENSORED)! _Un-mother_(censored)_ing-tie me, you mother_(censored)_ing _bitch_!

**Elizabeth:** It's after you, not the ship! It's not us! This is the only way, don't you see? …I'm not sorry.

**Samuel L. Jackson:** What the _(censored)_ are you _talking_ about, bitch?!

**Elizabeth: **Goodbye, Jack. _(leaves and climbs down to the longboat)_

**Samuel L. Jackson (**_**to himself**_Mother_(censored)_ing pirate.

**Will (**_**to Elizabeth**_ Where's Jack?

**Elizabeth:** He elected to stay behind to give us a chance.

**Samuel L. Jackson (**_**shouting off-screen**__(CENSORED)_ _YOU, BITCH!_

_(the crew look uncertain)_

**Elizabeth:** That's just Jack's way of wishing us good luck, I think. …_Go!_

_(the longboat casts off, while Sam struggles with his manacles)_

**Samuel L. Jackson (**_**grunting to himself angrily**_ Mother_(censored_)ers! Whitey keeping me down just 'cause I'm a mother_(censored)_ing black man…._racist mother(censored)ers!_

_(Sam sighs, then reaches for one of his gun with his free hand, and shoots the chain several times until it breaks; he then uses all his might to pull the manacles off his hand, with a loud scream)_

**Samuel L. Jackson:** All right! I'm mother_(censored)_ing free! _(double-checking his guns and reloading them) _Now I just gotta find that bitch and bust a mother_(censored)_ing cap in her ass! Wait…am I mother_(censored)_ing talking to myself? _(Censored)! _I _am_ mother_(censored)_ing talking to my mother_(censored)_ing self! _(Censored)!_ I swore to myself I would never mother_(censored)_ing do this! So _why_ am I still mother_(censored)_ing doing it?! _(Censored)! (fires several shots in all directions) (Censored)! (Censored)!_

_(At that moment, the Kraken rises up behind him; Sam halts, turns around and looks at it; it roars, spewing slime all over him, as well as Jack's hat)_

**Samuel L. Jackson (**_**wiping slime off his face**_ Aw, _(censored)_ no! I just had a mother_(censored)_ing shower! Mother_(censored)_er! _(fires several shots at the Kraken)_

_(It proves ineffective, and the Kraken brings its huge mouth down on him)_

**Samuel L. Jackson (**_**rapidly firing into the Kraken's mouth, to little effect**__(CENSORED)! (CENSORED)! I mother(censored)ing HATE seafood! (CENSORED)! (CENSORED)! OH, (CENSORED) NO!!!_


	32. The Last Chapter

**Adapted from the screenplay by Ted Elliott & Terry Rossio**

_(Through his spyglass, Davy Jones watches as the Pearl is pulled under by the Kraken)_

**Davy:** Jack Sparrow. Our debt is settled. Definitely settled, mother_(censored)_er, definitely settled.

**Maccus:** Sir, enough. You're not Sam Jackson. There's no need to curse.

**Davy:** Oh, there is, there definitely is. I just plain don't like Jack Sparrow.

**Maccus:** Fair enough.

**Palifico:** Captain goes down with his ship.

**Maccus:** Turns to not even Jack Sparrow can best the devil.

**Davy: **Open the chest. Definitely open the chest, I need to _see_ it, definitely _see_ it!

_(The chest is opened, Davy looks in and his face quivers, and the crew retreats away from him in fear as he shouts to the sky)_

**Davy:** _Damn you, definitely DAMN you, Jack Sparrow!_

_(Meanwhile, back at Beckett's office)_

**Mercer (**_**to Beckett, who is sitting in his desk**_ The last of our ships has returned.

**Beckett:** Is there any news on the chest?

**Mercer:** I didn't see anything on FOX News, but then again, FOX News has never been that reliable, sir. You want me to check CNN?

**Beckett:** Don't bother. They'll just ramble on about something they think is important, like global warming or international terrorism or the AIDS epidemic.

**Mercer:** But you should know, sir…one of the ships _did_ pick up a man adrift at sea. He had these. _(he drops the Letters of Marque on Beckett's desk, and Beckett opens it to look at it before looking up at Norrington, who is standing at the other end of the office)_

**Norrington:** I took the liberty of filling out my name. _(Beckett beckons Norrington over with two fingers)_ My _God_, you _are_ short….

**Beckett:** _I'm not short!_

**Norrington:** You know, admitting you have a problem is half of the solution…

**Beckett:** Oh, _half_?! You're calling me a _half_? Is _that_ how small you think I am?!

**Norrington:** Well, if you want me to be perfectly honest, I'd say you were closer to an _eighth._

**Mercer (**_**to Norrington**_ You don't have to suck up to him, sir. Master Beckett appreciates _real _honesty.

**Beckett (**_**to Mercer**_ No I _don't_!

**Norrington:** Then if you want me to be _really_ perfectly honest, I'd say you were closer to a _twentieth_.

**Beckett:** _Goddamn you BOTH! I'm NOT short!_

**Norrington:** I don't want to compromise our alliance any further, so even though I was making the overstatement of the century in calling you a _twentieth_, I'll just shut up and give it to you.

**Beckett:** Do you have the compass?

**Norrington:** No. Better. _(he tosses a bag onto Beckett's desk, inside of which we hear a beating heart)_ The heart of Davy Jones.

_(Beckett stares at the bag for a moment before turning to Mercer)_

**Beckett:** You know what to do.

**Mercer: **Yes, sir. _(exits the office, now off-screen) WOO! Party in the hizz-house!_

_(The remaining crew of the Black Pearl, including Will, Elizabeth, Gibbs, Pintel, Ragetti, Cotton and his "parrot(s)", Anamaria, and Marty, with special guest Spider-Man, are paddling through the waters to Tia Dalma's shack; many natives are wading in the waters surrounding the shack, holding candles in mourning for Jack)_

**Spider-Man:** Guys, why am I still here?

_(The group silences him with a loud "SHHH!")_

**Gibbs:** They're in mourning, lad! Show some bloody respect, will ya?

_(Spider-Man nods solemnly, and the group enters Tia's shack; inside, Will throws his father's knife repeatedly onto the table top, while Tia pushes a cart of drinks around to all of them, offering the mugs to Elizabeth)_

**Tia:** Against the cold and the sorrow.

**Elizabeth:** I can't drink. I'm underage.

**Tia:** _Do you have any idea how much I paid to get these drinks?!_

_(Elizabeth takes a mug, but doesn't drink from it)_

**Tia:** It's a shame. I know you're thinking that with the _Pearl_, you could've captured the devil, and set free your father's soul.

**Will:** Actually, I was thinking about using this knife to cause Lizzy some serious pain.

**Tia:** Oh. You two into S&M?

**Elizabeth:** It's not my favorite Metallica album, but I did appreciate all the effort put into it by Michael Kamen and the San Francisco Symphony and the band. It was worth the purchase, I guess.

**Will:** She's talking about _sex_, Lizzy.

**Elizabeth:** Oh. _(to Tia)_ Well, he and I are sibs, so no, we're really into that kind of thing.

**Will:** In any case, it doesn't matter now. The _Pearl's_ gone. Along with its captain.

**Gibbs (**_**standing at doorway**_ Aye. And already the world seems a bit less bright. He fooled us right to the end. But I guess that honest streak finally won out. To Jack Sparrow!

**Ragetti:** Never another like Captain Jack. Narf.

**Pintel:** He was a gentlemen of fortune, he was.

**Anamaria:** Jack Sparrow…I'm twice—wait, sorry, three times his age, and a squirrel, but if I weren't, _damn_, we would've been something _hot._

**Marty:** _Spew!_

**Elizabeth:** He was a good man.

_(They all drink out of their mugs, except Elizabeth)_

**Will (**_**to Elizabeth**_ If there was anything could be done to bring him back… _(stands up) _Elizabeth….

**Tia:** Would you do it? Hmm? _(to Elizabeth)_ What…would you? What would _any_ of you be willing to do? Would you sail to the ends of the earth, and beyond, to fetch back witty Jack and his precious _Pearl_?

**Gibbs:** Aye.

**Pintel:** Aye.

**Ragetti:** Poit. Aye.

**Squit:** _Awk! _Aye!

**Pesto (**_**bopping Squit on the head**_ You give pigeons a bad name! _(noticing everyone stare at them)_ I mean…aye.

**Bobby:** Aye.

**Anamaria:** Aye. I'd love to be in another movie. Paychecks make nice friends.

**Marty:** Aye.

**Elizabeth:** Yes.

**Anamaria: **_Bitch!_ You say "aye" like the rest of us!

**Elizabeth:** Aye.

**Will (**_**whispered**_ Aye.

**Tia:** All right. But if you're going to brave the weird, and haunted shores, at world's end, then…you will need a captain who _knows_ those waters.

_(A man wearing boots descends the stairs into the room, and everyone stands up and stares in surprise at the man)_

**Tia: **This is my favorite part….

**Barbossa:** So tells meses, what's becomes of my shipses?

**Will:** …Oh snap.

_(Barbossa bites into a green apple and the juice dribbles down his chin, while Jack the monkey turns and snarls at the camera)_


End file.
